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Random Story I wrote

 
 
Jakal
 
Reply Wed 4 Oct, 2006 05:10 am
hey people I'm new here but I would like to get into writing and was wondering if you could look over soemthing I have just written and see what you think.

Thanks

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The corridor was dimly lit as Caijy stopped outside Apartment 12. A cruel smile formed on his face as he thought of what was about to come as he gently knocked on the door and waited patiently.
?'I'm coming' a voice sounded from within the apartment and a noise could be heard as the occupant made his way to the door opening it slightly ?'What do you want?'
?'You' Caijy snarled, punching his hand through the door as the elderly man tried to close it, grabbing his neck and closing his hand around the throat, ripping it out in a shower of blood before turning and walking away, leaving the body of the old man where it fell.
?'Apartment 12 clear' he stated over the cell phone he had been given to remain in contact with the other brothers in the building with him.
?'Excellent brother I've just finished apartment 45' replied one of the others.
?'Keep it up and we'll be gone before we have any trouble'
Caijy made his way up the stairs at the end of the corridor reaching the next landing before hearing voices and laughing from the corridor off to his left which he turned into and approached.
?'Excuse me sir you couldn't help me could you?' he asked the couple who were obviously rather engaged with each other.
?'I would' the bloke replied rather angrily ?'but can't you see I'm a bit busy here.'
?'It wouldn't hurt to be a bit kinder, would it?' Caijy retorted making sure his voice sounded a little more annoyed.
?'Listen mate' the bloke threatened, turning to face Caijy and pulling out a small knife ?'it would probably be better if you get lost before something nasty happens. Know what I mean?'
?'Yes' Caijy snarled drawing a pistol and shooting the startled guy through the head. His girlfriend turned to run but was grabbed by Caijy who lifted her off her feet and threw her, still screaming into the wall. Her body hit it with a sickening crunch and her screaming ceased immediately as she slumped to the floor blood already dripping from her mouth.
?'Stupid humans' Caijy laughed sheathing his gun and heading towards the next room.
This continued with Caijy and his three brothers clearing out each apartment one after another leaving a trail of blood and death behind them and none of the apartments two hundred or so residents alive.
?'Task complete' Caijy radioed to his three brothers ?'I'm contacting father to let him know of our success '
Caijy dialled in the number for his father and silently made a prayer to the blood god for his fathers blessing. ?'Father we have not failed you, the apartments are as empty as your heart.'
?'Good my child' the sinister voice of his father replied ?'You and your brothers have done well. You will be rewarded.'
?'Thank you father' Caijy mumbled kneeling down to receive the blessing he and his brothers were promised. The apartments shock as the four brothers all knelt and leant back fire erupting from their chest and new strength flowing into all of them. After five seconds the fires disappeared and the four brothers collapsed panting to the ground before slowly rising to fully admire their new powers. They now felt and were both stronger and faster and a new tattoo in the shape of the ancient tones fire symbol had appeared on their shoulders.
?'Congratulations brothers' Caijy laughed ?'we should now leave this building and return to the crypt'.
They met by the entrance and were ready to leave the building when an explosive with some obvious power blew the front doors down. The brothers were thrown to the floor and didn't have time to react before a fully armed SWAT team burst in spreading out to surround the four brothers.
?'Get down and put your hand where we can see them' the chief yelled fiercely shoving the nozzle of his pistol into the back of Caijy's neck ?'we don't want any more bloodshed, I want you bastards alive'
?'Unlucky you' Caijy retorted quickly spinning his legs around tripping up the police chief and jumping to his feet before the rest could react.
The building erupted as the SWAT fired blindy at, where a moment before the four brothers had been. This confusion was all the brothers needed and they set into the SWAT team one brother emptying his pistol into the three SWAT officers who had surrounded him killing them instantly while the others hacked and slashed their way through the rest.
It took no time at all for the brothers to make their way through the entire team and they were soon the only ones left in the lobby of the apartment, surrounded by a pool of blood and a dozen dead SWAT bodies.
?'Sorry about the bloodshed' Caijy spat at the chief as he sheathed his knife again turning to his brother as a bullet smashed through the window smashing open the throat of one of his brothers wounding him beyond even their healing powers.
?'Goodbye brothers' he managed to splutter as he fell laughing feebly ?'See you in hell'
?'Goodbye brother' Caijy snarled kneeling down and closing his eyes only to have another bullet rip through the window again but this time luckily hitting his shoulder.
He yelled in rage before drawing both his pistols and using his heightened senses, shooting the assailant who fell some five floors from a window across the street before landing with a crash in a open wheelie bin.
The brothers together healed the wound Caijy had suffered flinching in unison as the bullet was forced out of the wound and it was closed up.
?'Thank you brothers' Caijy said as the healing ended ?'Let us now leave this pitiful world and return home'
?'Agreed' the two remaining brothers replied opening the door to the building and stepping out into the street.
Outside however things were in even more chaos nearly fifteen police cars had formed a barrier around the front with a further thirty or so policeman aiming guns at them from the relative safety of behind the cars.
?'Oh for the Blood Gods sake' One brother laughed obviously mocking the popular human statement.' Do these guys ever give up?'
?'Not when ******* psychopaths like you are…….' was as far as a police officer got before receiving a bullet to the neck killing him instantly.
All hell erupted as the three brothers came under fire from the thirty or so policeman ripping apart one more before the two remaining bothers managed to retreat inside the building and take cover.
The brothers were trapped, the back entrance was obviously being covered and by the sound of it already being stormed as there was obvious shouting coming form the rear of the building as the police made their way through the apartments clearing each with a flash bang.
It didn't take them long to reach the two brothers and as the door to the reception area burst open revealing a further SWAT team the brothers again opened fire taking down three before a number of flash bangs came through the door. The brothers didn't re act in time and were both stunned by the combined blast of about five grenades.
The SWAT again surrounded them as the two brothers tried in vain to come to their senses.
?'We taking them in alive or dead, Sir?' One of the officers asked.
?'Hmmmm controls says their to dangerous alive, finish them'
?'Yes Sir' the officer replied pulling the gun up ready to fire at Caijy who snarled and tried even harder to get up before giving up and preparing to meet his other deceased brothers in Hell.
?'Bye scum' the officer laughed as he started to pull the trigger.
The building erupted with fire, Caijy, feeling blood splatter across the back of his head and realising that he felt no pain closed his eyes and prepared to accept death only to be grabbed by his back and thrown over the shoulder, of to his relief, one of his brothers.
?'Father sent us and just in time by the looks of it' the masked face laughed ?'our ride should be here right about now'.
There was screeching coming form outside and a two or three large crashes as the blockade was broken big style by the arrival of three large black trucks which crashed through the cars before releasing a large number of brothers form the back of them. The police stood no chance and before long they all lay dead without the loss of another brother.
?'Thank the Father' Caijy stated, his brothers loading him into one of the vans before he gave up trying to remain conscious and collapsed with exhaustion.

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Well there it is I hope you liked it and am wondering what you think as to trying to get it into a book size rather than just this short story.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 570 • Replies: 3
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LEENA
 
  1  
Reply Fri 6 Oct, 2006 01:23 pm
It's pretty good; the general idea of the nature of the events and characters is communicated well, but what are you building up upon?
I couldn't get the underlying meaning........why are the brothers doing all the killing, is it awfully necessary to kill to get those powers, and what will those powers give them when in the end they have to go to Hell? Smile

Plus, you told too little about the Father and what was he gonna get by making the deal of dead bodies for the powers??

Hope it helps......reply to these questions. Maybe then I'll understand your style even better.

But I have to say it sustained my interest, which in itself is 'interesting'. :wink:

LEENA
0 Replies
 
MC 3xecution
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Oct, 2006 09:05 am
lol
A man meets a girl in a bar and asks do u wanna play magic
the girl replys ' what kind of magic? '
The man says we go back to my place and **** then you dissapear..
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LEENA
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Oct, 2006 11:23 am
MC 3xecution says:
Quote:


A man meets a girl in a bar and asks do u wanna play magic
the girl replys ' what kind of magic? '
The man says we go back to my place and **** then you dissapear.


What does that have to do with the story?
0 Replies
 
 

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