Dealing with moms that are dealing with....

Um.........


Probably not.


How do you mean they won't let him play?

They come over with the kid?


I guess telling them that you're happy to supervise wouldn't work?

Hey Boomer

It's a difficult one... the kid wants to play with your kid and you can supervise ... but the parents won't allow...

I would imagine that the parents know their childs every little routine and what makes him tick. The problem with allowing their control of him over to another - in my opinion and experience - is that all may be well when the kidlet and Mo are playing - and all may appear to be good - and certainly for the children - they will just be kids.... however, the fallout when the kid gets back home from whatever happens during the day can be huge. A small thing like sitting at the table, eating a meal - some children with these difficulties have to have their food separated out on the plate, or the fork positioned exactly next to a spoon... or whatever it may be. Something that doesn't bother a neurotypical child or may seem silly may set off an extreme meltdown.

In saying that, the child needs to be able to be taken out of the cotton wool bubble and allowed to fit in to the "normal" word (believe me, I use that word loosely).

With R - we allowed him to do EVERYTHING the other kids did - and we paid the price when he came home. Maybe had I not allowed him to play football, ride bikes, meet other kids, blah blah blah - and kept him mollycoddled, maybe he would still be with me and his egocentricity would be less... maybe more... who knows.

If MO likes the kid and you feel prepared to give it a go - I would advise you speak to the Mom and maybe suggest that if she wants to come round and have a cuppa tea so she can let you know any of the little routines her child may have - then she may feel she has a little bit of control. She's going to find it hard to let the control go when she knows what fallout may occur when kiddie comes home.

Aspergers is a label.... it's also the signpost to letting others know this kid may have difficulties. It shouldn't be used tho as a deterrent to allowing this child to "fit in". However, I do sympathise with parents who are in ts position. If the child is a "flapper" - would that worry Mo - would he laugh, or be scared... little things that the kid may do which other kids don't - can be cause for ridicule/fear - the Mom may have dealt with this before.... or she may be being over protective. I don't think you can guage that without her and the kid being in the same room at the same time. I don't think she will be helping him if she doesn't give him a fighting chance to face the world on his own... but SHE needs to be COMFORTABLE probably more than her child needs to be COMFORTED, if that makes sense.

Is it worth the trouble of having him there and having to placate the Mom for a little - well, I would think so. You won't be able to change the kids parents - their fears and anxieties for the "world's" general misunderstandings of autism/asp/HFA are well founded.

However, every child, no matter what their physical and/or mental disabilities should be given every opportunity to lead as "normal" a life as possible.

My son was not your typical Asp - he is extremely HFA - no-one would ever think he had any difficulties whatsoever. What no-one understood was - I knew my child... and whatever happened in his so called "normal" day - could then up a disaster as soon as he got back to his comfort zone - HOME! Then the fun began!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY saw it either. So it was hard for others to comprehend just how complex autism etc is.

I don't know the other kid/parents/Mo or you...

but from experience... it is complicated. It isn't just about the kid - it does affect the whole family unit... is it worth it - well, only you and the Mom can decide that.

I hope the kids play together - Mo sounds like a great little fella - and the little fella next door could maybe do with a friend.

R's best friend since birth is the ONLY child who has ever stuck by him - he "hates" (loves) her right now - but she understands him - she's stuck by him thru every hissy fit and tantrum and .....episode.

Maybe Mo would be good at being a friend too.

The Mom needs to trust someone..... believe me hun - after 16 years - I trust less than 6 people with my son. I have no control over his life at all - but I still suffer with seeing what he does to himself.

Sorry - tired... maybe shouldn't post when I am tired.

What a great post from Izzie. Makes a lot of sense.

I think it makes sense to indicate that you're genuinely OK with working with the mom and the kid to make things go as smoothly as possible; while also indicating that you won't take it personally if they still say "no." While I don't know a whole lot about Asperger's, in general I know of families with children with disabilities who tend to want to protect others from the difficulty of dealing with the disability. For some of those families, I think a "no, really, I get what's involved but am willing to give it a go and see what happens" would open doors.

What Izzie says about invisible fallout makes so much sense though. I could also see the possibility of fallout if it DOESN'T work out, that they want to avoid. (As in, everyone gives it the old college try, it's generally a mess, the experiment is called off, then...?)

Although Mo does not have Asperger's this is exactly the kind of things we deal with because of his own atypical neurology.

So I am sensitive to the other mom's caution.

And I've dealt with the stares and whispers when Mo has a meltdown so I know she's probably wanting to avoid me judging her as "bad mom" or her kid as a "bad kid". I've learned that if I'm going to allow Mo to navigate the world I need to let that stuff wash over me and do what I think is right for him.

Maybe some baby steps. Her house faces mine so maybe letting them play in our front yard would be a good start.

Finding a way to start a conversation to assure her that I "get it" could help a lot.

When I say they won't let him play I mean they won't let him play anywhere outside their yard and only then under intense supervision. We have a big median that runs down the middle of our street - almost like a little park. Yesterday was the first time they allowed D to play on the median with Mo (the boys did fine) while they watched from the driveway. They wouldn't allow him to cross on over to our yard.

Mo's forays into friendship are almost always a general mess - he doesn't read social cues very well. I don't want to stop him from trying though so I'm prepared to deal with the mess. I absolutely can see how it would be easier to just say "no" to everything.

Thanks Izzie, soz and dlowan!

Boomer--

Good luck. Starting slow makes a lot of sense.

bookmarking..... need to read up.

Interestingly enough they did end up playing together today -- at D's house but they ventured over here a time or two as I was working on my front yard.

They played together great so maybe other mom will relax a bit about letting him come here.

D even gave Mo one of his coveted objects. D collects locks, and he gave Mo a lock. O Mom said "Did you mean to lend that to him or did you give it to him?" and D said "Oh. I gave it to him." O Mom was speechless; D has never given away a lock so this was a HUGE deal.

Maybe the two little oddballs make a good connection.

Boomer--

My fingers are crossed for Oddball Unity.