55
   

THE BRITISH THREAD II

 
 
spendius
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 03:52 am
@McTag,
Yes Mac--discipline is necessary even in pubs. And it's quite a fragile thing. Deferred gratification is a Christian concept unknown in the world of evolution.

Did you see the report last night from OFSTED that hundreds of thousands of kids have been put on "special needs" status in order to hide the inadequacy of the teaching. That's institutionalised child abuse. It must have a strange effect on kids, possibly lasting a lifetime, to have been given "special needs" status all through their adolesence. About 700,000 I gather.

And the Grauniad's publicising of the Real IRA's Marxist propaganda is causing some head scratching.
smorgs
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 05:05 am
No, the floss didn't work - it's worse now.

x
spendius
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 06:58 am
@smorgs,
Cheapskate solutions rarely do.
dadpad
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 07:12 am
@smorgs,
Try gladwrap/cling wrap as a temporary fix until you get the teflon tape and two spanners. Not sure if it will work but worth a try.
Wrap the cling wrap around the male thread cut any excess off so it doesnt block the pipe and screw togethr.
0 Replies
 
smorgs
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 08:20 am
@spendius,
Suspendi! It wasn't 'CHEAPSKATE' it was 'thinking outside the box'.

If you've got nothing better to do, then buy me some, post it, and I'll refund you the money - plus 50p for going to the shop.

It's alright for you retired folk...

x
spendius
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 09:57 am
@smorgs,
I'm not retired.

Only this very morning I drove many miles over misty moorlands in a truck fitted with a driver's side wing-mirror which some chump had re-designed in Cracked Modern to give the impression of being overtaken by 15 vehicles, on the straight bits, to deliver a truck load of expensive rubbis which a gentleman, who favours the strategy of doing what his wife instructs him to do was deploying in the next few days to tart up the rear of his house in such a way as to reflect the majesty of Her Divinity to maximum advantage considering all the circumstances. It was one of those journeys on which it was quite tiresome not to be able to settle on one of the four windscreen wiper settings available today thanks to our Christian system of operations on behalf of the fair sex. With a horse and cart along rough pathways I would have been at it for two weeks.

The idea was to provide a system of operation to save all but the four hours I took of the 336 hours of the two weeks of my Old Joseph style predecessor would have taken at the time lovely Emily was chewing her pencil end thinking up how to raise daftness to the highest power, --the idea was, as I was saying, to free more time in order to make love to that divine creature which has driven many an artist clean out of his wits.

Which, I suppose means, on meditating the matter mournfully, that the tarting up of the rear garden is by way of foreplay. I'm a ******* pimp. I've sold out. I should, as a man of principle, have jumped down from the cab and after shaking hands, he was a bloody handshaker on top, rendering my sympathy reduction switch operative, explained to him the utter foolishness of his foreplay technique.

But Art comes first. And Andy said that Money is the only art left. And I believe him. So I didn't explain, Art trumping compassion as it does, and, in fact, encouraged him and even expressed a degree of admiration as he discoursed upon his plans and remarked that his garden was a sun-trap and that his wife would be able to sunbathe on the patio when they had been brought to fruition. And he didn't even grin sheepishly which suggests to me that he is unaware of being under the cosh.

Is my type spacing after punctuation marks to your satisfaction now smorgsie? It was you who gave me a little lesson in that respect. Am I making the sort of progress you approve of? Even I will admit that I approve of the results of your little lesson, graciously delivered as it was. Are there any other little lessons that you might think would improve my literary skills or general all-round dexterity?

In return, as a mark of gratitude, might I suggest something you may not have tried before.

If you are stuck with a word you don't think quite right go to Google and type the word plus thesaurus and a range of choices is displayed almost as soon as you click search. I chose "dexterity" there from a range of options after considerable deliberation.

x
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:00 am
@smorgs,
Quote:
Suspendi! It wasn't 'CHEAPSKATE' it was 'thinking outside the box'.


Come on sweetie!! It was as cheapskate as cheapskate gets. And has turned out to be so. It's as old as old gets in human terms. Wrap a fabric round it. That comes from before records began.
spendius
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:04 am
@spendius,
And you were addressed as one might a Girl Guide lost in a snowstorm.
0 Replies
 
smorgs
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:23 am
Yes, I remember the spacing tips I gave you...

Here are some more tips for your consideration:

* If a bra gives you the appearance of having 4 tits - buy one with a bigger cup size.

* If extreme circumstances force you to wear the same knickers two days on the trot - don't sit on a radiator. I know someone who used to do that - office stank of kipper.

* Don't go outside and you'll never get run over - I sent that one to VIZ.

* Don't fix the shower with dental floss - it doesn't work.

* Never try to out-run a cat - they can reach speeds of 30+ mph.

* Mushrooms don't shrink if you add a little water when pan frying .

* Don't go into DFS and ask (in a fevered, out of breath voice) "Is the sale still on?" - they don't think it's funny.

x





0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:43 am

Did Viz publish it?

We could be writing in company of a published author here, and never known.
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:49 am
@spendius,

Quote:
Did you see the report last night from OFSTED that hundreds of thousands of kids have been put on "special needs" status in order to hide the inadequacy of the teaching.


Yers I did. Isn't that strange. I believe there is more to it, something to do with more SN kids, more educational grant available. But it's a cockeyed and damaging method to achieve any end, even getting more money.
The whole business of "targets" has bedevilled the last ten years of politics here...I'm reading Chris Mullin's Diaries and he has a lot to say about that.
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:53 am
@smorgs,
Quote:
No, the floss didn't work - it's worse now.


No surprise there. Dental floss is designed to be very tough. Teflon tape is designed to be very soft.

Think of sandpaper and Andrex. They're not interchangeable.
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:54 am
@McTag,
but, they are both white...
0 Replies
 
smorgs
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 10:59 am
Thing of sandpaper and Andrex

he he

There not both white!

Sandpaper is orangeyish and bum fodder comes in a multitude of hues.

x
smorgs
 
  3  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 11:02 am
AND SPENDACIOUS...

I know how to use google and a theasaurus, THANK YOU!

I've been educated by nuns I'll have you know.

You're proper pompous sometimes.

(but I still would)

x

0 Replies
 
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 11:05 am
@smorgs,
alas, sandpaper comes in a multitude of hues as well.

floss and teflon tape are both white. I was trying to support your attempt at plumbing, eh...
smorgs
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 11:05 am
I'm on here - therefore, I am published.

Not in VIZ (as yet, only just sent it).

x
0 Replies
 
smorgs
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 11:07 am
@Rockhead,
Rockhead, if there's one thing I have learned on here is that teflon tape also comes in a variety of colours.

But thanks for the support. x
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 11:09 am
@smorgs,
yeah, I don't get that much, but it's ok. mine's white and lives in the shop.

you should get some, even if it's pink...

toodles.
0 Replies
 
smorgs
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2010 11:14 am
I'm feeling under pressure here, might put my bra back on and nip to B & Q, or Wicks (other DIY stores are available).

I really have to sort it out...

Sellotape didn't work either.

x
0 Replies
 
 

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