Seriously, though, your dipstick does have oil on it, right? And have you checked the coolant overflow reservoir at this point?
When you check the dipstick, does the oil look normal (e.g., it's not foamy)?
If you're engine has run too hot for too long, you might have cracked the head or the block. I've done this with an old Datsun four-banger. Had to replace the head -- had a friend magnaflux (right work?) the head, found a great trade for the part, and did my own work -- otherwise it could have been very expensive.
