Guardian on guard....

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I don't really know if this belongs in legal or parenting but I'm posting it here.

I am really just trying to get my ducks in a row so that if this situation escalates I can have my response ready.

Here's the deal:

I am Mo's legal guardian. He has lived here with me and my husband for three years (this week) and he will be five years old next week.

Throughout his life he has had VERY minimal contact with his maternal grandmother; let's call her Mary just to make this easy. Mo has seen Mary maybe twice.

Mo's bio-mom has had very little contact with Mary for many, many years. Bio-mom was horribly abused by Mary and Mary's husband when she was a young child. Bio-mom was raised by her grandparents from the time she was about eight years old.

During the first two years of Mo's life, when he lived with his mom and dad, they prevented any contact with Mary except by accident. They wouldn't even tell her where they lived.

I get a call today from Other Relative. Mary has been in a terrible accident and is hospitalized here in town. Bio-mom is suddenly keyed in on Mary "spending lots of time with her, being very strong, blah blah blah".

"And...."

<ahem>

"Bio-mom might want to take Mo to visit Mary in the hospital."

Uhhhh....

I can't see any possible good coming from such a visit.

I have tried to make sure that Mo's bio-family has contact with him when they want to. This is not very often. Still, I try to keep those doors open. This relative is different.

I have never had to pull a "as Mo's guardian, I don't think this is a good idea" bit before and I confess to being a bit rattled at the thought of stirring up a pot at the time when our petition to adopt Mo is just around the corner.

I know that I am within my rights to forbid a visit. I don't feel that it is in Mo's best interest to have any sort of relationship with Mary who is known to be a drug user, child abuser, and alcholoic.

I know that a pissed off bio-parent can do some serious damage in situations like this.

I don't have specific questions because I'm not sure what kind of answers I need; I'm trying to feel the situation out.

I appreciate any advice or direction anyone might be able to share.

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Oh, I forgot....

Other Realitve said "We were all talking about how maybe this happened to give our family a chance to reconnect all of the broken bonds."

That just gives me chills.

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Quote:

Other Realitve said "We were all talking about how maybe this happened to give our family a chance to reconnect all of the broken bonds."

I agree that this visit is not in Mo's best interests.

He is a child. He is not responsible for any of these broken bonds and he should not be dragooned into participation in a game of Reunited Families.

Your problem is How To Say No Firmly and Tactfully.

Possible starting places:

Mo is a very exuberant child. His grandmother is seriously injured and surrounded by other severely injured people.

Emotionally exhausting visits should not take place in the hospital.

Far better that Mary devoted her time to Bio-Mom right now. After all, Mo is a stranger, but Bio-Mom has years of an unhappy past to deal with.

People have such dumb ideas.

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I could tell that O.R. was feeling me out to see what I would say about it.

I told her that I couldn't understand why bio-mom would even consider taking Mo there and that she and I would have to seriously talk about it. That from EVERYTHING I had ever heard, Mary was a lunatic.

Apparently now that Mary is injured (she will be paralyzed) she is a much more sympathetic figure.

I hate to sound cold but I have no sympathy for her. I've never laid eyes on her. I think she's a monster.

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boomerang wrote:

Other Realitve said "We were all talking about how maybe this happened to give our family a chance to reconnect all of the broken bonds."

That just gives me chills.

Oh lordy... I can only imagine Boomer. ((hugs))

As the guardian you can block the visits as you've said. Since Mo doesn't really know this woman maube you can play it off as being something that would have a negative effect on Mo at his age. A 5 year old certianly doesn't understand all the complexities of a hosptial and going there is likely to cause him a LOT of confusiion.

If they want to get their family issues patched up that's fine. Tell them to let you know when they've done that and everything has been stable for a few years. Let's the "adults" (and I use that hesitatingly in this case) go their own way and get their act together first.

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Were none of the issues of guardianship and the relationship of that family to Mo present, there is no good reason to take a child of that age to a hospital to see someone they know who is in a bad way, much less someone who virtually a stranger.

If you were in the hospital in a bad way, it would be a bad idea to take Mo there. This whole scenario stinks to high heaven.

I worked in hospitals for many years--there are many good reasons why hospitals place restrictions on the age of visitors, and the length of visits. One is that small children don't deal well with that sort of atmosphere under the best of circumstances. These aren't even close to good circumstances, let alone the best.

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Tell everyone concerned that Mo has the flu and you will not be bringing him to a hospital where sick people could be affected by him and where he might pick up something else with his immune system down.

Yes it's a fib but it puts off the request for now.

How long until you adopt Mo?

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Okay. This is good.

"A hospital is no place for a child to visit - both for Mo and for Mary."

"He doesn't know her so it wouldn't even make sense to him."

"Deal with your own stuff first, then if it is repaired we might consider easing Mo into the situation."

Mo has some attachment issues (not that his bio-family would understand much of this) and I am very careful about introducing new people into his life -- especially, I imagine, a woman who is "grandma".

Ha! Heeven. I'm tempted but putting it off for not won't really solve it. I really feel like I need to take a stand on this from the get-go.

I have a feeling that if and when it is presented to me it will be "poor, poor, pathetic Mary just wants to see her little grandbaby".

Bio-mom seems to be taking a lot of time off work to sit with poor, poor, Mary (who tried to drown her in the bathtub) and is "reuniting" with her half-siblings.

I wish I knew for sure, Heeven, about adoption dates.

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That sounds like a very tricky position that you are in, I am sorry to hear about this..

What I would do is say "I don't think that the hospital is a place for children to visit" then tell them they should arrange it after she gets out and for awhile keep putting it off until the adoption is completed

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In all honesty, the actuall adoption probably will not make a big difference in situations such as this.

Bio-parents can and do make big waves after adoptions and if they make big enough waves they get their kids back.

Sometimes I really think that if I had just called social services when his parents abandoned him that he would this impossibly gorgeous, blond haired, blue eyed bundle of charm would be living in a mansion and getting a pony for his birthday next week and that none of those idiots he is biologically related to would ever be able to get their hands on him ever again.

And after I think that I just want to curl up with the covers over my head.

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We saw a similar sea change in T's mother when her mother got to the point that she couldn't care for herself. She, too, was abusive and crazy, and continued to be so even in the assisted living facility.

Being paralyzed may keep Mary from physical abuse, but wouldn't keep her from mental or emotional abuse.

Sounds like they're wanting Mo as an ice-breaker. I'd say they need to do it themselves.

My approach might be to start questioning them, instead of taking a strong stance right off the bat.

"What do you think that Mo's visit will accomplish?" "How do you think this might affect Mo?" "Do you think this is the best way to introduce him to his grandmother?" etc.

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Interesting, DrewDad. I wonder why that is -- that caretaking thing. Is it a role reversal, look I can take care of you even though you wouldn't take care of me thing? What?

An ice breaker... yeah, I can see that.

I think the questioning idea has merit. But kind of like lying, it gives them room to manuver.

The fact that I love Mo beyond measure doesn't change the fact that my JOB is to make decisions for him that are in his best interest.

And really, I have to make these decisions without any regard to myself or my desires or hopes about any upcoming legal action.

It is really hard to divorce the two things.

It is making me crazy!

Maybe the whole thing will blow over and I will have put my ducks in a row for nothing. I hope so.

I really can't just go along to get along when it comes to exposing Mo to a woman I think is a monster. I know the damage this woman is capable of.

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Ooof.

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I've nothing new to add. Just want to let you know that I'm reading and thinking, "This sucks!"

... is that the same as Ooof?

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Pretty much. :-)

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crap

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Good grief Boomer. I agree with the general consensus that the Hospital and the "family situation" are not healthy for Mo. Can Bio-mom start making trouble and try to get Mo back if you refuse? I'm pretty sure I would do whatever it took to keep him out of that situation. Good luck with whatever you do, I hope you can work it out without disturbance for Mo.

Anon

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Ooof and sucks and crap, indeed.

Bio-mom could essentially make "trouble" and get Mo back whenever and if-ever she chose to. Now or after the adoption. I've read enough to know that there is no such thing as loophole-less adoption.

I'm still having a hard time believing that bio-mom would consider mending fences with her mother.

Or that she might even consider putting Mo in contact with Mary.

I remember talking to dlowan once about a girl whose mother set her on fire. When the girl came to she cried to see her mother. Despite everything she "wanted her mommy".

But I digress.

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If Mary is in the hospital, paralyzed, Bio-Mom is a Visitor, not a Caretaker.

As an armchair psychologist, I'd guess that if Mary is discharged from the hospital to Bio-Mom's care that Bio-Mom may well become a Granny Basher.

Meanwhile, the two of them are in a Soap Opera Situation and on Best Behavior (while the nurses do the scut work).

Mo is much too young and vulnerable for the soaps.

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O.R. (Auntie T for those of you who have followed our show for years) called this morning..... again.

She wanted to know what Mo was up to today and I explained that I was going to work and that Mr. B and Mo had plans.

She brought up that "everyone" was going to the hospital tomorrow to see Mary and....

I said "Don't ask if Mo can go because he can't."

<long pause>

<wait>

She starts with "Oh no... blah blah blah"

So I'm hoping that I circumvented any further requests or suggestions.

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Guardian on guard....

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