"YABBER-LINER" - ALL ABOARD

Here's to a restful night and a joyous day.

(((((( Danny, Anna, Izzie and the whole dang crew ))))))

And Try too - what a mind!

Love ya, Izzie.

PHTH! You. Thankfully I have two already. It's true. They are the only ones that look adoringly at me at ANY given time - at my very worst even AND the only ones that do what I say do. They are a lovely little boy and girl. Not so little - but lovely still.

ROFL!!! sso like the Bosun - straight onto flirting! Missy - u think we gonna teach him some rules there? I gotta monitor he doesnt gobble up too much of custard too! ;P

I'm so happy to read that Danny is flirting with the nurses. That's so like him, he's definately on the mend!! There's still a long way to go, I understand, but every step forward is good news.

Sorry to hear about your deer accident Izzie . That is very sad. I'm so glad you weren't injured. Animal accidents are pretty scary.

ehbeth, LOVE your hats! I'm so jealous of people who can wear hats fashionably. They look so good on you. I wear hats only when necessary to keep my ears warm, and have never found one that is functional and fashionable, not on me anyway.

School vacation week is coming to an end, it's gone by way too fast. I think I spent most of my time at the grocery store restocking after herds of 17 year old boys hit my kitchen like locusts. Where do they put it all?

Ribald hugs to the Boson and Anna, or, having looked that word up to see if I could play with it, maybe just bald hugs. Very glad to read the recent changes.

On hats - I love them, pretty much always have. I don't wear them as much as I should/could. I have saved some baseball cap type hats for the memories of places or occasions - so I have a Chicago cap and a couple of Venice (california) caps and an Italy calcio cap (bought in New Mexico, but I'm an Italy freak) and an a2k cap from when you could buy one, and an ugly assed cap with a2k lettering gotten made for the bunch of us who met in San Francisco in the early 2000's by Cicerone Imposter. That one works as an added sort of sun visor on a very bright day in the car, but I wouldn't be seen dead in it walking down the street. (kidding you, CI.. somewhat) That one is in the car.

There was a period of years in the nineties that I shopped mostly at the Salvation Army store in Santa Monica, California. That precise store harbored some very good buys in those years since the workers there then had mixed savvy-ness about labels and style and the surrounding city had a mixed population, some of them wealthy. Thus items like a $700. irish coat for $20. Anyway, they sometimes had gorgeous hats. I have two dark velvety 'designer' hats that I have on the wall as decor, but are grabable in case I ever go to a winter but not toooo cold wedding.

One day, also in the early 2000's, I was in recovery from an emergency eye operation and staying with an old friend and her hub in Napa, CA, having been taken to a vitrectomy specialist near there in the middle of the night from a lot of miles away. Friends where I lived worked out a plan to pick me up mid-way home, a friend transfer system. So, I picked the exchange place: Fetzer Winery in Hopland, where they had at that time, besides the vineyards, a tasting room and neat shop and small cafe. So, I watched what my pals, the one in Napa and the one from Humboldt County, liked in the shop and bought them for them as thank yous, and bought myself a major swell straw sun hat. A splurge, but hell, the medical bills needed an antidote. That hat is in the Sun Hat Basket by the front door.

Hats have lives.

Waiting to hear from Izzie.

((((((Crew)))))))


Yesterday morning was horrific.

I haven’t told completely what happened because it is too horrific - yeuch. Suffice it to say, the deer had to be killed as quickly as possible and thanks to the workmen who stopped in the lane to help and who picked me up off the floor, the deer didn’t suffer as it would of, had they not stopped and released it from this life.

I was in conversation with my strength – trying to fathom the reason that it was quite as horrific as it was, grateful that I had been lucky not to have been injured or worse... and that tho the car is now not in best of states and undriveable, it is just a car, a hunk of metal. Had someone else been in a car with kids or some such thing, then it may have been a completely different scenario...

I’ve been poorly for a while ('nother time) – so much going on at work, changes - it’s been taking it’s toll. Yesterday morning was just… so pants.

So, what am I TRYING to tell you all.

<context: http://able2know.org/topic/110211-85#post-4475566 Hickory Dickory Dock... >

You have an idea of what I believe – things happen for a reason, sometimes we never fully understand the reason, sometimes we have no clue

or sometimes it becomes clearer. Not crystal clear - but not quite opaque.

I hit the deer at 8.10am. I couldn’t then get to work. I relived what we had to do and it is still such a horrible image.

Now, to me, it's maybe less opaque.

For those of you who love and care for me you will find this as surreal as I do, but you will understand as much as I do.

I don’t even know how to talk at the moment. I am floating on a cloud of ‘surreality’. I must not let emotions (what emotions?) run free because … to be honest, they are so closed down re. this that I have to just allow time to take care of whatever I am “feeling”

At 6.00pm my doorbell rang.

I was expecting my rx delivery and opened the door.

There, 6ft high, with tears in his eyes, stood RYAN... he said “I love you Mom” and walked in and hugged me.

Of course, I’ve dreamed this dream so many times so just went in the kitchen and put the kettle on... (as one would) - turned around and he was still standing there. I kept touching him, he kept holding his arms out to hug me and told me he loved me, that he was sorry, that he no longer blamed his Dad and I, that his life had to change and he wanted to move on to the future.

My BigBoy is a man. Ryan is a man (tho still my baby). I see my boy but in a grown-ups body. He’s finally found the way around his brain and with a big heart brought himself to the house ... I don’t know how long he was here. Not a clue. I haven’t seen or spoken with him in years – except in my dreams/nightmares, in my head and with y’all. I never believed, no no, I never ALLOWED myself to believe, I would see him again – the pain has eaten from the inside out for so long – but those of you who have faith said it would happen. I closed the box on the lid so long ago for fear of ever having to hope for something I never believed would happen. I believed ‘anything was possible’ – except that. Even with those closest in my life, I said I didn’t believe it would happen.

We talked about the care homes, some of not-so-good times and the GOOD times, Charlie and the girls and the rock concerts they used to put on as they grew up, his cousins, the things that had happened to him in care... the things that we’ve never talked about that I’ve fought the authorities over. He told me he knew I had never stopped loving him and never stopped fighting for him – that he had been angry for so so long, that he knows why we had to do the things we did. He seems to understand a lot more but I realise that this is going to be a long process of building on the love that is there.

I will take very tentative first steps. I’m not even stepping at the moment as my feet are not grounded – I’m either floating or floored. Don’t know which one. We can’t go back in time – the past is done, all we can do is move forward each day.

Statistics for children in care… few make it into the world as rounded people... he has survived the system and he’s done that with the love from my parents, his brother and Pam who has been a Mom to him for the last few years. She told me this was coming a few months back, but I was non-responsive - ice... she cried when she told me but I couldn’t react because I said it wouldn’t happen. No.emotion.whatsoever. I never dared hope it would so I could not let myself believe it. Those boxes shut a long time ago to protect myself... I have not cried for that dark box in many moons. It’s remained firmly tight shut.

As I don’t know what to feel, I suppose the box is still shut and if the past is to remain the past, it may remain sealed.

Perhaps we can start over – after all, he’s no longer a little boy or an angst-ridden adolescent – he’s a man who has his own, very sheltered and semi-protected life (thanks to my parents) where he will always have a roof over his head in the city.

Had the deer not died ... had my car not got mangled, (my parents have seen the photos and were visibly upset in front of Ryan when they saw him).... yesterday, because my Mom told him about the accident he made the decision to bring me back into his life right then and this was all his doing. His choice, the door was open, it was always open, and he chose to walk through, arms wide open.

He said he had wanted to do this for the longest time but didn’t know how. Pam told him I would never approach him and gave the reasons, that this could only come from him.

Obviously, I don’t know him ( hoping there will be time for that now) – ya know, not all the stuff you would know about your kids... but I understand his feelings and know how brave he was to do this and how proud I am of who he’s become. I won’t/can't treat him like a child – he’s a grown man now and this needs to be done calmly and quietly and taking small and VERY measured steps. He needs to trust again, perhaps he does already, perhaps he doesn't need to, and... I don’t claim to be his Mom... but I will always do what’s in his best interests. This time I will not let any so-called experts rip the family apart. I told him I still had much anger towards the system... he said “there’s no point Mom, what’s done is done, let's move forward”... I will take his lead and perhaps, I will see him again.

Slowly does it.

I never believed I would ever see my son again... those who loved me assured me I would. Thank you all for never giving up on believing that good things would happen to me, that he would find me.

I have so much good in my life, totally blessed, I found peace and strength 16 months back though it had actually been there for many, many years... and have never looked back since. One day at a time... the past is the past, the present IZ a gift, tomorrow is the future...

It may be fragile, or maybe not, I don’t know, but tomorrow will come.

Ryan came back to me.



TODAY

I spent 2.5 hours with my son today. I didn’t know if he would come back like he said yesterday, but he did. I called his Dad (pre-informed) who came over – we sat laughing, talking, telling him how we loved him, him telling us he loved us and all he cared about now was getting back with his family.

<really, how does that happen? did the last 6 years ever happen? who am I to question? let it be!>

He told his Dad, when they were alone, that he was sorry he broke our family up <so sad, he didn't break us up, he doesn't know half of what happened and can't, because some things kids shouldn't know>. His Dad assured him he was NOT responsible and that it was his Mom and Dad who went their separate ways, who had the inability to fix their relationship – but that we’d never stopped loving him or his brother and thought of him every single day and that his Dad and I remain good friends. His Dad was teary when they met – they wouldn’t let each other go.

<I mean… I can see it…I saw it, but I don’t know if I understand what I’m seeing>

They were then high-fiving and talked of movies (who knew they were SO alike and watch identical things) – his Dad then drove him back to Pam’s. We talked about our respective lives – where we were, who we were with, what we had been doing over the years.

Ryan … well, it’s still all so surreal – I can see my boy but I don’t recognise the man he is. I don’t know the man he is. I know the bond, I know ‘the feeling’, I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in his touch. It’s.the.strangest.thing.

<am I really writing this?>

His Dad phoned me just now and we’re both in shock. I keep thinking someone’s going to slap me sideways and wake me up with a jolt, that this couldn’t possibly be happening. I can’t cry. I can’t jump up and down. I don’t know what to feel other than unconditional love for my son.

He’s a bright young man – no education since he was 11… yet the things that he knows are beyond my comprehension. He is almost a peaceful hippy loving man who wishes to live in an ideal world – he abhors violence, he wants the world to live in peace… I almost wanted to break into song as he spoke...



but now, he no longer drinks coca cola – it’s bad for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! He drinks water.

He lives in the world of conspiracies and theories – talking of the how we should harness energy and technology to make a better world, Sam(something)aian clay slabs, the Pyramids, crossing into the world of Pisces (Neptune into Pisces?) and the angles of the earth, the tilt, the vibrations in our bodies… how money is just paper with pictures on and why does the world revolve around it - I know someone who would delight in his conversation.

I don’t know who the person was sitting in front of me… but what I do know is that the darkness appears to have lifted and he sees light. I don’t see a man who can fit into society as we know it – I hear a man who is talking about how he wants to change the world, how he wants to make a difference – but not like society as a whole does – he wants religions to be as one, to get the goodness from the earth and to live with love. His affinity to animals is quite extraordinary. I talked to him about whether he could 'work' with animals… but he’s not ready to face the world in that way (he doesn't get out too much) – he says he is only interested in seeing his family and putting the past firmly behind him.

He is scared of how the world is being left to his generation when most of his generation only care for the next iphone coming out or the latest “must have” when, what he wants, is for the world to work together and how we should be putting our energy into “getting along” and making the world a better place for all. He doesn’t like (is vehement about) how we nuke the seas and the land with radiation and poisons killing animals and harming the earth. Is he now the ultimate pacifist. He can talk for England (who knew WE were so alike!)

<seriously, what I am writing, can you make this up?>

We spoke of how we have all changed, how we live such different lives… we spoke of Links Tor – his good memories… to hear him laugh… I can’t even describe how that makes me feel… laughter from his soul – genuine.

There is no script.

It appears he has turned the page and we are on a new chapter.

I don’t know what will happen now and I have no expectation. I have to let it work itself out however it’s going to. I don’t know how I feel… other than, if I died today, I’ve seen my son before my time came and I know what love is.

<go away Foreigner, I do KNOW what love is!>

He does want to live.
He does laugh.
He does love.


I haven’t told Sean anything. He has a geography exam at school tomorrow – I don’t wish him to lose his focus. (cop-out - What am I going to tell him? <laughs> - no idea! Just tell him how it is.)

Shock – I think that’s what I feel… I don’t know if I’m numb or ice or whether I still think I am going to wake up and this was all some horrible trick. I think I’m waiting for some payback – the suckerpunch - something to happen to make it all have just been some wild dream, that I’m going to wake up and then chuckle at how stupid I was to think this could be real and of course it was just the same dream that I’ve had so many times.

I seriously am questioning my sanity for even saying any of this out loud.

Yet, I am totally calm – peaceful even. I stepped back to allow him to be who he was then and deadened that emotion in order to be able to live again.

I keep pinching myself wondering if this is real. Can this really be happening. Well, it is. To be honest – I don’t have a clue what’s going on – but whatever it is, I’ll Keep Calm and Carry On!

Mom and Dad have been here today also. We’re all in shock. I can’t really talk to them about it, I don’t know what to say – I did speak with them last night, Mom was crying (understatement of the year), Charlie was crying, Pam was crying, my strength was jubilant and harking with the heralds singing – but today, I am just pottering around inside and out whilst the tree-man opens up the garden and lets the light in (so much light). He knew Ryan… 2/3 weeks ago I told him I hadn’t seen my son in years, we talked about Links Tor, things goneby. Today, my son is here when tree-man is The tree-man said “I call it, days like these”. He left at lunchtime to pick up his wife who has been very seriously ill… for weeks they have been waiting for the CT results – today when he left here for lunch, he took his wife home and the results were on the doormat. Clear. For him it’s also “day’s like these”… when nothing in the world matters more than feeling that love in your heart.

<what was that about the world tilting, is there something in the water?>

I believe I only have control over what I do. Not what ANYONE else does, only in what I do, where I am, how I choose to be, how I choose to live.

<I'm forever blowing bubbles>

I don’t believe I will ever allow myself to be manipulated by anyone again or be controlled by other's negative emotions.

I believe that time will take care of whatever is going to happen.

All I can do is accept it as what it is. There can be no spinning or spin.

Whatever happens, IS going to happen. I can’t change any of my life as it is, for the “what if” scenario – it simply is what it is and life will continue.

“days like these” – it’s good to have “days like these”.

I look in the mirror and see that I am no different now than I was at 5.55pm yesterday. Yet everything is different. I have to keep my life on the same steady and wholly beautiful path that I’m on and if this is real, then, happy days.

I lost my son for years. He was gone. I grieved. I learned to live without him and to live with myself.

Now, he has come home.



Friday, March 1, 2013
17.24
FinestQuotes.com

Hello, Izzie.

As for the future, your task is not to foresee it, but to enable it.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery


schpoooooooooooky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


((((((((Crew))))))))))x

(( iz ))

Gasped and started crying here. Read the rest through tears.

I bit of a line from a poem--My heart leaps up.

Izzie querida. Words. Nothing to say. You know how I feel. I can only imagine how you feel.

((((( MzIzz)))))

I could just feel you breathing as I read that.

I'm so glad your son could come and speak to you.

That is mmmmmmmmmmm mahousive!


I would just love to be able to break into a song right now.

Will have to sing in my head for the next hour.

So very, very happy for you all!

I was guessing from your hint of untellable joy on your last post I read before this, that it might be Ryan. Tears of relief from me to you and Ryan, your ex and Ryan, Sean and Ryan, dammit, so good to hear. The course may not be smooth from now on, but it doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

As I was reading I started to put the dear deer together with Ryan showing up, but I'm your advertisable least spiritual person for miles around. Wrong, next I read the news helped him to show up.. and so I'll always connect them.

major post for us there, Iz.

God does indeed work in mysterious ways:

The prodigal son returns…


But as soon as this thy son was come, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.

And she said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.

It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy son was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is now found.
Luke 15:

Keep Calm
And
Rejoice

Hallelujah!!!

I KNEW it would happen. I prayed it would so many times! My heart is about to bust. I cannot imagine how you are feeling sweet Izzie.

I love you. I love those boys.
Amazing. Absolutely overwhelmingly uncomprehendingly amazing.

But how could he not be drawn eventually to all that love you have been holding out. The patience, the longing.

I'm dancing.

Hah lay lue YAH!

Wow. Just wow.. !!

I am so sorry what you experienced with the deer but he/she gave you the most beautifulist gift of life, ever.

And, from there so too came other gifts. You deserve to see it all like that because it IZ.

I am so overwhelmed with happiness for you Izzie.. I haven't been on A2K long enough but our dear friend, told me to look up a couple of threads along time ago and I did..

You write totally from the heart and to read what you write, makes you feel you are sitting in the room listening to the story, which makes you even more special and it's clear Ryan has alot of you in him, such love.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just truly so happy ....

Oh, this means so much. More than I can put into words. I don't know how you have managed, honestly I don't. If I were there right now, I would give you the biggest, biggest HUG!!!

Who knows what tomorrow may bring. For today, though, just let it all in. Breathe slowly and deeply. Laugh and relax to the core. Then celebrate, in your own way. It's about time.

Much, much love...

I'm so happy for you Izzie, so happy for you and Ryan and the rebuilding. One day at a time, and enjoy every moment. Love and hugs to you and your family!

I should have added, relief for Ryan, easily primary..