I'm uncomfortable receiving recognition

Did too dent!

The theory was that it's a gender role thing.

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sozobe wrote:

It really seemed simpler to just not do well and sidestep the whole issue, but for some reason I never really got to that point.

Well, I tried it and it doesn't work. It's immensely unsatisfying and you're not fooling anybody anyway. You end up creating random challenges for yourself (like writing with the other hand) to keep from going bonkers and you pretty much go bonkers anyway.

Quote:

Anyway, I think that whole experience (not just with spelling tests but in general) contributed to some of my current unease.

That makes a lot of sense. Incidentally, I work with another woman who is very smart and good at her job (and also gets recognition for it) and she doesn't appear to have this problem or else she hides it very well. Then again, she's a bit older and maybe got over it some time ago.

I think it's a combination of the gender role theory and what fishin' said. (Hands fishin' a Ding King.)

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There's another thing.

I'm not actually a hard worker (evident from the amount of time I spend here). I mean, I can be when it's warranted, but in general I work as hard as I have too and not one lick harder. And I know there are people who work harder than me but don't get kudos for that.

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Yeah, that resonates too. I do think you deserve credit for focus/ efficiency/ effectiveness, though. As in, obviously results are being praised -- if you are able to get better results with less work, that's still praise-worthy.

I definitely know people who plug away and work hard and just don't really accomplish much.

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Re: I'm uncomfortable receiving recognition

FreeDuck wrote:

Anybody know what to do about this?

Good job expressing my feelings, FreeDuck!

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Et tu, Tomas?

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Yes, on both the experience and the sadism.

One thing that's helped me was to join teams where many people are a lot better than I. That way I was never the genius who saved the day all the time. The strategy does its job, although it can have side effects in job interviews. ("Did you finish on top of your class?" Honest answer: "Actually, no. I studied at one of the top three German universities in my field, so I ended up just about average, maybe even a little below." Challenge: how to give a reasonably honest answer without looking too bad?)

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FreeDuck wrote:

I'll take a thumbs up, or a "good job" as long as it doesn't drag on more than about 5 seconds.

Oh!
That's it exactly.

It shouldn't take more than 5 or 10 seconds to express to someone "You done good"....

after that, it's like they're talking to build themselves up "look how great I am telling her how great she did." Rolling Eyes

yeah....and when you can tell it's someone who thinks you're one of "the little people" who need to be told "gee, you're great"....sheesh...

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Thomas wrote:

One thing that's helped me was to join teams where many people are a lot better than I.

Yep, good idea. That is what I love about the place I'm working at now -- there are a lot of very smart people who are better than I am in a lot of different ways, and I learn from them. And the more I learn from them the more they throw hard stuff at me, which is great.

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sozobe wrote:

Did too dent!

The theory was that it's a gender role thing.

Dangit! This means my rates are going to go up, doesn't it? Embarrassed

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Talk to me.

(I'm sitting here, scowling, in a cube surrounded by streamers and balloons. I am NOT a happy camper about this.)

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sozobe wrote:

FreeDuck wrote:
Oh, yeah, k-12 I did pretty well, not counting a short burst in middle school where I pretended I was stupid and decided to complete the entire school year writing only with my left hand (I was not left handed). I know, I know, I'm a freak. It was a "what does it mean to be a girl" time for me with no guidance.

Well there ya go, that was exactly where I was going.

I got so much **** from people (mostly other girls) for doing well in school, and it has left lasting discomfort with this general concept for me I think. For example, there was a weekly spelling test in grades 4-6. I usually did very well on the spelling test. I usually WANTED to do very well on the spelling test. I usually got the top score or the second-top score -- a boy and I usually traded the top spots. He was fine with that. It was a friendly rivalry.

But if I expressed any happiness at getting the top spot, my female friends would get pissed at me. If I hid my happiness badly, my female friends would get pissed at me. If I was unhappy ("oh crap I got the top score but now everyone will be pissed at me"), my female friends would get pissed at me. ("You got the best score, what are you unhappy about?!")

It really seemed simpler to just not do well and sidestep the whole issue, but for some reason I never really got to that point.

Anyway, I think that whole experience (not just with spelling tests but in general) contributed to some of my current unease.

This may be more of a basic childhood thing than something gender specific. I got many of the same sorts of comments from friends in school. I finished grade school a year early and high school a year early and then went to a 4-year vo-tech program which I finished in 2 years. I always had a knack for scoring well on tests and often hid the results form my peers because of how they'd react.

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You may be right, fishin'. That's one of the problems of being a girl -- you don't know how much of your experience is due to your gender and how much not. And the whole middle school "trying to figure out what it means to be a girl" thing could just as easily have been "trying to figure out what it means to be me".

If you look at kids who are stereotypically bright you see they are often isolated. The nerd factor, if you will. So a kid who doesn't necessary fit that or who has an option to pass as one of the general population might have more of an internal conflict about achievement.

ehBeth, what's up with the balloons?

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The balloons and streamers are someone's brilliant way of letting people know that I'm getting "recognized'.

Twisted Evil

Just gimme the cheque and leave me alone!

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ehBeth wrote:

The balloons and streamers are someone's brilliant way of letting people know that I'm getting "recognized'.

Just gimme the cheque and leave me alone!

wee.

http://www.engbulldogs.com/dressedup2.JPG

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ehBeth wrote:

The balloons and streamers are someone's brilliant way of letting people know that I'm getting "recognized'.

Just gimme the cheque and leave me alone!

Soon they will bring you the three foot tall crown you have to wear wherever you go, and send the email decree requiring everyone to bow down to the ground whenever they see you. Put your smile on and practice your tight fingered Queen Elizabeth wave.

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I'm definitely feeling more comfortable about it all now Confused

~~~

Ya know, I always thought it was easier for girls to be smart when they were younger than it was for boys. When I was growing up, girls were expected to be good students, studious, doin' their homework and all that. Boys weren't expected to settle down to their studies until they got to university.

While girls who did well in the sciences in high school got razzed a bit, it was nothing like what happened to boys who did well in any course. They were tormented by just about everyone.

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Well, I guess a lot depends on the region. I found it fairly easy to do well until about 6th grade at which point smart and attractive were widely believed to be antonyms. And where I grew up attractive was more highly valued than smart if you were female.

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Interesting, fishin. So you dented one part of the theory (gender-related) and strengthened another part (getting **** from peers for doing well academically in grammar school correlates with discomfort with praise later on). I think it's a wash, don't worry 'bout those rates.

Oh and ehBeth...

You ROCK!

Woo-hoo!

You go, girl!

Twisted Evil

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Re: I'm uncomfortable receiving recognition

FreeDuck wrote:

I hate it. I like doing a good job -- it's intrinsically satisfying, but I feel very uncomfortable when someone acknowledges it in any way more than a pat on the back and a "good job". Like if someone says, "FreeDuck's the only one who can figure this out" and then I do and there's a sort of "see, our hero does it again" after that, I just don't know how to act. And I get embarrassed and slink back to my cube. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it just makes me really uncomfortable.

And don't even get me started about cases where they heap praise on you for something you were hardly even a part of.

Anybody know what to do about this?

Learn to accept compliments - and criticisms - when they are offered from a reliable source. To do otherwise is, in a sense, an affront to the source. It is very likely that at various times you have deserved both. Moreover, I believe that the acceptance of both compliments and criticism are related -- the (understandable) human impulses that lead you to reject one will also act on the other. That's not good.

Undeserved praise or complimnents can usually be easily redirected to those who deserve them without either screwing up your own mind or offending the source.

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I'm uncomfortable receiving recognition

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