This or that?

Whatever option gets him to give up all the dirt on Trump (and by that... lead to his impeachment and nothing less). He's small fry in this ongoing political catastrophe/sh!tstorm.

Omelet made of the last dragon egg in existence or roast dodo bird (cloned from out of extinction)?

Dodo bird. I hear dragon eggs are extremely spicy.

Eat dog food for a month or rather starve?

My survival instinct is intact.
Eat dog food.

Attend the wedding of a coworker or have a moderate 24 hour bug?

A moderate 24 hour bug

Plaid or paisley

A manly plaid.

Golf or skeet shooting?

Skeet shooting.

Holiday shopping or an ice pick jammed in your left ear.

Having been through the agony of a ruptured eardrum, I am forced on a shopping excursion...at least it'll be over in a few hours.

Read mostly false entertainment magazines or only factual papers?
(in either case, you can substitute internet sites in place of hard copy)

I read the NY Times every Saturday and Sunday and thusly have access to the digital site all week if something good to read comes up (as well as follow NPR online). I actually like factual papers while I hate celebrity crapazines with a blinding passion of a thousand stars. So papers please.

Have a really short yet very very reliable commute to work (but you have to get to work an hour early) OR add 30 to 40 minutes to your commute by taking a driverless car (you always get to work on time) but you can nap, watch tv, etc... while you go from point A to point B?

Had to think for a minute about this one.

Take the driverless car. I hate the idea of getting up, period. I could use the extra time to read or something.

Having all unwanted body and face hair suddenly stop growing, or be able to eat 20% more of whatever you what with no ill effects on your health?

I can't stand shaving but do so because I wouldn't be able to maintain a beard in any decent or professional manner. Although that would be enticing, the latter option sounds more so.

What should happen to someone who sincerely uses the phrase "Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?"
Forced to swim end to end in an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with 90% very hungry piranha (and of course afflicted with a dozen bleeding paper cuts) OR pushed off the Empire State Building with a 1,455 foot long bungee cord?

I think the Empire State Building. I dunno, just pleases me more aesthetically. Wouldn't want to listen to all that screaming, I'm ok with one long wail.

Receiving yet another cat related xmas present because hey, you own a cat, so obviously you want yet another cat thing that you would obviously want to display on some darkened closet shelf, or

Having one more person ask you if "you're ready for Xmas"

I'll take the cat related gift. In a few years I can regift it to another cat person.

Break an expensive (or cheap) vase, platter or mirror when infuriated...
Or
Listen to a "calming" meditation tape/cd/video?

Listen to a "calming" meditation tape/cd/video. Not a fan of self-harm or worse, becoming a Darwin Award winner because I let my emotions turn into an action that basically kills me. Even if it doesn't, breaking stuff isn't really carthatic and ultimately makes things worse. You're now down one mirror, mase, or cell phone.

What is worse:
Eating half an apple then finding out you ate at least half a worm or grub buried inside?


or


Eating half an apple then finding out you ate at least half a worm or grub buried inside AND find out that you enjoyed the worm so much, you rather never eat apples again and only eat worms and grubs... by themselves (and nothing else)?

This is why apples should be x-rayed and sliced before eating.

I'll get back to you on my selection...

...maybe


Ask the town gossip to check your vital signs or have the town drunk see to it?

Town drunk....much more fun

Watch Michelle (crazy pants) Malkin at CPAC or chew 60 watt light bulbs

Will these bulbs be this plastic led ones or glass? I'll watch Malkin...you didn't say I had to have the sound on or listen...


After spilling red beet juice on your white tiled kitchen floor, cover the entire floor this way as a cheap stain or attempt to clean the tiles?

Clean the tiles. Can't imagine that beets could be that permanent of a stain on tile (unless it's the cheapest of vinyl flooring).

Travel back decades to see your favorite musician or band live in concert at the peak of their greatness, while risking the destruction of your timeline via the "Butterfly Effect"...?

Or

... see her/him or them in their last farewell tour (never to grace the performance stage again) in a lesser capacity (performance wise)?

Travel back,

Spend your sick day doing laundry or binging on Netflix and junk food?

Netflix (Im not big on junk food)

Drink muddy water or sleep in a hollow log

I'll have you know, I can do both! (possibly have)
Okay, I'll sleep in the log - just keep the possums, raccoons and squirrels out!

Bring baked goods to the new neighbors or go on in and prepare them in their home?