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Wed 25 Jun, 2003 09:05 pm
We were seated at a small table across from the bar, a few other tables placed far enough apart to make eavesdropping difficult, which was disappointing as I could see a wonderfully interesting looking woman directly across from me. Her eyes were slightly slanted and very dark brown; her face was heart shaped, a lovely cafe au lait color. Heavy, thick black hair was a glowing contrast to the delicacy of her face.
When another woman joined her at the table, she didn't smile but looked relieved. They talked quietly for the next thirty minutes, with an understanding seriousness, like sisters. In my usual attempt to place people, to divine their purpose, I couldn't place their facial expressions with any concrete emotion. Their conversation didn't seem to contain any grief, no urgency, just a certain gravity.
As they were leaving, the woman came back to the table, a look of uncertainty on her face, as if she had left something behind but could no longer remember what it was. She slowly walked away, leaving a shimmering remnant of her spirit at the empty table.
What had she forgotten? A dream? The beginning of a smile? An unfulfilled desire? The courage to make a change?
When four young people took seats at the table, the shimmer vanished, replaced with young, exuberant voices and a youthful expectancy. Uncertainty and longing were wiped away with the waiter's soiled cloth, leaving me with her memory and the tug of an unfulfilled need.
This is a winsome piece, Diane. And I can just
feel you being drawn into an intense emotion... caught between curiousity and guessing.
.
I am no great writer- but I like shorter, PUNCHING sentence lines, when reading something that begins to consume my attention!
example:
We were seated at a small table across from the bar. Several tables were placed just far enough apart, that I could not eavesdrop. I was disappointed! Because a wonderfully interesting woman was seated directly across from me.
...
Another woman joined her at the table. She didn't smile- she looked
relieved. I am becoming more engrossed...
(hope you don't mind suggestions. I am trying to comply with the directions of the forum.
)
I love to read you. j
Hi Diane!
This is an enjoyable idea, it just needs some touch ups. I will point out what I see, mostly just tightening up some sentances to keep your flow going!
"We were seated at a small table across from the bar. Several tables were placed just far enough apart, that I could not eavesdrop. I was disappointed! Because a wonderfully interesting woman was seated directly across from me."
This is a run on sentance, you are trying to cram a host of ideas into one long sentance. Decide if you first want to establish where you are, how you enjoy eavesdropping, or the woman's appearance, then write each concept in its own sentance.
"When another woman joined her at the table, she didn't smile but looked relieved"
Which woman looked relieved? I assume its the first woman, but you are unclear.
"In my usual attempt to place people, to divine their purpose, I couldn't place their facial expressions with any concrete emotion."
Is it usual for you to be unable to place the people you watch or do you mean that this is an exception? Again you are putting too much info in one sentance. For example, this could be written: "In my usual attempts to place people, to devine their purposes, I watch their faces. In this case, I couldn't place facial expressions with any concrete emotion."
I really like how you wrapped it up in the end, contrasting the women with the youngsters. You described the woman's effect on the narrator very well. Thanks for the read!
Hi, Di,
Your description of the dark-haired woman caught my attention immediately. I love cameos and vignettes of real people. Now I find myself wondering exactly what these two had in common, and why the atmosphere was one of gravity.
Very simple, Diane, and yet very moving.
Carriephonic and Jackie, thanks to both of you for your suggestions. The run on sentences and putting too much information in my sentences are almost chronic problems for me. That happens to be the way I talk, too fast and too much!!
I appreciate the critiques, they provide a more objective perspective than I can manage. Constructive criticism is alwys useful. I think Vaclev Havel said something about it being an obligation to critique another's work if you really want to be useful.
Letty, as usual, you caught what drew me to this woman. Small, everyday scenes are what I tend to do best.
Hey Diane!
I have a problem with big gigantic run on sentances and using too many lovely and wonderful descriptives all the time so that is why I really noticed your run on's know what I mean? :wink:
This may sound crazy, but I differ with the critique of the run-on sentences. A semi-colon after bar would make the first sentence grammatically correct (I think).
I feel that sentence length is a form of style, chosen well for certain moods. Shorter, choppier sentences do well when the mood the writer is trying to convey merits breaking the flow of thought.
Diane's 'romantic, wistful' treatment of this simple vignette seems flowy or dreamy to me, and the longer, sustained 'painting' of each sentence belongs, IMO.
I usually write my first draft with no thought to word usage, and come back and clean up repetitive, or boring words. The only thing that seemed needful of change, to me, was certain and uncertain. For the length, these showed up too often.
It was very nice, Diane. I wish you'd think about following it further, or expanding it.
Carrie, yes, I do know what you mean. LOL I sometimes write just the way I talk--to much!
Sofia, I just noticed 'certain' and 'uncertain' being overused. Thank for the tip. I haven't had much time to write lately and this was a first draft. I do plan to clean it up when time permits.
Thanks to all for the suggestions. This kind of constructive criticism is always useful and appreciated.
"
Quote:What had she forgotten? A dream? The beginning of a smile? An unfulfilled desire? The courage to make a change?"
a vision of risk, an unknown. a door slightly ajar with light coming under the bottom edge. but whats on the other side? is it familiar? will i be safe? have i been safe?
Dys, you got it. And the narrator is the one who has captured and identified those questions--and the uncertainty they convey.
Is the snake curled up under the door stop for warmth and sun? What kind of scent does he leave behind? Enough to trigger an atavistic fear?
Hi sumac. I'm not sure what you mean by your post. This story wasn't about fear, just wondering and curiosity and implications.
I am happy with the piece's long sentences that have multiple points being conveyed at once. I really prefer those sorts of sentences to choppy, or to be more exact, I like some kind of mix of sentence types.
I could find, if I tried hard, a few places where you could fine tune, Diane, but I understood and was taken into, and by, the mood of the woman doing the observing.
@Diane,
Hey Diane, have you done any more writing lately?
@Butrflynet,
Okay, you've done it. I am thinking of starting to write poetry again, sometime, if others join me.
@Diane,
Will you recite it to me and Sally Dog while we're at the dog park? If you do, I'll get Dolly and Madison to sing to you.
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