Thank you all, so much. Y'all know I iz struggling right now but I'm writing this to help my thought process and to keep a timeline of phonecalls and blah.
Luckily, growing plates are unaffected, this should make things easier to heal. He's k-wired together, they will pull them out in a few weeks.
S-boy slept well - meds at 4am and then slept til the next lot of meds, pain’s a problem but coping, he’s angry and frustrated…
mentally, he's not doing so well - he is feeling the pressure at the repercussions of the school asking how we wish to proceed and is trying, as S-boy would, to tell the other boy that "everything is fine, don't worry, concentrate on your A'levels, it was an accident"
what he meant was he knows the intention was not to break bones, but to hurt him.
spendius wrote:
My advice is to let the matter drop. What's done is done. Your concerns are then limited to a mending process whereas pressing charges might lead you to places you do not need to go.
Yep…
mentally, I’m not coping with it either and have been made aware of the other parents fears of us pressing charges; The parents wish us to make a decision now rather than in a few weeks time - understandably, their son is taking A'levels and has
already been accepted into the Marines. The injury and hospital reports clearly indicate the force. As S-boy says, “he didn't mean to break my wrist, he intended just to hurt me”.
I've read everything everyone has said and I thank you for the advice. I still need advice please because I’m trying to think it through, what’s best for S-boy and his peace of mind.
I don't know what to do and I feel incredibly guilty that I/we may make a decision that is a) not protecting my son b) allowing anyone to believe this behaviour is acceptable without consequence and c) ruining (not that we are responsible for his actions) the career of child/young adult who made a mistake losing his temper. Unfortunately, at the physical expense of my child.
Protecting my child, do what you should do; making it 10 times worse for S-boy because I KNOW he does not wish to press charges, but understanding that as parents, we don’t give S-boy the wrong message by not doing anything when someone hurts him. He also believes that there should be a consequence to physically being hurt by someone.
I can't even begin to tell you the guilt I've got going on at having to think about what is best for S-boy. I understand everything everyone says publically and do agree with the thoughts. However, being in this situation is not as crystal clear – not in my world anyway.
Call me selfish or whatever – but I cannot take on the responsibility of what this chap does in the future if we don’t press charges. I really can’t take on that responsibility.
I have spoken to the police mentioning no names or the school or anything other than what I know. On the information I have given them, the boy would be charged - clear cut from the injury – but there is GBH with intent and GBH without intent. Either way, the boy would not be able to pursue his career. They advised, whilst making it clear they would follow up immediately at any stage if we chose to proceed, that the rollercoaster that would emerge from officially informing them is something that S-boy would have to deal with and be prepared for – his word against another’s, involving all other children as witnesses. They would need to interview each and every child who was there - all of whom are also doing their GCSE’s and A'levels. That is not an issue for me per se – it is an issue for S-boy.
If this was a clear cut bullying situation - I would not hesitate to press charges.
This kid is a not a bully – not according to S-boy or the school. He does have a temper - as do most folk I know. What he's done is wrong, no question. How to deal with it whilst being tired and in pain is not the right thing to do at the moment.
The other boy says it was an accident, that he would never intentionally hurt S-boy. He knows the consequences of admitting intent so… it is what it is, his word against S-boy. According to the school the other children have not stated that this was done with malice – they all say he did it but not how it was done, but we don’t have the report yet so we’re not positive what anyone was saying. There appear to be different accounts, for instance, the school told S-boys Dad that “there was no ball and the kids were all mucking around”…. That’s simply not true – they were all laying/sitting on the ground talking when a ball which was being played with by younger kids was thrown towards them.
S-boy knows it was an accident breaking his wrist, but not an accident being stomped on - boys are boys and they are a little more rambunctious than girls – in the eyes of the law an assault, whether intentional or not, occurred, resulting in broken bones. Either way, if we press charges, the boys career is over due the severity of the injury – this is what I’m being told. If he had, unprovoked, thumped S-boy one, there would have been an automatic suspension. If it had been violent bullying ... automatic expulsion.
So what is the school doing about someone who has broken bones not caused by playing around? This is the question we’re waiting to be answered.
This just isn't so clear cut tho I realise it must appear that way. It’s easy to say we know S-boy got injured and is struggling.
They both went for a rugby ball that had been thrown – S-boy was sitting on the ground talking with 3 other children – the ball was coming down on top of the group and two of them went to catch it - there was a clash of big boys head on S-boys shoulder. Older boy swore, stood up, S-boy was still on the ground - the other kid “reacted” by walking off, stomping on S-boy’s wrist as he went, then reappearing when the ambulance arrived – he didn’t come back for the screams or the gathering crowd, he came back after, I imagine, he had cooled down. The other boy’s story that we have been told, is he’d raised his foot to stomp S-boys stomach/chest (this information coming from what the big boy told the school), he said S-boy shielded his stomach/chest, the force of the foot going down on the wrist. The school asked him why on earth he would do that, did he not think of what could have happened. The boy didn’t think, he reacted.
Ergo - there was no "play" about it BUT, was it a “reaction” because they’d clashed head/shoulder or an “action with malice/intent to injure” because he was pissed at Sean because they clashed whilst both going for the ball. Whether there was malice to injure, or just using his weight against S-boy is another thang, not realising he was going to damage him as he did. I know boys – they are a physical bunch.
I don't know, I wasn't there. S-boy was – S-boy is the one who saw the look and recognised and felt the anger and the deliberate action. I don’t see how it could be anything but intentional to hurt – lashing out – with serious repercussions.
S-boy is angry right now and frustrated, the pain is making it worse too.
We don’t know what the other children who were there have said in detail. From talking with the school they appear to be saying yes, he did this, but they don’t think he meant to break his bones… and since they have done nothing other than talk with the boy and his parents, it feels to me as if they are saying that “kids are kids”… and to a point, I understand that, but only to a point – in this situation I simply don’t agree with there not being any consequences. The school have also told me that the parents have suggested withdrawing their child (therefore he can’t be suspended or expelled) voluntarily to return just to take his exams. S-boy is actually feeling a huge sense of betrayal that this has happened.
I can only deal in "details" and what I “see” in front of me right now... and I can't see the detail but I can see my kid hurting. I can only see the bigger picture and wider ramifications if we/the school call in the police. S-boy has 3 more years at school... all his friends are taking exams that determine their futures... will the older boy learn more by facing S-boy (which is being organised tho right now, this minute, S is too angry to face anyone who is not going to admit what they did –(he and I are cut from the same cloth) and understanding the extent of what S has gone and will go through, or will making an example of this child and punishing him for a thoughtless act/anger issue, end a career before it's started, and possibly make him into a very angry young man who turns bad through this.
He's not a bad kid, he really isn’t, but he did a bad thing with serious consequences - I am reassured by teachers and staff and most importantly S-boy, that this boy is not a bullyboy or bad kid. He’s a testosteroned up kid doing his A’levels who S-boy gets on with, but who S-boy is really REALLY pissed at right now, not surprisingly.
He hurt my boy - do we want to hurt him back..... no... not physically, no... do we want him to understand the severity of what he's done... definitely. S-boy wants him to admit what he did but doesn’t want him expelled, unfortunately… admission results in expulsion, resulting in not going into the Marines. That feels a lot of pressure for S-boy.
Deciding what to do about that... we can't right now. S-boy has to mend.
Quite honestly, we feel (at this point in time) that the school ought to have suspended him already – no matter what happened they know the kid was angry and know he broke bones – they should have done something about it. I think we would leave it that, had that happened.
S-boy actually wants none of this to have happened. He doesn’t want to think about any of it but as he says, what else can he think about and it is making him more upset – he can’t to diddly squat right now other than think, get frustrated and he’s getting more upset.
Of course, as the days go on, he will feel less pain and things will normalise a bit.
As a parent, I don't want the older kid to suffer, not on such a permanent level - but I do hear everything y'all are saying and I am pissed off and feel something ought to be done already – I need to be just taking care of my son and the school ought to have acted, in my opinion. I did make it clear to them today that as parents, we cannot just let this disappear as a learning curve – that is wholly the wrong thing for S-boy. Perhaps the school need a learning curve too … but as I’ve been the bitch from hell parent for the first few weeks of term because of what has been going on at school and the “real” bullying which occurred last term… for some reason I am feeling really f*cking guilty – why, am I not protecting my child – I am trying, I placed him at this school to keep him safe.
My ONLY consideration right now must be to get S-boy to mend and do the right thing for HIM.
I completely understand what the parents of the other kid must be going through – thing is, things like this happen so quickly and all of a sudden you’re life can be turned upside down. I know that, I’ve lived with that already.
S-boy needs to know we hear him and we’ll respect whatever decision he makes – obviously, the final decision lies with his Dad and I – but we won’t go against S-boy unless it is in his best interests. I KNOW he is feeling unwarranted guilt at what could happen to this kid, but he is also feeling anger ... he needs to heal
that’s what he needs to do
and try not to think about the other kid right now and he also needs to know that we WILL protect him and we WILL do everything to make this easier for him. He's very worried about his exams - but the thing he is more worried about is not being able to play flute properly and we've had lots of tears over this.
Knowing S-boy as I do - the guilt of charging this chap is overriding how he feels right now but it is making him angry. That is the saddest thing for me, because I know him so well and I know he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders - his shoulders are little and I can see not just the physical pain on his face, but the mental pain of "what happens if...". That's a lot of responsibility even for an adult.
He has told me if the school do nothing, i.e. allowing this boy to “get away with it”, then he does not want to go back there. I get that.
Had S-boy broken his wrist for any other reason – we’d all be having a giggle about getting out of his exams etc etc. Unfortunately, as someone did this to him it opens up a can of worms we’d rather not be dealing with.
So, I don't want him to think about it, but it is all he’s thinking about ... I will fight for him and some kind of “justice” or whatever anyone wants to call it… but only if I believed that is the right thing to do in S-boys best interest. S-boy has to live with this decision too; did his mate do right by him, no – should he punish his mate permanently?
I’m good with detail. The bigger picture tho is a little fuzzy. I need more details before we decide what to do - take a breath, so to speak.
The school believe we should meet with the parents and kid as soon as S-boy is able to – S-boy says “what’s the point?” – he has a point. Apparently this is to prove that the boy is remorseful. Well, he’s hardly gonna not be remorseful, is he?
Nothing can change the past, but the future can be influenced by actions in the coming days/weeks. I don’t want to make a rash emotional decision, or for S-boy to make a decision at this time.
Chances are his arm will be perfectly fine in the future. However, as my brother has pointed out, should anything go wrong in the next few weeks or they have to re-operate or whatever… then everything changes again. When my brother was 14 – he went to my son’s school. A 6th former threw a broom at him, the handle hit his eye. He lost peripheral vision in his eye to the side and up… this prevented him joining the Forces and becoming a Police Officer. He chose a career as an OT and is brilliant at his job.
This feels like history repeating itself. My parents didn’t press charges either.
There’s been a lot of contact with the school today, they keep telling me… and the kids on Facebook have said to S-boy… saying that the kid is so sorry for hurting him. S-boy is trying to be very blasé about it…. He told the boy not to worry, he’ll be fine LOL. S-boy has to be the least vindictive person in the world… but if you are a Portuguese Woman with Human Rights Issues – he’s your man.
The school told me that as S-boy said on FB that the boy was not worry as it was an accident, there is no recourse through the school. Of course, that’s a load of bollocks and I know it. It didn’t go down well when they told me that – they know he will not try to make anyone feel bad – but they are NOT going to negate how he actually feels.
Kinda makes me cry knowing that inside he’s so upset inside and can’t say it out loud.
You know that expression, like mother like son….
Makes me feel a little sick actually.
Oh, and no medical expenses in the UK – we have a National Health System.
Thank you BEAgle for calling this morning – yep, you know how I sounded, I’ve not improved as the day has gone on – but thank you so much for calling. (((((BEAgle)))))
I don’t know why we feel that we’re the ones who have done something wrong here, perhaps the many phonecalls with the school who want this to not be happening…
but for sure, S-boy is feeling that he would not wish to press charges, he just wants the boy to admit he did it deliberately and to know why he would do that.
So, as you can see for anyone who’s read, it’s been playing on my mind all day.
But, see that you mean business and if that was to get out, and all parents then protested, the media may play a part and their reputation will go to dust. 