Barbra Streisand is a multi-talented, great-legged, NY-Jewish psychoanalist. Bruce Willis is her patient. He has a recurring nightmare: while he's trying to make love with the Morgan Fairchild of "Falcon Crest", Michael Moore appears filming them with his camera and saying something about "bowling with the bitch's head", suddenly Arnold Swarzenegger appears, in futuristic gear and armed to his teeth, and arrests him "for the future murder of Jordan Roberts".
Streisand asks Willis, with a song about "the inner child's dreams" to recall his boyhood. An image appears: his father (Heston) was carrying a gun with his left hand and a bible with his right hand and beat his mother (Sarandon) all the time. Sarandon gave the other cheek, and Heston slapped her all the same. Another image: little boy Willis catches Mom Sarandon going to bed with Martin Sheen, while Dad Heston is away selling appliances (this part is, BOC, set on the fifties) and imagines -only imagines- Heston's bloody revenge. Willis stands up from the couch, covered with tears, and embraces Streisand. She sings "Freud tears". They both realize suddenly that they're in love.
But there's a problem. Streisand is married to Tim Robbins, a veteran relief pitcher for the Mets. The day she's about to tell him about her affair with Willis, Robbins is stabbed with a hunter's knife by crazed Yankee fan Ted Nugent. Streisand accompanies Robbins in the ambulance, singing "Don't bleed so much for me". The ambulance driver, Willis, realizes that tragedy has set him apart from Streisand. At the e.r. door they embrace for the last time.
Sean Penn is in charge of the e.r. facility (we could change that for Goerge Clooney, would be more fun), and does everything to save Robbins' life. When he succeds, Barbra starts singing another song. In that moment, a desperate Charlie Daniels appears and -with country music background- shoots both Penn/Clooney and Streisand to death.
The camera rolls back, and we see Michael Moore filming all the stuff.
max -- how wicked of you to notice!
fbaezer -- what's the title of your flick? "Balling for Columbia?"
I had thought on "Bowling for Barbra"
Or move the setting to China and call it "Bowling for Concubines."
