Kids are ruining my marriage

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(this message is going to be controversial - please don't read if you are easily offended on the subject of kids and 'housewifes').

Hi, I'm male, 30, married 5 years ago with a lovely 33yo who had 2 kids from a previous relationship (now around 10yo).

We both have a fiery personality, very driven, very competitive, and we share the same moral values. That's what attracted us to each other, and it's a strong bond. It got us through the lack of money, the lack of free time, and endless heated arguments.

Now on the other hand we never shared taste for music, going out, movies, politics and religion. It never bothered us - we both spent our time working - really really late hours. And whatever time we spent going out together was truly, truly cherished and enjoyed.

Recently I decided that past my 30th b-day I wouldn't risk my health for my work (I had a few frights last year health-wise). So I stopped working weekends and nights. I feel like I want to enjoy the fruit of my labor after 10 years working non-stop. Of course, what wasn't a big issue previously (lack of similar taste for entertainment) is now a big deal (I end up going out on my own she of course hates it).

Well we had some pretty bad up and downs due to that, but even with this particular thing behind us, comes an insurmountable obstacle: the question of the kids.

They basically went from being adorable to acting their age Smile

. Nothing wrong per say, they are still nice kids, but they aren't the cutie pies I fell in love with when I first married my wife. I spend my (now free) time playing cop and I don't like it - I don't want it. My wife constantly take their defense, it's so frustrating. All I'm trying to do is give them some good values when before I didn't have time to due to work. In a nutshell I don't feel like I'm fit to be a Dad. I know, a bit too late, but there you go.

I recently got a much better job and so my wife can afford to quit. The plan is for her to take care of them more - which is nice of course. However I'm absolutely terrified of it. I married a hard working, independent woman. I look around at the mums at my kids school and I certainly wouldn't want to have married that - zombies pushing their buggies around, without a life. If my wife becomes that way - I'll leave her for sure.

But now that I'm the bread winner and pay for everything, wether she or I eft me she'd end up in a council house probably in a bad neighborhood. She doesn't want that, and me neither, because the funny thing is that I still love her - but I hate our 'family life'.

So - I guess a lot of you think I should have seen it coming and you are probably right - except, as I said, I truly love my wife and that's what's stopping me nowadays to just leave. I don't care about money and furniture and what not - she can have everything, I just want a life back.

What should I do?

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I find it hard to believe that you don't care about furniture.

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Haha. Well at least your comment made me chuckle Smile

, and I can use the humor. Couple of things I wanted to add:

It's also hard for me to digest that now that I'm a good professional position, I won't be able to enjoy the single bedroom apartment I always dreamt of buying in the city center. Instead, the money I worked so hard for will go on a family house in some dodgy suburbs (I can't stand the suburb) - because we have kids.

All the things I dreamt of doing after getting a better job are now in jeopardy, always the same reason. Travel? no, too expensive when you have kids. Going out for the theater? No, who's going to babysit, that's expensive, even with the new job. Me going out on my own? No, people who have kids don't do that. Weekends at the outdoor concert? Of course not, that's for 20-something who don't have kids. Going out for New Years eve? Ditto.

I feel stuck, and the more I feel stuck the more I want to leave. It's horrible.

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The A2K women should soon be arriving in droves.

Hang in there until they show.

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What's A2K?

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You are still young and the children will become more independent with each passing year. I know 40 sounds old now, but it's not, and by the time you reach that age the kids will be gone (you did say they are @ 10, didn't you?) and you will have more freedom.

My parents travelled, went to concerts, out on New Year's etc. all through my childhood. Sometimes my siblings and I were invited, sometimes not. Do you have a relative who can watch the kids? What about trading baby sitting time with other parents?

I think you are having an early middle age crisis and you need to decide what is really important. I'm glad you have slowed down the work schedule, but now that you have time to fill and you need to find things that add meaning and purpose to your life. Some of these things should be with the whole family, some of them just with your wife and some of them just for you. I think you have more to gain by staying then running away.

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gustavratzenhofer wrote:

The A2K women should soon be arriving in droves.

Hang in there until they show.

Smartass.

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Adidas87 wrote:

What's A2K?

Able2Know = A2K.

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You have my sympathy Adidas. It sounds like your family is going through a lot of changes.

I understand a lot of what you say, but I don't think it has to be that bad. If the kids are roughly 10 now, there's only 8 more years of them. That time flies. One of the things I particularly empathize with is the desire not to live in the suburbs. I say you don't have to. Especially since the kids are already on the cusp of adolescence. You'll save a lot of money by staying in the city in the form of transportation for them when they get to be 15 or 16. How about a bus pass and a bicycle instead of a car? Think of all the access the kids will have to museums and theaters and such.

I guess I'm trying to say that, even though you have kids, it's ok to prioritize things according to your desires sometimes.

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You're a selfish prick addias get over yourself. Millions of people raise kids everyday without whining like a caged tomcat.

I once asked a 17 year old boy what defined a man. he told me it was when a male shouldered the responsibilities that society offered him. Obviously you are still a boy in that regard.

Take a good hard look at yourself.

Go out and get some parenting lessons. If you constantly have to "play cop" as you put it your going the wrong way about it.

I've edited out all the things I REALLY wanted to say.

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dadpad wrote:

You're a selfish prick addias get over yourself. Millions of people raise kids everyday without whining like a caged tomcat.

I once asked a 17 year old boy what defined a man. he told me it was when a male shouldered the responsibilities that society offered him. Obviously you are still a boy in that regard.

Take a good hard look at yourself.

Go out and get some parenting lessons. If you constantly have to "play cop" as you put it your going the wrong way about it.

I've edited out all the things I REALLY wanted to say.

Come on DP, I know you're good dad and hubby, but don't you have days you just want to walk into the wild and not look back. I don't even have kids and I get days like that. I think we have to assume Adidas wants to do the right thing or he wouldn't be asking for advice.

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People cant vent?

Venting is good. It does not mean that his feelings are being projected on to the kids. It just means he is frustrated ( very normal ) and isnt sure he is doing the right thing ( a good trait for a parent to have) and wants some input from someone outside the marriage ( another trait a parent should have, and we congratulate in parents who seek counseling and outside help..)

I whine all the time about my three year old.
It is a tiring job.

I can not imagine having to adopt in a sense, older children with a marriage.
I can not say I would feel very good about it either.
I would love them as I should.. but i would be venting just the same.
I hope that wouldn't make ME an ass...

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I can relate to this in so many ways and our children were "ours"!

First -- the things that attracted you to each other will remain the things that attract you to each other unless you BOTH want to refocus your connections.

Second -- children need and deserve to be parented. The fact that you have more time to do that now could/should be a good thing. The fact that your wife will have the opportunity to be more involved in their lives is also a good thing. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT SHE NEEDS TO BECOME A SOCCER MOM! I've been running a business from my home since my youngest daughter was one year old. I am NOT a member of the PTA but I am available for every field trip, concert, play, etc that kids want their parents to show up for. She will also be home when the kids get home from school. At 10 - 14 that's a good thing.

Third -- forget 18. You won't see much of the kids once they or their friends begin to drive. From 14 to 16 your role will fall to moral support, guidance, taxi driver, and cash flow. You have a VERY SHORT window of opportunity to make a difference in how these kids develop and mature. Use it to their best advantage.

Fourth -- go ahead and enjoy your personal endeavors. Just make sure that what's good for the gander is equally good for the goose once she decides she has things she wants to do and people/places she wants to see.

Fifth -- vent away. It's a valuable use of time to put your thoughts together and get feedback from a various number of perspectives.

Sixth -- Welcome to A2K!

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The problem ain't the kids.

You and your wife need to get on the same page about things, including the kids.

Get a marriage counselor; they can be a great help when folks are going through upheaveals.

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This is what I love about A2K. Almost on a daily basis, it reinforces why I should never fall into the marriage/kids trap.

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bookmark

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Step-parenting is a bitch. I had two sons and six stepsons. Step parents have a great deal of work and precious little glory.

You knew that five years ago--but you didn't know just how long 13 years could be.

The biggest cause of divorce in first marriages is money.

The biggest cause of divorce in second marriages is disagreements about raising children/step children.

I'm with DrewDad. Get thee (and thy stepchildren's mother) to a counsellor. Go!

Suburbia isn't essential. Neither is enforced family togetherness all day, every day.

Venting is good. Acting is better.

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tststs...

You sound 60, not 30!

You are very stuck in your ways...
You hate Suburbs (you've seen it ALL, right?)
People don't do this, don't do that!
You want your wife to stay at home, but if she changes due to that, you will leave her!

I am married with a smaller child, I work, I go out with my husband as well as on my own.
New years eve we had a party at our house, so we did not even need a babysitter.
We don't like the same music, and hardly the same movies, but sometimes I watch his type, sometimes he watches mine.

I think a partnership is a lot about compromising, but also about looking at things from different angles if your current view if things don't look right.

I suppose I don't know enough of you to make a judgement, but from your post you seem pretty self-centered, and that might be ruining your marriage more than your children!

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@Adidas87,

i think one solution could be for your wife to work part-time if it's possible, maybe with the idea of going back to work full-time later? i wouldn't be terrified that she might turn into a "buggy-pushing zombie". if she has always been active and driven before this is not going to change. what does SHE think about all this? ask each other what does each of you genuinely want to happen in the next 5-10 years?

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Kids are ruining my marriage

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