loved the first few seasons the best
"Bag O' Glass"
Consumer Reporter.....Candice Bergen
Irwin Mainway.....Dan Aykroyd
(excerpt)
Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we'd like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for $1.98, and it's called Bag O' Glass. [ holds up bag of glass ] Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.
Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it's you know, it's glass, it's broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It's just broken glass, you know?
Consumer Reporter: [ laughs ] I don't understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!
Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look - you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We're just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it's a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?
Consumer Reporter: So, you don't feel that this product is dangerous?
Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, "Kid! Be careful - broken glass!" I mean, we sell a lot of products in the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O' Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid. They're decent toys, you know what I mean?
Not For Ladies Only
Barbra Walters.....Gilda Radner
Marlene Dietrich.....Madeline Kahn
Barbra Walters: Good evening, and welcome to "Not For Wadies Only". I'm Baba Wawa, and tonight we'll be talking to an actual wiving wegend - the incwedible Mawene Dietrich.
Marlene Dietrich: Thank you. It's gweat to be heah.
Barbra Walters: Mawene, what is it wike to be wiving wegend?
Marlene Dietrich: Wet me just say, it's been a weawy wich expewience.
Barbra Walters: I'm so impwessed. Mawene.. you are so with and swender. How do you stay so swim?
Marlene Dietrich: Swimming keeps me swim. My daily wegimen incwudes swimming twelve waps in my pool. It's wonderful for my wegs.
Barbra Walters: Mawene, tell us the secwet of your perpetual youth.
Marlene Dietrich: I only eat healthy foods. I get massaged weguwally, and.. I've had evewything wifted.
Barbra Walters: [ incredulous ] You mean you've had your wegs wifted?!
Marlene Dietrich: Evewything, even my weah.
Barbra Walters: Your what?
Marlene Dietrich: My weah.
Barbra Walters: Your wear?
Marlene Dietrich: What?
Barbra Walters: Dwop it.
Marlene Dietrich: You bwought it up. [ laughing in ] Of course, wooking gwamowous on film isn't all beauty secwets. A wot of it is wighting. I do all my own wighting.
Barbra Walters: I didn't weawize you wote.
Marlene Dietrich: I don't. I wight.
Barbra Walters: You're weferring to.. [ moves her fingers as though typing ] ..typewriter witing, wight?
Marlene Dietrich: [ pointing to lights ] I'm weferring to ewectwic wighting. You see, in pictures, bwight wighting can be vewy unfwattering, particuwawy if it makes my wegs wook white. Baba, am I wong to want to appear wadiant?
Barbra Walters: No, that's very weasonable.. [ to herself ] Hawy Weasonuh.. Hawy Weasonuh.. five million dollars.. I'm wich! [ to camera ] Well, we've wun out of time. Before we go, I wanted to mention what a beautiful fur you have on. Is it mink?
Marlene Dietrich: No, it's just a silly wabbit.
Barbra Walters: Well, Mawene, it's been a weal pweasure. I thank you. [ into camera ] Don't forget to dwop in next week when our guest will be Elmer Fudd. Good night.
cool website
SNL Transcripts
But that was the whole point which, IMO, made it kind of sad.
