Death Diary - Endymion

Who Pays?



Stolen childhoods
Never to be returned again
For girls must think like women
And boys must act like men

Living in hell-on-earth
Where nothing precious stays
For girls must become fearless
And boys must remain brave



Trying to understand
A life where war dictates
Where girls learn to grieve
And boys learn to hate

Looking for a reason
To live another day
When children are forgotten
In the games that adults play



And who pays?





Endymion 2006

Let me burn in the flames
With those that haunt me
Faces of children
Running into pools of tears
Throughout the night
Over the years
Never releasing
The grief
I have carried inside
Since that night when I discovered that
I could not be evil
(Laughs with bitter irony)
May God forgive me

IT IS NOT ME

It is not me
When you come to me
Dark shadows
On stone walls
Bringing down your arms
To tenderise me
When you pour out your hatred
And I must listen silently
When you humiliate the man
And threaten the child in me
When you look at me
When you burn out your anger and grief on me
It is not me

It is not me
When you leave me
In darkness
So obscene
Alone in my dreams
Your faces haunt me
When you gather together and mock me
When you jeer at my tears
Yet punish my small acts of bravery
When you dehumanise
And despise and ridicule me
When you taunt me
It is not me

When you break me
It is not me



Endymion 2006



***********************************


The Mad Focker's Tea Party


Poked in the back
Slapped around the head
Rapped across the knuckles
Force-fed

Smashed whiskey bottle
Blood and glass and gore
Drama and violence
Chair kicked to the floor

Face pushed in hot potato
"Eat until you spew!"
Alice thought she knew what mad was
But she didn't know you


Endymion 2006


*******************************************


They Always Asked Me


Sometimes I'd run all the way to the station
To where three tramps often sat
"All right kid?" They always asked me
Their eyes old and poisoned

I was close to telling them about you
Of showing them your mark
But I didn't want you to know of them
Because then you'd want to destroy them

I mistakenly believed that if I told the truth
They would want to try to rescue me
And then you would kill them
As easily as snapping chicken bones

And when they were dead
You would remember me
As I remember them
They were the only ones
Who ever really asked me
Back then


Endymion 2006

ENDY -
Your poems here make me cry. I mean that as a high compliment, my friend.
It isn't often a poem can hit my pain.

This is mostly an acknowledgement post. I don't often have comments to make. I do love reading your work. It is being read and I so hope you continue writing.

Thank you for your acknowledgment, Flushd

I'm discovering that words are powerful indeed.
(writing them down, I mean - not necessarily reading them)
Maybe they can dispel demons.
Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

Thanks for being encouraging.
I'm sorry for your pain.

Endy

For Me


Lay your head beside me
We can hide here
While the monster stalks
Crazy
In the house of creeping shadows
Put your arms around me
We are safe here
Wedged under my bed
I feel you press your head
Against mine
We can be brave here
................For all time
Close our frightened ears
To the screaming sounds of madness
To the creak on the stairs
And the breath of the intruder
As I press my fingers down
On your glass, brown eyes
I know you must not see
When the door screams open
And the beast comes
It comes for me



Endymion 2006

Goddamn, Endy. (re: "For me").
(Powerful, I mean).
(Makes me think: I'm so sorry...for everyone. Who's been that child.)

I feel I should say something about what I have been writing here.
My stuff is very painful to me and some of it comes from a place that has been silent for a long time.
I don't think I can shut that kid up now even if I wanted to.
Having said that, I respect the fact that others have their pain.
I just want anyone reading this to know that I'm aware of a need to be responsible when it comes to writing about childhood trauma.

thanks, Endy

***********************

nimh I'm glad to hear from you. Its hit me hard this one. very fcking hard.
I'm certainly not pressing the panic button or anything like it - I knew it would do this. I'm glad I posted it.
But still, thanks nimh

The Eyes Of The Children


The meek shall inherit the earth
As they lie in uncovered mass graves
And each flower that springs from the turf
Will forever carry their gaze
And the billions who've died without name
With their hands raised up in defeat
Forever on earth shall remain
In the voices of children we meet
Some talk of an eye for an eye
Some say that vengeance is sweet
But the future will judge us one day
Through the eyes of the children we greet


Endymion 2006

Beyond The Day

I am waiting
Beyond the day
Watching stretching shadows
As colours fade to grey
Nailed by the clinging rays
Of a red setting sun
My wait's begun
In falling heat
Jaded
On the curfew empty streets
I wonder where you are
And when you'll show
I wonder who you'll be
And if I'll ever know
As night falls down
And still of you there is no trace
I imagine that when you come
I'll know your face
Death


Endymion 2006

I've been reading a lot of 'prisoner' poetry recently -
something I can relate to as a human who has a
need to distance myself from humanity.

These I've written today:



In Peace


I have decided
In the interest of sanity
To barricade myself inside my home
And never venture out again

I have decided
To look for faith within
To turn my back on human sin
To let the healing begin

And although a prisoner I may be
Perhaps in peace
I can be free




Endymion 2006


--------------------------------------------------------


Another Day


I stare at that blue strip of sky
At an occasional bird
That flies suddenly by
At a lonely white cloud
Racing time
Carefree and high
With the sun on its back
And its light in my eye
I stare through the bars and I pray
For the sun
To burst through
And drive darkness away
For a brightly lit end
To a long lonely stay
But it's just another day



Endymion 2006

-------------------------------------------------------------


Black Telescope


Come, sit by me a while
Shadow
As the sun leaves us
Sit and grow
Deeper into the cave of my cell

I shall lie in your arms
Tonight, shadow
And watch for our star
Its light I know
So well

Can you see it shine?
Like me it waits
For an end
To this
Black telescope of hell

Let me hide in your dreams
Shadow
Let me sleep
In your final
Farewell


Endymion 2006

TONIGHT

Time

Stretches

A straight, dusty road
Extending outward
From my other eye

A desert road bleached white
Glare on stone
Crumbling

Through broken, arid bones
Into the graveyard of the soul

Tonight




Endymion 2006

Death Has No Shadow

Death has no reason
The pinnacle of time
Translating
Unfathomable patterns
Distant and confounding
Stealing you
From the pocket of your love
Death has no shadow
It is the sun at high noon
Pinning you down to the final second
Illuminating darkness
With the clarity of church bells
A fluttering of ancient memory
That carries you
Out
Over the earth's falling edge
And into the arms
Of another



Endymion 2006

In Here


It's black in here
Cold manic pitch
In hottest night
Burning
In the twisted sheets
Of love
Untouched

It's death in here
Bright fear traces
A broken sky
Blasting
At hordes of flower
Sellers
Unruffled

It's a scream in here
Crazy f……. men
On highest drugs
Faking
The supreme hero
Gagged
Unsung

It's a nightmare here
Inner voice weeping
"Don't Become"
Seeking
Comfort in arms
Charmed
Undone




Endymion 2006

Interesting read...this thread.

I have many poems about death, prison and the like....many of which are complex enough to hide the truth.

I like what you have in your style and what you have to say in your poetry. Would you by chance have a book in print with all these together in one spot? These are too grand to not be copyrighted and bound together.....

Herema,

Thanks for writing

Strange enough, I have been logging these poems in a book - along with some very shabby sketches.
Someone who helps me deal with my **** suggested it last year when I mentioned that I was posting stuff on a creative writing forum.
(Even they don't know where or under what name).

I also have the poems stored on my computer.

This thread has really become a very personal diary to me. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and the poems I have written here - how much they have already helped me.

I don't know how copyright really works but I sometimes wish (if they were good enough) that I could sell these poems in book form to raise money for a charity - one that aids traumatised victims of war. (And I say this for selfish reasons, because I know it would help me to be able to do some small thing.)

If anyone was to approach me on it, I'd be delighted.
But I aint gona hold my breath!


best,
Endy

******************

This I wrote tonight



I Am Already Dead


I am already dead
That is the strangest thing of all
To crave what I already have
To cut and to feel nothing much at all

Eternal emptiness
And ever loneliness of heart
I am already dead
All dreams of life are blown apart

I am already dead
I am already in my grave
And I have put to rest
The only soul I could not save

I am nothing now
I am but dust the years have shed
I am a memory
I am already dead



Endymion 2006

I like "I am Already Dead."

Endymion

I discovered this diary of yours today & I've have read it from start to finish. You could have heard a pin drop as I read your poems. What can I say? Your words communicate what I think & feel about the same things, so very well. Straight & honest & no arty farty nonsense. I worry about the pain that inspires your writing, but the poems themselves are wonderful!

Endy.....would you mind too much, to email me? [email protected]

Thanks everyone for your posts, thanks for taking the time - it means a great deal. I'm sure you know how much.