THE BRITISH THREAD II

VIZ MAGAZINE TOP TIPS...

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing
in the first place, you fat bastards.

4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a
fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box.
The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off
smoking Any of them.

5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts
and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y

12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving
fully refreshed and on time.

14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight
to your intended destination in the first place.

17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Liverpool fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to
all, as to your allegiance.

21. Liverpool fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

22. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.

23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not
know any difference.

24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Did you copy all that out? You sad bastard. No, you must've had an electronic version.

Good tips- I'm not sure though, that the frozen peas one would work.

Instead of putting on your bra and nipping to B & Q, you could try using your bra to fix the leak.

Me no sad bastard, me cut and paste.

Bugger off! Even I know me bra won't fix the shower, it's a peep-hole.

Silly.

x

I bet she daren't use ZIT examples. VIZ is for middle-ranking Civil Servants who like going native decorously.

Unfortunately ZIT ceased publication a few years ago under mysterious circumstances. A bit like Benny Hill did. And Footballer's Wives. And they won't be repeating Blackeyes.

I am sooo stealing this...

Is that an advance on American humour?

It was smorgsie's version of Uncle Toby's (Captain Shandy) whistling Lillibullero when ever he wished to pretend he hadn't heard the last argument.

Regular readers of Viz comic have an extensive archive of helpful tips at their service.

Boring Arsenal only scored six tonight.

That's true...

Morning peeps! Am I always the first one up?

x

I'm just nodding off...

keep it down, couldja?

We don't all have laptops to take to bed with us. I don't turn on my PC until I've done the chores...Breakfast TV, Eamonn Holmes on Sky, and Adrian and Christine.

The meeja has gone mad for His Holiness, and honestly I hope the visit goes well, with no further controversy. To spoil the visit, be it pastoral or a state visit, would be a big shame. We need to show hospitality and inclusiveness.

ROCKHEAD!

(that's me bellowing).

x

I was at the kitchen table, Muckty, NOT in bed!

I was down pit by 7.45 - which is a bit late for me, as I decided to apply eyeliner today, and I had to get the slanty bit at the end right, mascara on upper lashes and bright red lipstick (MAC - that's a brand, not McT). I'm on my lunch now, nipped home to let pussy in, no bread for a butty, so I'm going back to work.

Not bad for someone who lives in a "third world country".

Apart from the no bread bit.

laters.

x

How is everyone?

I just signed a contract to work in Hong Kong for a year. AH.

What doing?

Hey PQ, I've got a cousin (my cousin's daughter, actually) who is resident in Honkers, has been teaching there for years. She's a friendly sort.
If you want an introduction, please indicate.

The Jocks went mad for the old chap. The warmth and friendliness was palpable. Well, they were Scottish after all.
Scottish Kafflix.

It was Scottish (and Irish) monks who took Christianity to Germany at the end of the Dark Ages, you know.
The Pope owes us.

Congratulations!

x

Marvellous. Magical. Mystical. Mysterious. Musical. Memorable. Magnificent.

And most moving.

Yes McTag! Thank you that would be great.

Thanks for the congrats guys. Spends I'll be teaching english over there.