1
   

The Argument Clinic - Monty Python

 
 
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 01:55 pm
A reception desk in a sort of office building.

Receptionist: Yes, sir?

Man: I'd like to have an argument please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir, have you been here before...?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Man: Well, what would be the cost?

Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Man: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?

Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory... Yes, try Mr. Barnard -- Room 12.

Man: Thank you.

[...] The man knocks on the door.

Mr Vibrating:(from within) Come in.

The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr Vibrating: I've told you once.

Man: No you haven't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.

Man: When?

Mr Vibrating: Just now!

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!

Man: Didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Did.

Man: Didn't.

Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!

Man: You did not!

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour?

Man: Oh, just a five minute one.

Mr Vibrating: Fine. (makes a note of it; the man sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did.

Man: You most certainly did not.

Mr Vibrating: Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely told you!

Man: You did not.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: You did not.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: Didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

Man: Didn't.

Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!!

Man: Look this isn't an argument.

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.

Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is.

Mr Vibrating: It is not.

Man: It is. You just contradicted me.

Mr Vibrating: No I didn't.

Man: Ooh, you did!

Mr Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no.

Man: You did, just then.

Mr Vibrating: No, nonsense!

Man: Oh, look this is futile.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: I came here for a good argument.

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't, you came here for an argument.

Man: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: It can be.

Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.

Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Man: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't".

Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.

Man: No it isn't, an argument is an intellectual process... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is.

Mr Vibrating: Not at all.

Man: Now look!

Mr Vibrating:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.

Man: What?

Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.

Man: But I was just getting interested.

Mr Vibrating: Sorry the five minutes is up.

Man: That was never five minutes just now!

Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.

Man: No it wasn't.

Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

Man: What!?

Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

Man: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.

Mr Vibrating: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.

Mr Vibrating: Thank you.

Man: Well?

Mr Vibrating: Well what?

Man: That was never five minutes just now.

Mr Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: I've just paid.

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: I did! I did! I did!

Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

Man: Look I don't want to argue about that.

Mr Vibrating: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.

Man: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing... got you!

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

Man: Yes I have... if you're arguing I must have paid.

Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Man: I've had enough of this.

Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

[From "Monty Python's Flying Circus: Just the Words, Volume 2", episode 29.
Methuen, ISBN 0-413-62550-8 (hardback).]

[Also available in sonic form on "Monty Python's Previous Record" and "Monty Python Live At Drury Lane", both from Charisma Records / Virgin Records.]
  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 14,860 • Replies: 340
No top replies

 
Montana
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 03:28 pm
That's a riot, LOL! I love Monty Python.
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 04:29 pm
No you don't.
0 Replies
 
oldandknew
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 04:57 pm
everyone loves MP, or you wanna take it outside
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 05:38 pm
You can't contradict the proposition that Montana or, indeed, in the words of OldandKnew, EVERYONE loves Monty Python, without defining what is meant by "love"!
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 05:39 pm
Nor do you have access to their internal processes - you can't just say "No, you don't"!
0 Replies
 
oldandknew
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 05:48 pm
Right on Rabbit and I've no idea how my internal processes work.
Love or hate it. As the wise old once said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 06:04 pm
No it isn't.

That which we call beauty in humans has a serirs of "rules" - about symmetricality, health etc - it seems to be a ready-eckoner for likelihood of reasonable genes.....
0 Replies
 
oldandknew
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 06:17 pm
well all I can say is this, it's too late. the moon is casting its shadow and that right little madam, Miss bloody Bo Peep has come calling and wants me to help her count her sodding jumbucks.
The billabong is dry and the swagman is inebriated. may heaven preserve us.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 06:19 pm
it won't.







(teehee)
0 Replies
 
oldandknew
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 06:27 pm
just cos it's saturday afternoon on your large island, it's still friday night on our small island and it's easter nearly and heaven is on stand by to save us all, except Bo - bloody - Peep and I'm off to the land of nod.

Miximatosi - The Return, In cinemas everywhere. Starting this easter.
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 06:34 pm
Jeeez!!! How did saying I love Monty Python get so complicated.

Craven
Why don't I? Just curious.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 07:03 pm
it is Saturday morning, not Saturday afternoon!

Myxamatosis has gone the way of the dinosaur - hey! Don't pike! It's an ARGUMENT thread!
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 07:55 pm
Not necessarily
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 08:55 pm
'Tis.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 08:56 pm
Anyway - it's gotta be PEACEFUL being extinct.... no battle for survival, no sex to find, no babies, no predators, nirvana.
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 09:17 pm
hahahaha!!!! I just figured out why Craven said "no you don't". Boy, am I slow today, LOL!
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 09:18 pm
Yes I do!
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 09:20 pm
You will have to continue THAT one when Craven wakes up!
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Apr, 2003 09:22 pm
LOL Montana! I thought you were just playing along all this time. (Welcome, btw! Smile)
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

How can we be sure? - Discussion by Raishu-tensho
Proof of nonexistence of free will - Discussion by litewave
morals and ethics, how are they different? - Question by existential potential
Destroy My Belief System, Please! - Discussion by Thomas
Star Wars in Philosophy. - Discussion by Logicus
Existence of Everything. - Discussion by Logicus
Is it better to be feared or loved? - Discussion by Black King
 
  1. Forums
  2. » The Argument Clinic - Monty Python
Copyright © 2021 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 06/14/2021 at 09:04:53