Un-friend
I can't be a friend to you
Not like this
My mind is a bomb
full of traps and twists
I see my enemy
in the corners of your words
My life is so absurd
I cannot live it
and though I try hard
to forgive it
I am obliged
to ride
this monstrous tide
that avalanches pride
and smashes it
Into dirt and into dust
I can't be a friend to you
for I cannot trust
I can't be a friend to you
cos I'm out of touch
but still I love you
so very much
Endymion 2008
Un-friend
I can't be a friend to you
Not like this
My mind is a bomb
full of traps and twists
I see my enemy
in the corners of your words
My life is so absurd
I cannot live it
and though I try hard
to forgive it
I am obliged
to ride
this monstrous tide
that avalanches pride
and smashes it
Into dirt and into dust
I can't be a friend to you
for I cannot trust
I can't be a friend to you
cos I'm out of touch
but still I love you
so very much
Endymion 2008
Endymion, You have a really good idea, but you may weaken the force of the poem by using quite so many examples. The most interesting to me is
I see my enemy
in the corners of your words
These two lines contain an entire story! If you compare them with a couplet like
I can't be a friend to you
cos I'm out of touch
you may see that the former has a lot more going on--and more depth.
The first couplet I quote is so very good that you might want to model others after it (metaphor, subtlety, depth)--and use fewer examples. This could be a very good poem.
Endymion, that was a "successful" poem because it moved me deeply. The contrast between "I can't trust" and "I love you" is powerful and so "real." Nevertheless, Miklos' advice is the key to a GREAT poem.
Hey - thank you both for your comments
you are absolutely right of course, those last were throw away lines.
I got rid of them altogether. I know it isn't perfect - but now it sounds so much stronger and most important -
I feel that it honours the subject more now (i'm sorry i'm useless at explaining stuff)
anyway, here it is - and many thanks - i know it's better (not outstanding - but better).
Un-friend
I can't be a friend to you
Not like this
My mind is a bomb
full of traps and twists
I see my enemy
in the corners of your words
My life is so absurd
I cannot live it
and though I try hard
to forgive it
I am obliged
to ride
this monstrous tide
that avalanches pride
and smashes it
Into dirt and into dust
I can't be a friend to you
for I cannot trust
I can't be a friend to you
I love so much
Endymion 2008
Endy,
This reads much better. As in most good poems, "the sound echoes the sense." Good work!
i'll look at taking that one line you mentioned and attempting something better around it -
metaphor, subtlety, depth - okay ( subtlety i may have a problem with :wink: )
thanks
e
I've been reading along, too, Endy. As always.
I'm no critic, this is just personal a response .. but I've found these last few poems direct & moving.
(You've been busy, I see!)
Hey, Olga - thanks. i was really glad to see you here.
I
always read, Endy! ... though I don't comment all that often.
Good to see you've been writing away!
When Death Comes
When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world
- Mary Oliver
Death is not extinguishing the light.
It is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Today, i remember a friend
He used to like banana milkshake (of all things
and could drink two pints of the stuff - no probs). I remember making him laugh when he had a mouthful once and so as not to get the stuff all down his clothes, he spat it out (at a closed window). I laughed so much i thought i was going to bust a rib.
Still missed by many
Endy
In Memory
After This
Life so strange
you have seen me
and I have seen your sweet complexity
Your mysterious beauty
Your brutal cruelty
and just one time
I have felt your heart beat close to mine
Life so strange and undefined
Death moves slow to undermine
Like a mental crime
A breath of mist that seeks to twist
the lonely soul
as pain takes hold
It has me in its fist
A host that insists
The air is smoke filled
shadows leap
I can never sleep
The truth is bold and horror runs deep
Yet talked of cheap with flippancy
The night is cursed
and demons stoke the flames of memory
Care has deserted me
I'm no longer afraid
The future's bright
Hey, everything will be alright
old friend
Death is not the end
Not eternal night
but a great release and gentle peace
after this strange life
Endymion 2008
Quintessence Erratic
foolish heart got bashed
broken smashed and beat
pulverized resized
kicked around the street
for everyone to see
humiliation by degree
laughter ecstasy ecstatic
quintessence erratic
blind-sided me with ease
then put me on my knees
and rearranged my attic
with bullets spoke emphatic
power to my head
bang, bang baby, BANG you're dead
or so she said
as love turned red
the heart beat static
I want to kiss her dangerous mouth
I want her in my bed
Cos even when she chills me
she thrills my head
and even as she kills me
she knocks me dead
Endymion 2008
True Spirit
If there was a king
I could believe in
Wise and just in spirit
and strong of feeling
With love enough
to banish callousness
If there was a man
of the left
A man like Jesus
of Nazareth
If there was a leader
for the people
Bright enough
to point the way
If there was a man
with some honourable plan
somewhere in this sorry land today
I for one would walk beside him
and if they blinded him
I would guide him
and if they wounded him
I'd bind him
and if they persecuted him
I would hide him
and if they imprisoned him
I'd find him
and if they tortured him to death
like all the rest
Reminding me that 'God'
has no sway
I'd go on following
his path anyway
Who knows?
Perhaps I'd catch him up
along the way
Endymion 2008
hey that's pretty fu cking weird coming from a heathen like me.
take no notice. I write **** sometimes that pours itself straight out the bottle - so what - we can't all be William Blake
The Marriage of Heaven and Hell - An Excerpt
In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.
Drive your cart and your plow over the bones of the dead.
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
Prudence is a rich, ugly old maid courted by Incapacity.
He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.
The cut worm forgives the plow.
Dip him in the river who loves water.
A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.
Eternity is in love with the productions of time.
The busy bee has no time for sorrow.
The hours of folly are measur'd by the clock; but of wisdom,
no clock can measure.
All wholesome food is caught without a net or a trap.
Bring out number, weight and measure in a year of dearth.
No bird soars too high, if he soars with his own wings.
A dead body revenges not injuries.
The most sublime act is to set another before you.
If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise.
Folly is the cloak of knavery.
Shame is Pride's cloke.
Prisons are built with stones of law,
brothels with bricks of religion.
The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.
The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.
The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.
The nakedness of woman is the work of God.
Excess of sorrow laughs. Excess of joy weeps.
The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves,
the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword,
are portions of eternity, too great for the eye of man.
The fox condemns the trap, not himself.
Joys impregnate. Sorrows bring forth.
Let man wear the fell of the lion,
woman the fleece of the sheep.
The bird a nest, the spider a web,
man friendship.
The selfish, smiling fool, and the sullen,
frowning fool shall be both thought wise,
that they may be a rod.
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
The rat, the mouse, the fox, the rabbit watch the roots;
the lion, the tyger, the horse, the elephant watch the fruits.
The cistern contains: the fountain overflows.
One thought fills immensity.
Always be ready to speak your mind, and a base man will avoid you.
Every thing possible to be believ'd is an image of truth.
The eagle never lost so much time as when he submitted to learn of the crow.
The fox provides for himself, but God provides for the lion.
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.
He who has suffer'd you to impose on him, knows you.
As the plow follows words, so God rewards prayers.
The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
Expect poison from the standing water.
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
Listen to the fool's reproach! it is a kingly title!
The eyes of fire, the nostrils of air,
the mouth of water, the beard of earth.
The weak in courage is strong in cunning.
The apple tree never asks the beech how he shall grow;
nor the lion, the horse, how he shall take his prey.
The thankful receiver bears a plentiful harvest.
If others had not been foolish, we should be so.
The soul of sweet delight can never be defil'd.
When thou seest an eagle, thou seest a portion of genius;
lift up thy head!
As the caterpiller chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on,
so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys.
To create a little flower is the labour of ages.
Damn braces. Bless relaxes.
The best wine is the oldest, the best water the newest.
Prayers plow not! Praises reap not!
Joys laugh not! Sorrows weep not!
The head Sublime, the heart Pathos, the genitals Beauty,
the hands and feet Proportion.
As the air to a bird or the sea to a fish,
so is contempt to the contemptible.
The crow wish'd every thing was black,
the owl that every thing was white.
Exuberance is Beauty.
If the lion was advised by the fox, he would be cunning.
Improvement makes strait roads;
but the crooked roads without improvement are roads of genius.
Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires.
Where man is not, nature is barren.
Truth can never be told so as to be understood, and not be believ'd.
Enough! or too much.
William Blake
The Ripening
I long for rain
dark nights
and the smell of earth ripening
I want to see the storm
distant, closing in
To see the trees bend
To feel the sea crash over me
I am a wild man on the sand
laughing at the growing moon
I empty the bottle cold
in the silky dunes
and write a heartfelt message
to send to old Neptune
Then decide not the bother
what the fu ck does it matter?
Soon, you fish-eyed monster
Soon
Endymion 2008
wrote this one sober yesterday
Night a Journey
Now the dark days
drift
like forgotten leaves
and I am voiceless
Deaf by Silence
I stare at my hands
At the spider hovering
Watch the window's dying light
Day is night here
and night a journey
I am losing myself
My mind pours fire
into the void
Unbelievable!
I am nearly nothing
Existence could be
just memory
lost and irrelevant
A world diminishing
Can life still feel me?
Minutes tick disturbing
Wordless
No substance to the stillness
The hours suffocate
my every breath
As the days
haze into one
The rest is not important
Only how I choose
to forget
Endymion 2008
Meditation
I breathe with the pulse
Each sigh
vast, like an alien wave
drifting into open space
Focused on the light caught
in a water glass
A million bubbles crystal gemmed
Entranced
Golden sunshine bright
merging to pale starlight
Transparent beauty
I feel its unique peace flow in me
Blurring out the remains
of iniquitous days
and freeing me
I am healing me
Grasping life
Putting hope in front of me
and watching it surprise
Endymion 2008
Each time I catch up I marvel.
I wish I could explain the changes in your work and how it 'marks'.
