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"YABBER-LINER" - ALL ABOARD

 
 
mismi
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 03:26 pm
@JPB,
I am always following behind JPB saying, "me too".

So - me too. ((Iz))
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 03:33 pm
Me...

http://comps.canstockphoto.com/can-stock-photo_csp4235903.jpg

Check out "the flower Lady's" Journey, sometimes. Love that song, and "...don't stop believin" Izzie and Sboy
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 04:15 pm
Thank you all, so much. Y'all know I iz struggling right now but I'm writing this to help my thought process and to keep a timeline of phonecalls and blah.

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-UDw66__etVc/T75Q-E0ShhI/AAAAAAAAVBU/7qDUS6hTTxQ/s640/xray1%2520SJC.jpg

Luckily, growing plates are unaffected, this should make things easier to heal. He's k-wired together, they will pull them out in a few weeks.

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-lF3o_ql-TGE/T75kOCRLBLI/AAAAAAAAVBg/j1sEI6dnAyU/s640/xray1%2520SJC-001.jpg
S-boy slept well - meds at 4am and then slept til the next lot of meds, pain’s a problem but coping, he’s angry and frustrated…

mentally, he's not doing so well - he is feeling the pressure at the repercussions of the school asking how we wish to proceed and is trying, as S-boy would, to tell the other boy that "everything is fine, don't worry, concentrate on your A'levels, it was an accident"

what he meant was he knows the intention was not to break bones, but to hurt him.

spendius wrote:

My advice is to let the matter drop. What's done is done. Your concerns are then limited to a mending process whereas pressing charges might lead you to places you do not need to go.


Yep…
mentally, I’m not coping with it either and have been made aware of the other parents fears of us pressing charges; The parents wish us to make a decision now rather than in a few weeks time - understandably, their son is taking A'levels and has already been accepted into the Marines. The injury and hospital reports clearly indicate the force. As S-boy says, “he didn't mean to break my wrist, he intended just to hurt me”.


I've read everything everyone has said and I thank you for the advice. I still need advice please because I’m trying to think it through, what’s best for S-boy and his peace of mind.

I don't know what to do and I feel incredibly guilty that I/we may make a decision that is a) not protecting my son b) allowing anyone to believe this behaviour is acceptable without consequence and c) ruining (not that we are responsible for his actions) the career of child/young adult who made a mistake losing his temper. Unfortunately, at the physical expense of my child.

Protecting my child, do what you should do; making it 10 times worse for S-boy because I KNOW he does not wish to press charges, but understanding that as parents, we don’t give S-boy the wrong message by not doing anything when someone hurts him. He also believes that there should be a consequence to physically being hurt by someone.

I can't even begin to tell you the guilt I've got going on at having to think about what is best for S-boy. I understand everything everyone says publically and do agree with the thoughts. However, being in this situation is not as crystal clear – not in my world anyway.

Call me selfish or whatever – but I cannot take on the responsibility of what this chap does in the future if we don’t press charges. I really can’t take on that responsibility.

I have spoken to the police mentioning no names or the school or anything other than what I know. On the information I have given them, the boy would be charged - clear cut from the injury – but there is GBH with intent and GBH without intent. Either way, the boy would not be able to pursue his career. They advised, whilst making it clear they would follow up immediately at any stage if we chose to proceed, that the rollercoaster that would emerge from officially informing them is something that S-boy would have to deal with and be prepared for – his word against another’s, involving all other children as witnesses. They would need to interview each and every child who was there - all of whom are also doing their GCSE’s and A'levels. That is not an issue for me per se – it is an issue for S-boy.

If this was a clear cut bullying situation - I would not hesitate to press charges.

This kid is a not a bully – not according to S-boy or the school. He does have a temper - as do most folk I know. What he's done is wrong, no question. How to deal with it whilst being tired and in pain is not the right thing to do at the moment.

The other boy says it was an accident, that he would never intentionally hurt S-boy. He knows the consequences of admitting intent so… it is what it is, his word against S-boy. According to the school the other children have not stated that this was done with malice – they all say he did it but not how it was done, but we don’t have the report yet so we’re not positive what anyone was saying. There appear to be different accounts, for instance, the school told S-boys Dad that “there was no ball and the kids were all mucking around”…. That’s simply not true – they were all laying/sitting on the ground talking when a ball which was being played with by younger kids was thrown towards them.

S-boy knows it was an accident breaking his wrist, but not an accident being stomped on - boys are boys and they are a little more rambunctious than girls – in the eyes of the law an assault, whether intentional or not, occurred, resulting in broken bones. Either way, if we press charges, the boys career is over due the severity of the injury – this is what I’m being told. If he had, unprovoked, thumped S-boy one, there would have been an automatic suspension. If it had been violent bullying ... automatic expulsion.

So what is the school doing about someone who has broken bones not caused by playing around? This is the question we’re waiting to be answered.

This just isn't so clear cut tho I realise it must appear that way. It’s easy to say we know S-boy got injured and is struggling.

They both went for a rugby ball that had been thrown – S-boy was sitting on the ground talking with 3 other children – the ball was coming down on top of the group and two of them went to catch it - there was a clash of big boys head on S-boys shoulder. Older boy swore, stood up, S-boy was still on the ground - the other kid “reacted” by walking off, stomping on S-boy’s wrist as he went, then reappearing when the ambulance arrived – he didn’t come back for the screams or the gathering crowd, he came back after, I imagine, he had cooled down. The other boy’s story that we have been told, is he’d raised his foot to stomp S-boys stomach/chest (this information coming from what the big boy told the school), he said S-boy shielded his stomach/chest, the force of the foot going down on the wrist. The school asked him why on earth he would do that, did he not think of what could have happened. The boy didn’t think, he reacted.

Ergo - there was no "play" about it BUT, was it a “reaction” because they’d clashed head/shoulder or an “action with malice/intent to injure” because he was pissed at Sean because they clashed whilst both going for the ball. Whether there was malice to injure, or just using his weight against S-boy is another thang, not realising he was going to damage him as he did. I know boys – they are a physical bunch.
I don't know, I wasn't there. S-boy was – S-boy is the one who saw the look and recognised and felt the anger and the deliberate action. I don’t see how it could be anything but intentional to hurt – lashing out – with serious repercussions.

S-boy is angry right now and frustrated, the pain is making it worse too.

We don’t know what the other children who were there have said in detail. From talking with the school they appear to be saying yes, he did this, but they don’t think he meant to break his bones… and since they have done nothing other than talk with the boy and his parents, it feels to me as if they are saying that “kids are kids”… and to a point, I understand that, but only to a point – in this situation I simply don’t agree with there not being any consequences. The school have also told me that the parents have suggested withdrawing their child (therefore he can’t be suspended or expelled) voluntarily to return just to take his exams. S-boy is actually feeling a huge sense of betrayal that this has happened.

I can only deal in "details" and what I “see” in front of me right now... and I can't see the detail but I can see my kid hurting. I can only see the bigger picture and wider ramifications if we/the school call in the police. S-boy has 3 more years at school... all his friends are taking exams that determine their futures... will the older boy learn more by facing S-boy (which is being organised tho right now, this minute, S is too angry to face anyone who is not going to admit what they did –(he and I are cut from the same cloth) and understanding the extent of what S has gone and will go through, or will making an example of this child and punishing him for a thoughtless act/anger issue, end a career before it's started, and possibly make him into a very angry young man who turns bad through this.

He's not a bad kid, he really isn’t, but he did a bad thing with serious consequences - I am reassured by teachers and staff and most importantly S-boy, that this boy is not a bullyboy or bad kid. He’s a testosteroned up kid doing his A’levels who S-boy gets on with, but who S-boy is really REALLY pissed at right now, not surprisingly.

He hurt my boy - do we want to hurt him back..... no... not physically, no... do we want him to understand the severity of what he's done... definitely. S-boy wants him to admit what he did but doesn’t want him expelled, unfortunately… admission results in expulsion, resulting in not going into the Marines. That feels a lot of pressure for S-boy.

Deciding what to do about that... we can't right now. S-boy has to mend.

Quite honestly, we feel (at this point in time) that the school ought to have suspended him already – no matter what happened they know the kid was angry and know he broke bones – they should have done something about it. I think we would leave it that, had that happened.

S-boy actually wants none of this to have happened. He doesn’t want to think about any of it but as he says, what else can he think about and it is making him more upset – he can’t to diddly squat right now other than think, get frustrated and he’s getting more upset.

Of course, as the days go on, he will feel less pain and things will normalise a bit.

As a parent, I don't want the older kid to suffer, not on such a permanent level - but I do hear everything y'all are saying and I am pissed off and feel something ought to be done already – I need to be just taking care of my son and the school ought to have acted, in my opinion. I did make it clear to them today that as parents, we cannot just let this disappear as a learning curve – that is wholly the wrong thing for S-boy. Perhaps the school need a learning curve too … but as I’ve been the bitch from hell parent for the first few weeks of term because of what has been going on at school and the “real” bullying which occurred last term… for some reason I am feeling really f*cking guilty – why, am I not protecting my child – I am trying, I placed him at this school to keep him safe.

My ONLY consideration right now must be to get S-boy to mend and do the right thing for HIM.




I completely understand what the parents of the other kid must be going through – thing is, things like this happen so quickly and all of a sudden you’re life can be turned upside down. I know that, I’ve lived with that already.

S-boy needs to know we hear him and we’ll respect whatever decision he makes – obviously, the final decision lies with his Dad and I – but we won’t go against S-boy unless it is in his best interests. I KNOW he is feeling unwarranted guilt at what could happen to this kid, but he is also feeling anger ... he needs to heal

that’s what he needs to do

and try not to think about the other kid right now and he also needs to know that we WILL protect him and we WILL do everything to make this easier for him. He's very worried about his exams - but the thing he is more worried about is not being able to play flute properly and we've had lots of tears over this.

Knowing S-boy as I do - the guilt of charging this chap is overriding how he feels right now but it is making him angry. That is the saddest thing for me, because I know him so well and I know he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders - his shoulders are little and I can see not just the physical pain on his face, but the mental pain of "what happens if...". That's a lot of responsibility even for an adult.

He has told me if the school do nothing, i.e. allowing this boy to “get away with it”, then he does not want to go back there. I get that.

Had S-boy broken his wrist for any other reason – we’d all be having a giggle about getting out of his exams etc etc. Unfortunately, as someone did this to him it opens up a can of worms we’d rather not be dealing with.

So, I don't want him to think about it, but it is all he’s thinking about ... I will fight for him and some kind of “justice” or whatever anyone wants to call it… but only if I believed that is the right thing to do in S-boys best interest. S-boy has to live with this decision too; did his mate do right by him, no – should he punish his mate permanently?

I’m good with detail. The bigger picture tho is a little fuzzy. I need more details before we decide what to do - take a breath, so to speak.

The school believe we should meet with the parents and kid as soon as S-boy is able to – S-boy says “what’s the point?” – he has a point. Apparently this is to prove that the boy is remorseful. Well, he’s hardly gonna not be remorseful, is he?

Nothing can change the past, but the future can be influenced by actions in the coming days/weeks. I don’t want to make a rash emotional decision, or for S-boy to make a decision at this time.

Chances are his arm will be perfectly fine in the future. However, as my brother has pointed out, should anything go wrong in the next few weeks or they have to re-operate or whatever… then everything changes again. When my brother was 14 – he went to my son’s school. A 6th former threw a broom at him, the handle hit his eye. He lost peripheral vision in his eye to the side and up… this prevented him joining the Forces and becoming a Police Officer. He chose a career as an OT and is brilliant at his job.
This feels like history repeating itself. My parents didn’t press charges either.

There’s been a lot of contact with the school today, they keep telling me… and the kids on Facebook have said to S-boy… saying that the kid is so sorry for hurting him. S-boy is trying to be very blasé about it…. He told the boy not to worry, he’ll be fine LOL. S-boy has to be the least vindictive person in the world… but if you are a Portuguese Woman with Human Rights Issues – he’s your man.

The school told me that as S-boy said on FB that the boy was not worry as it was an accident, there is no recourse through the school. Of course, that’s a load of bollocks and I know it. It didn’t go down well when they told me that – they know he will not try to make anyone feel bad – but they are NOT going to negate how he actually feels.

Kinda makes me cry knowing that inside he’s so upset inside and can’t say it out loud.

You know that expression, like mother like son….

Makes me feel a little sick actually.







Oh, and no medical expenses in the UK – we have a National Health System.


Thank you BEAgle for calling this morning – yep, you know how I sounded, I’ve not improved as the day has gone on – but thank you so much for calling. (((((BEAgle)))))

I don’t know why we feel that we’re the ones who have done something wrong here, perhaps the many phonecalls with the school who want this to not be happening…

but for sure, S-boy is feeling that he would not wish to press charges, he just wants the boy to admit he did it deliberately and to know why he would do that.

So, as you can see for anyone who’s read, it’s been playing on my mind all day.
Rockhead
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 04:30 pm
@Izzie,
from these trials and tribulations, strong young men emerge.

he's an incredible person, that kid of yours.

he will be ok before it's all over...

it sounds as though the two boys need to get together privately and discuss this away from the cowardly school administration.

((( iz )))
0 Replies
 
mismi
 
  5  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 04:32 pm
@Izzie,
Quote:
So what is the school doing about someone who has broken bones not caused by playing around? This is the question we’re waiting to be answered.


I think it is wise to see how the school chooses to follow up on this.

BUT

If this boy reacts out of anger over an accident of this nature. Can you imagine him being a Marine? Frankly - I don't know I would want someone with that little self control handling any kind of weapon. That's just scary.

I do understand S boys reasons for not wanting to press charges though. Horrid situation. Really sucks.

I do think it is best to wait and think about it a bit though. I have never really been sorry I waited [edit: upon reflection that's not really true - I have been sorry I have waited before - I am sure I am absolutely no help right now]...have many times been sorry for acting too quickly.

Again though [Edit: and in spite of any advice I give]....I know you will do what is best for you and S. My thoughts and prayers and love are with you both. Lerd that x-ray has put my stomach in knots though. Horrid.

((Izzie))
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 04:44 pm
@Izzie,
My god.

What cowards are at that school.

I would want it shut down.

I can't believe they did not call in the police immediately. That would not be a question here. At all.



It is simply beyond belief. They are clearly not competent to be responsible for young people. Cowards.
mismi
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 04:48 pm
@ehBeth,
I agree Beth. If they would press charges, then S and Iz would not have to bear the brunt of making this decision.

I am hoping they will move forward and do what should have been done right off the bat. Personally - what you said about them not being competent enough to be responsible for young people rings true.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 04:53 pm
@Izzie,
I don't know Izzie...

It sounds to me that this "boy" deliberately bullied to show off to his mates.. And, it was after that he felt guilty, liking SBoy.

The "betrail" is the thing that I think you have to focus on, that SBoy can heal from that and get rid of his anger of being betrayed. And, I think maybe the two boys meeting with parents around, may not be a bad idea to help him with that, if this boy understands that whilst he was playing tough, he hurt someone "inside" more I think than outside if that is possible judging from those photos.

I feel so sad.


I think from there, you should "demand" that the school suspend this guy. They are more concerned of their reputation than of protection of their children and it's those words that I would shout at them and bluff them, by telling them that you will take it further and ensure all parents see that.. That this school will not protect "their children"... Every parent.. Perhaps then, they will not see the soft side of you that is there and is beautiful Smile But, see that you mean business and if that was to get out, and all parents then protested, the media may play a part and their reputation will go to dust.

I also think SBoy is worried that if the police are involved, what will he go through at school over the next 3 years from others?

Is there an opportunity to transfer him to another school? I know that would be probably worse in one way, as his friends are at that school..

Perhaps if the school takes "NO BULLYING" policy, suspension and charges aren't pressed, then this 18 year old, would talk to the rest anyway and confess that he was showing off and that he likes SBoy. And, therefore (if charges are not made), then he has to do his best to forever protect SBoy until he is out of school, via his mates.

Random thoughts I guess but I always think, if you can take (1) thing from something written, then it was worth writing.

HUGS (((((IZZIE))))
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:01 pm
@Izzie,
Quote:
As S-boy says, “he didn't mean to break my wrist, he intended just to hurt me”.


Quote:
because I KNOW he does not wish to press charges,


Well- either trust the lad, and I wish you would knock off calling him "S-boy", or admit you are going off on one of your own for whatever reason.
JPB
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:05 pm
well, I think it's all generally dusted under the carpet as boys being boys, which is why a generation later we're hearing a similar something happened to Iz's brother at the same school. We, on this side of the ocean, tend to want retribution at the expense of getting along. S-boy is thinking about his next term there. Or.... his next term elsewhere, which from my not-in-the-middle-of-anything chair sounds like it may be something to think about over the summer.

mismi
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:08 pm
@JPB,
Yep. Can't blame him.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:19 pm
@spendius,
Yep, thanks, I get what everyone's saying - thankee

Not sure what your saying here Spendi? Can you explain please.

spendius wrote:

and I wish you would knock off calling him "S-boy", or admit you are going off on one of your own for whatever reason.


ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:21 pm
So sorry to read all this ((((hugs, Sboy and Izzie)))).

I've mixed feelings but think it should be the school having called police - and I understand the problem this is for S, understand the need to have the stomper learn a serious lesson from this, and that this is questionable in a potential future marine. Don't you be swayed by the parents or the school, Iz. Take your time.

I think I'm also unhappy that S, who has been able to mix it up in sports so far, may be affected by having been stomped on this way.
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:26 pm
@Izzie,
Well-- what I mean is that the lad is a person too and has to be respected. You are only his mother.

I agree with him. I would get better and forget about it. Part of the slings and arrows of outraged fortune. Anybody not up for risking those shouldn't be having kids.

I know his decision will be respected, admired even, by his peers.
Barry The Mod
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:30 pm
From a rugby forum....
"Stamping is never acceptable play and will be penalized every time.
A deliberate stomp can't be anything but an attempt to injure an opponent. You don't stomp when rucking a ball -- that would hardly be useful for your side. You rake your foot backwards if you are legitimately trying to play the ball. If the player's hand happens to get in the way of the rake, well that is OK.
Check out IRB Law 10.4 (b). "A player must not stamp or trample on an opponent."
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:44 pm
@spendius,
spendius wrote:

Well-- what I mean is that the lad is a person too and has to be respected. You are only his mother.

I agree with him. I would get better and forget about it. Part of the slings and arrows of outraged fortune. Anybody not up for risking those shouldn't be having kids.

I know his decision will be respected, admired even, by his peers.


Yep, what you say is absolutley right - except I didn't have kids to have their bones broken by an 18yr old kid with a temper - just as I wouldn't expect kids to have bones broken by adults with a temper.

The only difference is that he does wish that there should be a suspension so that it is acknowledged to HIM that the school do not accept this behaviour in school to ANYONE, not another kid, and that this happened unnecessarily and shouldn't have. As I say - he isn't vindictive IMO - he has had a lot of respect and support from his friends by how he's handling it already from his peers. He simply doesn't not wish to let this go unpunished - which lead back to how he was bullied last term. It is not acceptable in school, any school.

i do think him and S in a room, talk... only those two know exactly what took place.

The school should have suspended by now as is school policy - that is what's upsetting S, it looks to him as tho anything can happen to him, or anyone, and it's swept under the carpet... as was the bullying!

True - this wasn't bullying - not in remotely the same way. Angry kid, big mistake which I hope he truly does regret and will be honest about to Sean.

I am only his Mom, I don't go to school, I don't have to do what he does - in that respect I need to do what is best for him and I WILL take the lead from him; that is what I'll do. My concern at this point is not for the other kid and all that, it's simply about my son, somehow doing his exams and getting back to school - normalcy.

like I say, I do believe when he is in less pain (hopefully next wee) he will be able to deal with this better and be less frustrated and worried. That is what we will now do. Wait until he has been replastered and hopefully he'll be more comfortable. Then we can move forward.



I do see and agree with what you say.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:45 pm
@Izzie,
Spendi will say it for sure, but I'll jump in. I think he's suggesting you drop the "boy". He (s, S?) and has, himself, mentioned it previously.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:47 pm
@Izzie,
There is so much bullying going on in schools these days and the school administrations are looking mostly the other way - a public record would not look good on their resume.

As parents, we need to trust schools to protect our children from harm. Aside from teaching them they foremost need to guarantee a safe environment for all kids. I'd be worried sick sending my child back to a school that seems to have no grip on bullying and/or violence.

If I was caught in such a situation, I'd confront the school and give them the option to either expel the young man (he's no boy with 18) from school or
press charges where the school will have an official entry in their records.
Expelling him from school would spare him from a police charge - yes, he might not make it to the Marines but he still can get any other job. With
a police record on his back, his options are limited.
0 Replies
 
Barry The Mod
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:49 pm
PS - For most incidences of dangerous play (punching, stamping, dangerous tackles etc.) they recommend suspensions starting from two weeks, up to a maximum of one year.
0 Replies
 
Roberta
 
  6  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2012 05:51 pm
I've been reluctant to say much--because I'm so damned angry.

You and Sboy and others are concerned about the perpetrator's future. What about Sboy's future? Will he regain full use of his arm? Will he be able to play the flute, play sports, and do the things he likes to do? I'm not talking about now or in the immediate future. I'm talking about ten years from now.

We've all known people who have recovered fully from broken limbs. And I'm guessing that some of us know some people who haven't

I'm dubious about the other kid's remorse. Is he sorry he hurt Sboy? Or is he sorry he's in trouble? I'm also dubious that an 18-year-old man doesn't understand the consequences or potential consequences of his actions.

I'm sympathetic to Sboy's reluctance to pursue legal action. But I wonder about his perspective. And I wonder whether he's taking into account the long-term consequences of letting that man off the hook. Why should he? He's a kid.

There is one thing I feel certain about: I love you. I'm sympathetic to your situation. My heart is with you. And I'm wishing Sboy a quick recovery. I wish the both of you some peace of mind.
 

 
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