@bathsheba,
Hey Bathy
Mmmmmmmmmmm…. Was really thinking about what you said here and have said most of this stuff before but…...
Wish the PM facility was working!
bathsheba wrote:
As for me...I'm leaning towards having another chemo session. They are so much fun. Guess I feel I've gone this far, might as well do another and be sick when spring arrives. Do you know....my daughter is mad at me(for many reasons) but another one is that I sent her a photo of me with my wig and another of me bald. She accused me of trying to make her sad. I was trying to share what I'm going through, is all.
Anyway, this thread is not my Whine & Cheese Club so that's enough about me.
Can really relate to that. So……..only from my perspective (and as all know I project really badly)………. this is what I think on a daily basis….(yep, it’s only I what I do, not what anyone else may do)
When I have stuff done (surgery or whatever) or stuff is going down - and take photos and do stoopid things like making flags for my toes or painting rainbows on a plaster cast - it’s not ever to make anyone feel bad or guilty or “look at me” or anything really - it’s entirely a coping mechanism for me personally - (very selfish if you like) - if I can smile about it - so can anyone else. My family think it’s ridiculous and don’t understand - I think the reason for this is that they actually struggle with what goes on with me - and tho I don’t want their pity or feeling sorry for me - I do wish for their acknowledgement that actually, it hurts, or “stamps feet - it’s not fair” - and they can’t seem to do that. The family either do the “she’ll be fine” and totally ignore anything that happens, or are just extremely negative and that it’s all doom and gloom. The worst thing being when a family member or whoever says “oh, not again, what will we do” because it means it will impact their life - as opposed to the fact that it’s happening to me and the little fella.
What I’m trying to say, in my usual rambling way … is that - you have to do what you have to do to accept the chemo treatments and side effects - and, if that means sending your daughter a pic - it’s maybe just a way for you to say -
“ok…. Well, this is “me no hair” -and this is what is happening to me which I need you to know -
then
“this is me with hair” and look how I can turn it round and show you I am alright and that this is a positive and it’s gonna be alright.
For your daughter, maybe, as for my family - she doesn’t want it to be happening to you - and possibly, she may be unable to find that balance between “poor Mom, I wish you weren‘t going thru this” and “don’t make feel sad/guilty because I can‘t do anything about it" - she may not be able to find the bit in between……………..
(which is what I sometimes wish for at home - which I can get from friends - but rarely with family)
What I have to try and remember, and fail miserably at (tho I do have online friends to remind me, especially remembering the words of Noddy) - is that I have to deal with a constant barrage of medical and other hoopla - and, it’s happening to me and it is what it is - but that my family to a point wish they could control it or take it away - and of course, they can’t. So their negativity has to be put to the side so that I can heal and do it my way (even if it means I have to shut down on them for whatever reason) - and I have to remember that they are not trying to hurt me - it’s just they can’t find that balance between “damn, that’s cr@p” and “don’t make me feel bad by acting all happy because I don’t want you to be hurting and I can‘t make it better”. Does that make any sense? I know my family can’t make it better - they don‘t seem to realise it tho. Then it all just gets misunderstood and blah blah blah.
My friends however, well, FQsis who is my best friend, Tulip (and pops in on this thread) and others here who know who they are - well, FQsis can phone me up and I can cry and be all “woe is me and the world is coming to an end” - and then when she knows I’ve done that bit - she will take the mickey out of me in a really “sick” way, calling me all sorts of names and how we will end up in a Nursing Home together when we are 90 and tripping each other up with the crutches and “pass the incontinence pad please”. She feels my pain and sometimes it’s too much when she has to see me twisted and sore - so, she has to be the “evil” twin and put a different spin on it. She, and the few real life friends I have, and …………. everyone here who knows me better than my family do - has the balance between recognition of illness, acknowledgement of pain - and, allowing me to put my best foot forward, no matter how ridiculous it looks, (posting pics, just yabbering away and being silly or naughty or whatever) coz they know that’s the way I deal with stuff. NOW - meaning just over a year ago.
It isn’t about making people feel sorry or guilty or sad or anything like that in the slightest - it’s actually just about getting thru each day and stepping into the next.
I wish I coulda done this by PM. Hopefully, those here who know me can hear what I’m saying.
Bathy - I think maybe your daughter hasn’t been able to accept the reality of your situation, or it scares her too much (she’s doing nursing, isn’t she) and doesn’t know what to say or how to address it. The BigC - any illness really - affects the whole family. You are the one going through it phsyically, but what I’ve learned (and still get it mixed up at times) is that sometimes, it’s a lot harder for the family on the outside to watch it, than it is for the person going thru it, to deal with it. It took my ex-hub 18 years to turn around, after we had separated and blah blah blah - to stand in front of me and tell me just how pissed off he was that I was ill and that he had to work and live around it. I have a brother who is an Occupational Therapist - he has not helped me, yet, every day he deals with people who can’t walk or need help or need someone to fight for them - he doesn’t see me, like his clients. The OT who comes to me - looks at what I need - and can help. My brother lives a few minutes away - yet, he didn’t call me until 2 weeks after my surgery - it gets to a point where - out of sight, out of mind - then it can’t hurt. For me….. But also for him. He’s no more right or wrong that I am. Perhaps, maybe your daughter is hurting and just can’t tell you in that way. Do you see what I mean? (yep, I am projecting!)
As for ex-hubby - strangely, I always knew that he was mad I was ill, but that’s OK now - when he said it out loud - I was actually quite glad. He had guilt about his feelings, I felt guilt for being ill. Didn’t do either of us any good - never ever does. Guilt is such a negative load of cr@p.
You’re going thru, and have gone thru, sh!te (scuse my language) times - but look at you now Bathy - you have got thru, you will get further and tho it’s bloody hard - you can do this. And after the final chemo session, and the Spring has come - it will be a memory and better times lay ahead - and if better times don‘t arrive quickly - then, you will still manage - because you have to. Please believe that. Your daughter / hub …….. they haven’t gone thru it and they are “too close” because they are having to live it too (even with daughter away) - when actually, it simply isn’t happening to them, but they have to watch it or hear it. It’s hard for them to watch and hear too.
You are incredibly brave even tho you don’t think so. Saying that, won’t make it feel better. I know tho, again, completely my perspective which is far different and possibly weirder than anyone else’s, that over the last year when I started talking cyberly - the things (not all good) that folk said to me - made my world a better place to live. (in reality tho, that could change any minute and online can hurt as much as offline). My family don’t understand - they can’t cope because they have to “live/watch illness” too and that’s not a failing on their part - it’s simply the way it is - whereas the few real life friends and certainly the online “friends” I know - just take it as it is - kick me up the bahookie when I need it and acknowledge the way I deal with stuff, or choose not to converse. Whichever, that’s fine.
Course, this is just bunch of waffle - which is what I do. Thankfully tho, since I waffle out loud now (tho it’s open to misinterpetation) I feel more at ease with the “constant barrage” and the more at ease about things - the less the “barrage“ seems to effect me.
The worst thing for me is feeling sh!te about something - and having to keep it inside and not saying it out loud - and conversely, feeling ecstatic and happy and silly about stuff, and not saying that out loud - albeit cyberly and to friends - as opposed to family who, just don’t get it - and think I need the little white men to appear. (who on earth talks online - must be mad! - hey ho!)
bathsheba wrote:
I was trying to share what I'm going through, is all.
Yep - so that’s what you have to remember - you didn’t have any other motive than just to share it with her - I would imagine it’s hard for her to comprehend tho coz then she will have to feel it. That sadness, at being helpless to help you realistically, is hard. She may not be able to convey that.
bathsheba wrote:
Anyway, this thread is not my Whine & Cheese Club so that's enough about me.
This thread is anyone’s and everyone’s Whine and Cheese Club girl.
We also do a nice Brie, Cranberry Sauce, Grapes and Chocolate - alongside a knitting club, belly dancing, videos, Cough and Cold Administration, Spinning Hamsters, Gardening, Stupid and wonderful photos, BLUE blues and Dixieland Jazz - with Babies Onboard too - and a little naughtiness when someone wants to muck about for a bit. All in all - there’s just a bunch of world folk here passing thru.
Now, gonna have to say what some will be thinking ………….. There’s enough cheese up there for a little more wine!!!! Cabernet Sauvignon or an Australian Chardonnay! What’s your fancy.
Apologies for waffling quite so much tho - HA!
- oh.... glad no pingu's (I resembled your pic! on Boidas thread - ha!) - will try and send some rain from here too.... so pleased they are getting some now - hope it continues for a while and the regeneration of the land commences. So sad. 
