You're the Screenwriter!

Reply Tue 22 Apr, 2003 06:41 pm
Here's a list of 12 celebrities, and it's your job to write a screenplay. What would the movie be about? What role would each "star" play?

Charlton Heston
Bruce Willis
Morgan Fairchild
Charlie Daniels
Ted Nugent
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Barbara Streisand
Tim Robbins
Susan Sarandon
Sean Penn
Martin Sheen
Michael Moore
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Reply Tue 22 Apr, 2003 11:41 pm
Movie title: QVC, the Movie
A humorous look at life behind the scenes at a cable tv shopping channel starring:

Charlton Heston - selling his line of stone tablets with bible sayings etched on them

Bruce Willis - promoting his new book entitled "10 Easy Ways to Moonlight as a Diehard Battery Recharger"

Morgan Fairchild - back for a repeat showing of her "Point of Seduction Nail Tips" and morganite gemstone jewelry

Charlie Daniels - Gives a Live performance of his hit "Hollywood Heros" from his Soapbox Derby CD.

Ted Nugent - selling his new DVD entitled "God, Guns and Rock n Roll, the Ted Nugent Story" personally autographed with bullet holes for the first 100 buyers

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Promoting his new exercise and diet plan "The Gluteus Maximus Terminator" volumes 1 through 4

Barbara Streisand - Kicking off the launch of her new CD featuring duets with Bill Clinton and Al Gore, and a remix of "The Way We Were"

Tim Robbins - Cancelled due to previously having sold products on a competing channel. The producers can't take the chance that he might take advantage of the opportunity to mention that other channel's name on air.

Susan Sarandon - Today's Special Value - a boxed set of her latest videos "The Iraqi Horror Picture Show" and "The Bitches of East Hollywood"

Sean Penn - previewing his new book "I'm Not Jane Fonda!"

Martin Sheen - Back for another promotion of "An Annotated Virtual Tour of the White House"

Michael Moore - Subscribers to "Michael Moore's Celebrity Chat Network!" get free tickets to his "Bowling With Concubines" show.
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Reply Tue 22 Apr, 2003 11:46 pm
Looks like a great opportunity for a remake of 12 Angry (Wo)Men, and it also looks like a hung jury....
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Violet Lake
Reply Wed 23 Apr, 2003 04:41 am
Very funny, btrflynet, thanks Laughing
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 08:43 am
Well I must admit that Arnold did a really good job of being a kindergarten teacher in Kindergarden Cop, so I'll keep him in the
role of the kindergarten teacher, and Charlton Heston (the USA's masthead of the right to bear arms & every home should have an
arsenal) will be the bad guy. Susan Sarandon will be the new age
nun who is trying to save Charlton Heston's soul before it's too late
(he IS getting long in the tooth) Charlton does terrorize the poor
students at the Glock Elementary School. (This is Arnold's school)
with his yearly lecture on the right to bear arms; not to mention the
after school special, where he introduces the kids to all manner of firearms, knives & all sorts of weapons. He also sells, rents, & offers
to give lessons in sharpshooting and teaches them how to safely use
a gun etc etc. Bruce Willis is a 1st grade teacher, who is a friend of Arnold's and together they plot to get rid of Heston since he is obviously
a boil on the butt of humanity. Barbra Streisand is the principal of Glock Elementary School, and her long standing affair with Charlton is the only
reason he gets this opportunity to reach out to kids at their youngest
and most impressionable age. Barbra is married to Martin Sheen, but being the womanizer and misogynist that he is ( or is it Charlie???) anyway - he never even notices Barbra & Heston's affair; as he is far
too busy with all of his own. Sean Penn is a kid who should be in middle school by now, but he is such an awful student & a brat, he had to repeat every grade 3 or 4 times. Tim Robbins is secretly in love with Arnold,
but is afraid to tell him about it because - let's face it - Arnold could crush his neck with one hand! Tim is the Glock Elementary School's guidance
counselor. He is secretly very attracted to Arnold, he believes that
Arnold is trying to save these poor kids who are already troubled & traumatized by the yearly lecture that Heston imposes upon them, not
to mention their real fear of the students who DO buy guns from &
receive lessons from Heston. Michael Moore and Ted Nugent are 2
very active members of the Glock Elementary School PTA and they
naturally are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Nugent is ARDENTLY in favor of Heston's yearly event, whereas Moore is direly opposed & wants to have Charlie Daniels come to entertain the youngsters - since it is far more American than guns are. Heston, naturally thinks that guns & the right to bear arms IS the most American you can get. Morgan Fairchild
is the young new local district attorney who is being hard pressed to
make some kind of decision about bringing charges against the Heston side of the issue - to thereby manage to force Heston to cease with these
yearly fiascos. Being as young as she is, poor Morgan still has her
images mixed up. Heston used to play in all those old religious movies where he plays the part of Moses & numerous other biblical figures
so it's an extremely hard decision for her to see Heston as anything other than the God like figure she has in her memory bank. Mom & Dad should never have made Morgan sit through all those boring old religious movies when they are re-run every single year at certain religious holidays, dependable as clockwork. But then, parents RARELY ever realize the screw ups they have caused & the disturbed children they have made
until the kids are adults and they begin to see the error of their old ways. Somehow, during the process of seeing one's kids grow up, parents seem to think that their kids will miraculously turn out to be like their moms
and dads want them to be, rather than simply being the same apple that fell off the same old apple tree. Kids are fairly easy to figure out - as Arnold and Bruce fully understand - it is a case of "monkey see, monkey do." Kid grows up seeing mom & dad with a beer can in their hand all
day long, & sees all the visits from the police in the wee hours of the
night due to mom & dads little arguments, they alarm every single cat
and dog in the town and awaken every neighbor within a mile wide
radius. Morgan is torn. Bruce and Arnold are after her every single
year over the Heston Gun Day, but what is she to do?? Mom and Dad
had guns in their house & one time her brother almost shot his foot off playing around with the darned thing ... and it IS in the constitution,
after all. She is afraid that if she makes a scene over this - it will just be overturned in a higher court and she will look like a fool - just like dear
old dad - when he convicted a woman who had an abortion; he got his reputation ridiculed ever after, as it hit the higher courts and was soundly turned around. So, in our drama - as in many or even most dramas - there is lots of drama but zero solution.....it just goes on and on and on and on ad nauseum. Kind of like our criminal justice system here in the USA. We spend more money on keeping one single criminal locked
up in prison for one year, than many folks have money available to house, clothe, feed & get medical care for their families. How England
can have so little crime when their policemen do not even carry guns is
a mystery to the USA. One would think that we would learn from past experience. If the system isn't working - change it! But Morgan - just like dear old dad - makes a good part of her exorbitant living via bribes and all manner of corruption. Arnold and Bruce are getting so very
fixated on this issue that they are secretly plotting a way for Heston to
die before nature takes him AND with his own particular brand of violence
- with a gun! THE END.
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Violet Lake
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 08:56 am
Laughing Babs! Very funny and imaginative, and I like the "message" Smile

Yours and Butrflynet's stories will be hard to top.
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 08:57 am
does anyone know what is wrong with my type - why does it
come out looking totally different than the way I entered it??
It does it sometimes and not others. Drives me NUTS.
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Violet Lake
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:01 am
I think it's the way your lines are wrapping. How did you write it? Word & pasted it into A2K?
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Violet Lake
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:06 am
Sometimes it's worth pasting your text into a plain text editor (such as Notepad) first. If there's a problem, you'll see it there and can fix it.
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:27 am
A remake of "The Ten Commandments" (since we've been discussing this elsewhere):

Charlton Heston, in drag as Nefretiri packing a Smith and Wesson, shoots at Moses during the final palace throneroom scene -- the bullet, of course, ricochets and hits a second born priest.

Bruce Willis as Ramses, who at the parting of the Red Sea points out it's only a special effect and wipes out the escaping Jews.

Morgan Fairchild as Sephora who wiles Moses into yet another Old Navy ad where he sports some ugly box cut jeans.

Charlie Daniels as Dathan who sells out to hedonism and encourages the mob waiting for the Ten Commandments to mix Purple Cows so everyone will get drunk and engage in soft porn.

Ted Nugent as Joshua who falls for Moses and performs the first on-screen kissing of the staff.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as, well naturally, Moses who engages in a chariot race around one of the pyramids and everyone turns into cheese.

I'll have think about the Barbara Streisand film another day after the above cast wanders around the desert for 40 years looking for weapons of mass destruction (all they have to do is find the ark but Moses sporting a Fedora is a bit much).
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:31 am
Hey, Butrflynet -- we're sporting the same avatar but yours is bigger!
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Violet Lake
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:36 am
Laughing Lightwizard, you're bad! I like the erotic quality of your "epic".
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Violet Lake
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:38 am
Bigger and blurrier Wink I noticed that too... was wondering if it was Lightwizard.
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:38 am
I know, I couldn't resist having fun with some of the more priggish stars, especially those who need to have their right wings clipped.
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Violet Lake
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:40 am
I started to write it as a porn movie, but that stuff is difficult to write! Laughing

I love your avatar, BTW, it was an adorable movie Smile
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 09:56 am
All one has to do is become really stupid that day and then write a porn movie script.

"Monsters, Inc." took over as my favorite animation film ("Spririted Away" is up there, too) over "The Three Caballeros."
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 10:25 am
You are absolutely wicked, Lightwizard :wink:
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Flatted 5th
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 11:26 am
All the celebrities will be playing their selves in this "True Life Drama"

This movie is about a huge liberal fund raising party attended by Hollywood glitterati. The party is hosted by Senn Penn in his palatial estate on Cashmere Cove.

Word of the party has reached the uninvited Bruce Willis. Enthused and energized by the ease of the war victory over Iraq, he hatches a plan with his war-mongering cronies to not only crash the party, but to take it over and play his harmonica ad naseum.

Willis calls up Charlton Heston, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Both are eager to join the fray. Although they have had no actual combat experience, they are, or were, action heroes. The trio thinks they have gained a lot of battle experience from their film projects, and who's to tell them different.

Next Willis get a hold of Charlie Daniels and Ted Nugent. Coincidently the pair had been in a musical together in Branson, Missouri based on the life of the late Senator Joseph McCarthy entitled "Joey, We Hardly Knew Ye!" The show had just closed and the timing was right. Charlie and Ted's only condition was a chance to perform a selection from the musical entitled: "I've got a devilish cat scratch down in feverish Georgia" at the party.

Bruce then gets a hold of Morgan Fairchild and asks the beautiful actress to come along and provide the eye candy for the crew, because tough guys need a little diversion every once in awhile. Charming words indeed but the real reason for asking Morgan, was her Humvee auto, even if it had a pink paint job.

At the party Sean is busy showing off the help; the maids, car hops, food servers, and Sean's personal valet are all Muslim fanatics from various countries. And his prize possession: a peacock from the Afghanistan zoo that Sean saved for all to see.
Barbara Streisand is constantly being asked to sing, and as a reaction to this harassment she sings only Rolling Stones songs, "Monkey Man" never sounded better.

Sarandon and Robbins spent their time in the bathroom acting out a scenes from "Bull Durham" joyously yelling together, " Look at us now Baseball Hall of Fame, look at us now!"

Michael Moore's invitation didn't actually arrive, but he showed up any way, he was looking for financial backing for his latest project - The Roman Polanski Story.
A bit irritating was the bull horn Moore brought to speak through. At about the time the booing started, Moore went outside on to the deck with a plate of food.

Martin Sheen was a late arrival and caused quite a stir when he walked through the door, until it was realized that it was not Charlie Sheen. But Martin did bring face paint for everyone and regained favor when he got the ball rolling with two huge lime green eye brows.

While this gala event was happening, a nefarious plan was coming to fruition 50 yards below Penn's house, as Morgan Fairchild's pink humvee pulled up to the curve. The freedom fighters get out of the military vehicle, except, Charlie Daniels who is wedged to the bucket seat and can't get out. While Ted Nugent tries to free his buddy, Charlton Heston looks at Morgan and believing she is Cleopatra, grabs her and gives her a serious kiss. Morgan being Morgan gives it up big time.
Meanwhile Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are feeling the stress and nerves of the pre-battle tension and as Bruce starts to cry uncontrollably, Arnold wets his pants and the action movie stars retreat back to the humvee to console each other.
Ted noticing all the disarray around him and unable to free Charlie from the bucket seats, says a few choice swear words and decides to head up the hill to Penn's house with his bow and arrow, all by himself.

Meanwhile up on the deck of the house, Michael Moore is just finishing off a plate of fried shrimp. As he reaches down for the bull horn he throws the sterling silver platter down the hill, flying through the air like a frisbee, it lands squarely on Ted Nugent's head, knocking him out.

As Moore starts to speak into the bullhorn, something about how he has made more money than any one else at the party, " and that ain't facetious baby!"...........the screen fades to black.
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 12:41 pm
Hi Venus, I meant to reply earlier but I was
called away from the computer. Thanks for the compliment
on my script ... thought it up as I went along. Laughing
Guns, Glock, Heston and Arnold all go together so it
was all kind of easy after that. Thanks and welcome!
It's nice to meet you. Movies and scripts are usually
lightwizard's turf. Thanks so much for the helpful hints
about my lettering. it is very odd, I almost always just
write on the A2K page itself, and half the time it prints
great - the other half, you have already seen what
happens then. I'll try another method and see what
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Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2003 12:55 pm
I think we have some geuine talent here, Venus. What
do you think? I think we could do a civilized porn script
lightwizard - they usually have no plot - except for porn
do they? All we NEED to do is add the plot, and a few
more props & people - take them out of the bedroom,
put them in somewhere unusual, like the parachute
hanger room in an airline hanger, like in Pearl Harbor,
and - tada! You've got tasteful and touching porn....
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