My Poem that need proofread. So much thankful

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I wrote that about 1 or 2 years ago, at the age of 17. As now im applying to US colleges and wanna get my literary works as writing samples, i extremely need ur review and advice. Help me if u can Smile

Ditty of the Age
Folded back Eleventh
She counted her Thirteenth
Stunned when detected a lack
But, temporarily forgot her spiritual doubt
She continued to count.

Fifteenth was scattered,
Twelfth and Fourteenth: Lost!
Sixteenth hesitated
Counting all her ages
Up to Seventeenth,
She poured them into a bag
And stored them herein.

With time, they were choked, then dead
She cited a croon to inhume her Ages
In sorrow, in pain she waited for an incarnation
The immortal circle of transmigration.

Nocturnal Query
Here the Sphere sheer gleamed in Dim
Murmured breezes that blew in Whim
Mortal eyes enshrouded in Dark
As rapt as ephemerae in dazzling Gust.

Night seemed smooth, oh eyes seemed smooth
Ambience halcyon, nocturne lenient, but mind in brood
This Globe, terrestrial or celestial
Is it earthy, or universal?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 1,587 • Replies: 20

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sending feedback

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FIND A NEW MAJOR!

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I think you'll be fine with those Mina. It's not at all bad for something you wrote at seventeen!

Laughing

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I agree with Casino Joe. Not quite TS Eliot, but not bad for 17.

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Re: sending feedback

siggyfreud wrote:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FIND A NEW MAJOR!

Let's see you write something then, since you seem to be a scholar of poetry.

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Re: sending feedback

siggyfreud wrote:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FIND A NEW MAJOR!

Ah C'mon...Siggyfreud (jeez, that name bothers me)
If its true you teach high school
I think you should find a new job

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Re: sending feedback

ENDYMION wrote:

siggyfreud wrote:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FIND A NEW MAJOR!

Ah C'mon...Siggyfreud (jeez, that name bothers me)
If its true you teach high school
I think you should find a new job

I'm positive that it is not true.

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Sorry, but after reading Siggyfreud's comments on RD's threat, I've no sympathy at all.

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Uhm, seems that i've done something offensive. So sorry, as im a Vietnamese who never ever had a chance to go outside her hometown, let alone to enter that big world. English is definitely not my 1st language. I just write for passion, oh, not really passion, but inspiration catching on me somewhere on the way. I do not intend to be a bard or something like that, just, to provide a writing sample to back me up in my College Application. Smile

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Don't be discouraged Mini.

It's only one negative comment after all.

Cool

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I don't know much about poetry mini but it sounds pretty good to me. I certainly could not have written anything like that at 17.

x

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Me neither. I couldn't write something like that now. I thing you're talented- gifted even-and if you send samples such as this and your story-"The Good Boy", you'll have no trouble getting accepted to a writing program in a US college (they'll probably even let you skip Freshman comp).

*Endy - I bet Siggy was being sarcastic.

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it shud sound like im haughty to say thanks to ur comment, but even haughtier if i pretend something like unassumming. Ur reviews have supported my valor in submitting those stuffs, im so nervous at the Admission Officers' reaction to a non-native speaker who dare to bother them with literary works. playing with words is always extremely dangerous Twisted Evil

very soon i will try to post the rest of my stuffs, if u find time and pleasure, plz give them some heed. there's a teenager looking for ur guidance in her way. Smile

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Good luck, mini! Persevere!

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minanami wrote:

it shud sound like im haughty to say thanks to ur comment, but even haughtier if i pretend something like unassumming. Ur reviews have supported my valor in submitting those stuffs, im so nervous at the Admission Officers' reaction to a non-native speaker who dare to bother them with literary works. playing with words is always extremely dangerous

very soon i will try to post the rest of my stuffs, if u find time and pleasure, plz give them some heed. there's a teenager looking for ur guidance in her way.

You know Minanami I am also an Asian who was planning for American college...hehe I understand...you are very valorous... I never dare to bother them with literature (Though I will take SAT literature test).....No I cannot write that yet in English...I love poem-writting and poem-reading and a poetic way of thinking and living but you know I am far from doing it well in English.....Yes that second poster of the thread is simply without enough wisdom though se probably wrote great poems when se was 17 years old in Vietnamese......

hehe, good luck Smile

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RESPONSE TO ALL OF YOU
How did you write that poetry when your English does seem to be limited?
That's the reason for my initial comment, which no one seemed to have the acumen to understand.

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My only slightly negative comment is that - at least on a2k - avoid the text message type language. It is okay, of course, but not very interesting to people who are interested in the sounds, rhythms, meanings, metaphors of words here.

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On the poems, I like the first much more than the second. I see the second as very stylized, not so interesting to me personally - but as others said, not bad for seventeen. On the other hand, you were trying to make it stylized. I'll look at it again.

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Re: RESPONSE TO ALL OF YOU

siggyfreud wrote:

How did you write that poetry when your English does seem to be limited?
That's the reason for my initial comment, which no one seemed to have the acumen to understand.

Then, mobilize your acumen to tell us what you think is the better way to unlimit our English?

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I am not clear if Siggy pounced on text messaging language, or the language in the poems.

If re the poems, well, hey that's a point of view. Not all of us agree with it.

He or she seem to distrust that one person could write both. I have no trouble with the idea that one person could write in both modes.

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My Poem that need proofread. So much thankful

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