Messy feelings (uncut unedited)

72 hours, 30 mins 20 seconds since I done this
tell me where to start my brain is weak
creative views are gone with the wind
messy feelings departed like a fling
still I feel the need to swing
another round in the very same ring
tie me down let me chuckle and scream
find future in my past to chase away this dim

72 hours, 37 mins 07 seconds since I spoke to my mind
looked every corner for a pearl I could find
she still stared and called me one of a kind
perhaps due to the feelings I chose to hide
should I speak my mind she would have left my side
with one blow her esteem would have died
too sweet let her leave with her pride
makes her happy, settles the deal

72 hours, 40 mins since I told the same lie
called her beautiful with that shabby hairstyle
plenty of these in my file
they seem to make girls go another mile
nonetheless its less of a truth
complement her, love her, tell her how good she looks
make her happy you may score a future
reality seem not to feature
somebody explain this picture
don't wanna live a lie with this virtue

just a hold
explicit grab
touching and snatching the inner being
more satisfying than a summer fling
not caressing, quite a strong cling
yet tender on this broken wing
like yesterday each pleasant moment will pass
for its linger hoists ennui
tempting rebellion over a virgin lass
demoting what's meant for honour
ensuring such splendour barely lasts
oh! My thoughts with that hold
like a treasure hunter, that's my gold
patting my chubbiness and every fold
touched my flaw, rid my mould
no need to plea, I'm already sold
even blissful times desire such an emotional hold

It's different this time please don't hate
I'm F*#^ed up sorry for the lang
never thought I could go online and write my slang
it's life rakes, diminishing my brakes making my thoughts fake
ideas relying on emotions raped by the life stakes
wish I could smile, kill the waves change my seas into lakes
it's a bit late for that, I gotta live whatever it takes

It's different this time please don't hate
I'm usually tender and sweet chasing every weep
I don't wish I could do the same; just wanna give you the worse of me
Take what you may, don't care how puckish
you ain't the most beautiful thing I've seen stay and let me finish
still my feelings are strong don't need splendor to furbish
I hate that hairstyle yet your presence makes me relish

......under construction (maybe not )

wow

mngunim, you had a productive night last night.



PS To address the content (none of my business) how could she hate you?

lol. You might never know with girls hey. They are....... ........ complicated. but then again I guess they can say the same about me.

It’s slowly hitting me back



I was born a man
raised and taught by the length of this path
I clearly recall girls on my left
advised and taught by women on my right
guidance, how to stay on this rail
girls-ripened crops, boys were like hail
seek only to destroy, wipe out in vain
well, I was too young to complain

I was born to be a man not taught
maybe learned from harsh remarks
proverbs not meant for me left those marks
the world knew what I was to be
perhaps men before me set that trail
whatever the case, I was a man
guilty like sin before I could walk
all was to come, just a matter of time

I looked at you, saw an angel
you starred back at just another heartbreaker
in your eyes I saw my world
but you were waiting for that moment
when a man does what was meant
with time your heart gave in
another blink you thought I was different
little did you know what was I to be

I was born a man and I’m not proud
tell me there is more I’m getting lost
looking back, it’s all hitting me now

345 days
lost
still lost
don't understand
every day, hurts
such a waste of who we were
of who we could be
everything
nothing
now
it's got to stop, the hurt has to stop
where's my soul?
where's my heart?

Hopefully, safe in lavender and bubblewrap, until you feel confident to take it out and use it again.

Take good care of yourself, izzie. Hugs for you.

You and I have a few similar experiences, mngunim.

These last few months you have been giving me an insight into male thinking (thanks, BTW)

This is a portion of something I wrote a few months ago, (I was playing with sonnets )and could almost be the woman's perspective, in your situation, above.


I felt the blow as you came up the stairs,
The man I didn't know, and knew so well.
Yet to hear about your daft affairs,
Before I ever saw your face, I fell.



Why does everything have to work out so complicated, eh?

I'm glad you can identify with my writing. I gotta say: I like those lines, the last one reminds of my life....
when I was young this got me puzzled
how one let go of such beauty
to myself I used to think
given that chance I was gonna cling
grant her finger time to fit that ring
thought looks were everything
couldn't tell love from a fling
honestly, i've seen more beauty
all perfect, all not for me
all along I was searching
for what I didn't know or understand
all along I was waiting
for your love though I didn't know you

That's all I could come up with for now... As for the complications, I guess humans seem to attract that. We tend not to say what we mean and not express what we really feel, after some time those small messages lost in translation complicate things.

my heart is mine
beating and pumping
striving for me
only just for me
when it hurts, I keep the smile
allowing pain to pile
only to take it out on the lovely and innocent

You are right. Pain has to stop, but no pain compares to what we bring upon ourselves. Reliving the painfull moments, keeping that anger inside. hurting ourselves more just to get back at that person.

her back went hard against the door
hands slowly massaging her neck
as she slid down the wall
frail like reed on heavy hail
shaking hips not to mention her lips
she probably wanted more
blame and shame on her face
life seemed fast for her pace

her back went hard against the door
as I took the last step out the corridor
leaving behind a shattered mirror
astonishing beauty shadowed by the cracks
a life and opportunity not for me

I felt her racing heart on that hug
warmth not displayed on her face
for the heart she held dearly wasn’t mine
held her slipping hand a second extra
hoping to get closure, perhaps a goodbye smile
we were perfect, she was involved
little did she know with a heartbreaker

waited so long
for happiness, the heat, where my hearts belongs
when all I had seemed not enough, days felt prolonged
though I had it all, my mind densely occupied like Hong Kong
more exhausted each day, wanted to get high just didn’t have the bong
to smoke what life threw at me, chase away the wrongs
put a smile on my face; on my mouth a song
only this time more vivid for it came from deep within

I come a long way
can still reminisce those cold lonely walks
saw nice girls, just couldn’t commit to those bonds
when my pounding heart, got my whole body trembling
shame and blame, thinking I’ll never find the one
when you came, it all vanished like the morning mist
I bless the day I felt your warm hand on my wrist
all seemed enough, still remember that kiss
felt love, flares, fire.. the heat
warm nights make me appreciate the gift
treasure, adore, worship.. the s#*t

when the light comes, what happens to darkness
is it that kind, it leaves and never look back?
how do I go on and forget my past
how do I live in the moment when you want the whole future
how do I give you enough today when its gotta be more tomorrow
how do I change overnight and don’t feel any sorrow
don’t get me wrong, you still have me whipped
just wondering who will we become when the times comes

I like this one.

Sometimes you write things that are gut wrenching, in a good way.

The woman you wrote this for probably has some wonder in her future.

Thanks guys


in the quiet of the night,
in dreamland reaching great heights
in my heart I know it’s not here to last
enjoying every minute, dying each second
living through with only one hope
in the morning I’ll be alright

so many promises,
great life on the other side of the turmoil
its more than your pride, you treat me like your doll
just a character you claim to love
dust on me, that’s all you see
hidden beauty, how to make me the one
your heart desires, the guy to be seen with
my feelings, the least on your priorities

tell me how this works I’m getting lost
you turned my strength turned into weakness
I only wish to leave, take off and never look back
courage is more than what I lack
you take me high like a drug
seconds of bliss, hours of pain and drain me dry
how do I break free, what’s the use
of being in love if you swallow your smiles with endless cries

should have seen it coming, you should have gave me heads up
empty promises, what we could have been had I shown up
was busy getting our future sorted out, didn't notice you getting fed-up
sorry I exhausted the fuse, allowed what was so precious to blow up
explaining myself won't help now, the mind is made up
we could have been penguins, tell me what happens now

flashes... first time we met, seems like a lifetime
you looked ridiculous in that outfit, I loved those eyes
confessed my love, pressure from the guys
changed my hairstyle, you hated punks
moved up North, there had to be an us
built my life around you, and your ex
we could have been good together, what happens now

Gosh! I love you, not to mention that smile
how do I pretend we're good, when I've seen the file
I'll start walking away now, don't worry I'll be fine
wish I could stay, but our sweet love turned into brine
in the eyes I feel in love with, I see his frown

It's good to see you again mngunim, but sad to see that you have come back to write out pain. I like to think that people drift away from this place because they are too busy and happy to post.

could write a book about last winter
super chilly rainy days got Russia so cold they invaded Georgia
or was that a few summers ago.. pardon my memory I'm only a kid
a young lad that happened to see more than a 80 year old man back in the sixties
not something to be proud of.. but I have lived to witness movies in real life
I'm talking lost planes in the coast of Australia, planes crashing on buildings,
a North African leader begging for mercy as the rebels had his life in their hands
but what of his soul, what of our souls.. what does that make us

yes, I could write a book about last winter
had the elders iterating 'its the coldest one thus far'
and the weatherman confused, I mean, it snowed in Africa
got the homeless man thanking God for the cars that drove past
for though they didn't stop, the hope that someone might be kind enough.. kept him alive
for that moment, he turned his attention away from the dripping wet refuse bag he used to cover his body
for that cold rain that covered his face, he needed not to wipe tears anymore
for an instant, his soul cried to God.. but what of ours

I could write a book about last winter
the cold my heart felt when the nurse took me to a small room
a room with nothing but three wooden chairs, a table and a roll of tissue
never thought I would look to wooden chairs for comfort, as cold as the rain outside
not half as cold as the words from her mouth as she uttered 'we lost her this morning'
I thought of a woman that carried me for nine months, took care of me with nothing to offer other than love
the love she gave me, the hurt she tried to protect me from.. now all mine, I took ownership
I thought of her soul leaving her body, in a hospital with wooden chairs for comfort
'what now' I said, 'what is a way forward' I uttered.. 'she is gone but what of me, of us' I thought

I could write a book about last winter
the cold rain I didn't feel as I walked to the parking lot
the dripping wet homeless guy I didn't notice as I drove past
the cold the hurt brings, could never be compared.. even to a season as cold as last winter

So thought-provoking. Sorry about your mother.