clashing with 40 yr. kid at 70 going on 45.

First off, welcome to Able2know. :-D

Second, I think the thing here is that (a) your daughter is concerned about the future (which is understandable - everyone's concerned about the future) and (b) I think this statement of yours is telling: "By the time I will need help, I can be remarried, dead, wealthy from a new business I've created, out of the country with my husband et al."

Regarding that statement - sure, all of those things are possible, but pretty much none of them are in your hands except for dying (ick, sorry, I don't mean that you should do something about that - please please don't misunderstand me here). The bottom line is that this isn't very reassuring - it looks like you're just waiting for the winds of fate to blow you in one direction or another. Even if you don't really feel this way, the fact is that this kind of a statement makes it look that way.

Your daughter is concerned (and yeah, she's overdoing it and giving you digs which isn't nice) but she has a point - where are the objective signs that you can take care of yourself, now and in the future? Not the maybes, the possibles, the might-happens, but the definites and the will-happens? How much do you have put away (these are rhetorical questions, please don't answer them here as they'll be available to the entire Internet)? Could you survive for a while without being dependent on her? For how long? If you have $35,000 in the bank and enough home equity for another $50,000 and are working a good job then you can (nicely) tell her that all's well and she should get off your back.

But - if you have no savings and borrow to make your bills, or your house is mortgaged 3 times and you have no equity, or you have thousands of dollars in credit card debt, or you have no job or a job with no future (food service, temping, etc.), or you are dependent upon the possible attentions of a man who may or may not be around or interested or healthy or available, etc. then she may be giving you digs but she's right when it comes to being concerned about what might happen.

Let's separate out the emotional part of this (she's giving you digs and this is a difficult situation to be in with your child) and go for the objective side of it.

* Can you become financially independent? Debts can be paid down. You rented out rooms, that can be done. You can work. Refinancing was a good idea; interest rates are very good these days. Can you get credit debt moved to a loan (bank or a different card) with a far lower interest rate)?
* The house can be sold. You can move to a cheaper place. You need not be tied to a property that's too big.
* What else is there for you to do? Will training help you get a better job or a raise? It's never too late to learn, and taking a class will, of course, show that you are committed to improving things for yourself.
* How can you cut back on expenses? Less cable? Cheaper ISP? Less air conditioning? Generic prescriptions? Less expensive food?

Becoming financially independent, or at least moving in that direction, will ease a lot of this tension and, more importantly, will make you feel a lot better and more confident if/when she tells you yet again that she's disappointed in you.

Best of luck to you.

I like old people! Best of luck to you!

babebarb--

Would you say that your daughter is a malicious and all-knowing nag or an affectionate nag? Or is she an Admire Me & My Wisdom nag?

What ever the subgenus, you want her to stop it--yesterday!

When she mentions your financial insolvency, ask her: "What do you recommend that I do?"

If her answer is a list of your fiscal shortcomings, tell her that your health will not tolerate fruitless, bootless, repetitive nagging. You have enough pressure on you that you have no need to borrow trouble.

Then come up with a neutral--and hopefully cheerful--topic.

If she offers good advice, urge her to elaborate (take notes if you need to) and admire her financial savvy. Fine words can butter a lot of parsnips.

You have my sympathy. Bairns are a blessing--except when they are being loftily sententious.

Good luck. Hold your dominion.

clashing with 40 year old kid
You daughter isn't putting things very tactfully, that's obvious. But what's also obvious, is that she's worried. On the other hand, your position isn't exactly unselfish.

It may sound harsh for her to say she won't be able to care for you, but look at her side. A little help from you in explaining your position, a little give from her in explaining hers...

What isn't clear is why you refuse to plan. What is your objection to having some guidelines in place for your future? Sure, you raised your daughter, you "wiped her bottom" and helped her grow up, and the prevailing idea is that you should be able to look to her for some help in your old age, in return. But be realistic: what kind of help can she actually give - what kind of financial situation does she have, for example, and what kind of family responsibilities of her own? Is it fair for you not to think ahead, to simply figure that you'll wing it "when the time comes" - and come it most certainly will. Shouldn't you give some thought to bearing your share?

Ask her what she really means by "plans". Try to pin her down - this may even ease some of the personal/emotional tension between you on the subject; try for objectivity on both your parts.

babebarb : welcome to able2know AND the 70's crowd. can't give you any advice about your daughter(not that i don't have one - but it's a personal thing you have to settle with her). as far as the financial end is concerned, i've always tried to live by the old (german) saying that "to reduce your debt increases your capital". generally speaking debts and particularly the interest on any debt can EAT YOU ALIVE. while i don't know much about your situation, i would say you might want to consider a financial adviser WHO DOES NOT SELL ANY FINANCIAL PRODUCTS ! ! ! a seniors' association or AARP might be able to steer you in the right direction - asking for advice should NOT cost anything initially. GOOD LUCK ! hbg

babebarb, First of all, WELCOME to A2K. You may be as healthy as you might think you are, but at 70, you're pushing your luck. I think that your daughter's concerns are well founded, according to what you have told us about your refinancings and bankrupt business. Please listen to her; she has your best interest at heart. Instead of hearing the naggings, start listening to her, and work on getting your emotional, health, and financial house in order. It's sad, but the fact is most women do not know how to handle financial responsibilities. Their husbands always took care of the finances, and when they pass on, the wife is literally lost in moneyland. Good luck.

Hello, babebarb & WELCOME to A2K!
& good luck with sorting out your finances!

When I cracked about reminding daughter of who wiped HER ass, that was in response to the way she addressed the situation and her attitude about it all. It's ugly, and a hell of a thing to beat your mother over the head with. But daughter's point is well understood. The idea of being solely responsible for your mother is an awesome one and you want to know that there's some fallback somewhere. But daughter could stand some lessons in kindness instead of mom having to bite her tongue.