yeah?
thanks Olga
You take care ove there
In sunny Australia
keep the faith
Endy
For Love
-------------
I'm afraid
I can't stand up, no more
You see
I'm tired of crawling
Like a worm
Through this insane life
This evil
When I was a kid
I could feel love
I'd sit in the dark
And imagine
Protective arms around me
But now I'm a man
I've seen the profanity
And yeah, I'd like to help
The innocent oppressed
I'd like to help to change
Their reality
But I can't stand up
Or speak out no more
Cos I'm in my own agony
I try to kill the pain
That is a part of me
But every day
The blade draws closer
To the heart of me
And I'm afraid
You see my brain is full
Of horror
I'm part of a species
That likes to torture
Abuse is abuse
And death is release
And there ain't no God
Above
Now I sit in the dark
And I laugh at my pain
But my body aches
For love
Endymion 2007
A Mystery
Today the sun was like a dream
I remember
When I was a kid
Holding a frog in the palm
Of my trembling hand
The feel of the creature's
Delicate feet
A mystery
Parachutes blown from dandy-lions
Each tiny seed envied for its freedom
Carrying my strongest wish
As I sent them into the air
With a quest
How I wandered the allotments
Where snails lived their sublime lives
And cats ran to meet me
Today for just a moment
I remembered
How safe I felt alone
Sitting in the sun
Watching blackbirds come and go
How I longed for the day
To stretch on forever
The sun never sinking
But paused
With night
Far, far away
Endymion 2007
Yeah!
Find that old woollen hat, Endy!
Olga?
you there - you busy?
Endymion wrote:Olga?
you there - you busy?
I'm here.
I'm listening ... (always)
Yes.
Sorry
Now I can't talk. Too much to say
I;ve been up all night writting
sky's getting light here
Didn't mean to call you for nothing, Olga
thanks for being there
That's perfectly OK, Endy.
Write when you can write.
And try to take good care, OK?
Cold Debris
Falling
Into the cold debris
Of my escape
CDs stacked or spilled
Empty bottles, ashtrays filled
To overflowing
Screwed up words I write
And blunted pencils
Scraping thin lines
Loosing track of time
Music booms
In the cavity of my ribs
But still, there's peace here
Underneath
Shadows mocked
By the candle's light
Streams of incense
Floating Jasmine in the moon's light
Close out the madness
Resist the squawk
Of a nation wild for fame
They have their Big Brother
To keep them locked apart
They are blind to the truth
And deaf to my heart
Here, I don't pretend
You see
My insane smile
Suits me
When I sigh serene
Pour words obscene
Out of this skull that's crushing me
My god, I am rootless
No strings anchor my brain
No ancestor tree on which to crucify
My name
The woman I loved
And who loved me is dead
While I followed bombs
She held one in her head
Now I lie here and scratch words
Like signs on paper
And the room is a bloody arena
As the poison takes over
And I writeÂ…
Why stay?
I am no one come from nothing
I stand alone
Here on this empty road
I feel no saving grace
Recognise no leading face
Only 'The Lords of The Human Race'
F*cking their own in ignorance
And I'm tired of it
The spin and bull-****
I tell myself to get over it
But that's the problem
Isn't it?
Because I see others now
Who are under it
And bare the brunt of it
If I stand by and do nothing
How can I blame those who failed me?
When I was desperate for rescue
When I longed o be free
I am weak
I have tried to keep the voices
Of great men close to me
Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi
And I tell myself that only love
Can bring an end to hate
That if I rant and rage
If I articulate and activate
My anger of realisation
It will destroy normality
But how can I live a normal life
In this society alone
When my mind is lost
Forever in a war zone?
A scrap of paper
Rolled into a ball
I lift it from the ashtray
I don't remember it at all
But I sense the rage that crushed it
And screwed it tight
Dismissed and discarded it
In the drunken night
"Guantanamo Bay prison"
A symbol of man's greatest division
Nazism destroying the vision
I believe in
Peace for all mankind
Maybe not in my life time
But if I had a child I would care
And all that stops the world from getting there
Are a few
Who go on smiling as millions die for what?
For nothing?
Am I a coward now?
Is this really me?
Am I afraid of being out cast?
Afraid that what they do to them they'll do to me?
Is that why I'm not outside No 10
Or the US Embassy
Standing up for the innocent?
Jesus, I need a f*cking drink
Am I insane?
Why the f*ck do I feel to blame?
Could it be
That I'm truly ashamed of my country?
Endymion 2007
I feel so bad about his one. Because I do love my country. A love that hurts. No parents. D'you know what that means? -This land, this history is everything to me. All I had.
Can you Understand?
I'm not a traitor
Its this f*cking war ;its wrong and its tearing apart my country and its destroyed many
I don't expect anyone to give a f*ck but I'm sayin it in case there are any wankers out there who think like that dick Cheney
When I was a kid, I swore i wouldn't let the bastards win. F*ck, I was a tough kid. Tough as a f*cking nut.
Now I'm what you see
truth is
I think the last six years have finished me
I'm being straight with you now
I've lost just about everything
jesus
Watching my country turn into a right-wing, racist, arms-dealer is for me, like an insanity - more than I can take
Am I never to have anyone to look up to? To believe in?
That may seem pathetic to other people. But when you grow up alone you're not like other people
I guess I'm angry at Tony Blair because (and I really f*cking hate to admit this) in a way, he represented something to me. Like a parental figure or something. Turns out he's not much different to the bastards who raised me.
About death
I write in my death diary
But I've never really talked about 'death'
And what it means to me
It's not easy
I feel shame
Contemplating something so strange and unknown
The end of my existence
Of me
Would death make the torment end?
Would it make me free?
I feel sure that in death I will know nothing
I'll not know that I no longer feel to blame
Is that worth dying for -
Nothing?
Is life worth living in pain?
Endymion 2007
I knpw I'm not at my best right now but these two had to be posted i can't just sit here looking at them.
I'm drinking and **** but I'm not feeling suicidal, Okay?
Please don't judge me
Peace to you
Endy
I haven't posted for a couple of weeks because I was starting to really hate what I was writing.
I felt frustrated and angry about a lot of things outside of my control - and that was spilling into my poetry. I didn't want to make a complete arse of myself - so I said 'that's it' for a while and did little else but listen to music, walk on the moors, drink lots of alcohol, read old letters, smoke the smoke, force myself to look through all the painful photographs etc
You could say I wallowed like a pig. I wouldn't argue with you.
But at least I wasn't inflicting it on anyone else. If I'd believed in God, I'm sure I would have been asking Him for divine guidance. Instead I could only ask myself - what am I made of?
I spent some time thinking about my writing and wondering where it could be going.
Anyway this poem came after a while:
(It's a shift away from my usual style and strangely, I feel nervous about posting it - but reading through some of my recent stuff - I hardly think it matters if I embarrass myself - I suppose this poem has suprised me because although it's much more about symbolism, it's also much more personally satisfying than some of the 'ranting' I've been doing. It seemed to come automatically and felt weird to write. I dunno if it's good or bad or mediocre, but it's certainly given me something to think about.)
Without Reason
I
We were following the storm
Set on course for the mighty reform
Tender to the ways of our enemies
We conversed with eagles
In filthy places
Where blood scattered mosaic
Clung like leeches to our skin
And the only breakthrough came
When the joker laughing told the truth
Of course we knew our way
The haunting of fortunate men
On some f*cking trip
Into our own hearts
We grew superstitious
Nervous
Soaked in strangeness
Our heads turned
By a sudden beat of wings
Shadows crossing water
Dream voices held no substance
Until the boot splintered wood
Drawing us in
At night we burrowed under crystal air
Cold like Burn's Night in Inverness
Colder
And without
The immense quiet a certain loneliness
We sat hungry in our defence
And were like the stars
Shining out our belief in life
We were immense fools
Hardly men at all
Learning to survive
But hell
We kicked up some dirt, didn't we?
Sometimes we laughed like dogs in the night
We were in love with our purpose
Sure, so sure
Right, so right
As we walked the land
Searching for signs
Shadows cutting lines on broken faces
Mad old men burned blind
Did we deserve our crime?
Watching the clouds drag
We stalked a barren moon
But found only Venus
She was betrayed
Standing out alone
Eyes watching fearfully
Come here
I want to hold you
Pull you close
Hook you to my heart
Wrap my arms around you
Breathe you
Feel you warm to me
As I kiss
The sorrow smile upon your lips
II
Thank you for the e-mail, my friend
It seems I am still here
Knocking back the hours
How 'bout you?
Found your way home yet?
I heard you bled on the old man's plan
Crossing out his pencil marks
With your resistor
Wish I could have been there
To see his dumb bluster
Did he believe his vision?
I think I remember now
He was a marked man without reason
We showed him Venus intact
And he deceived us
Left beauty smashed to pieces
So we buried her heart
And followed his dust-trail to the border
Of course, we were crazy by then
I don't know about you
But she's a part of me now, my friend
Endymion 2007
It's a good thing to stop every once in a while, take stock, recharge the batteries, whatever. It helps the writing, mostly.
yeah - it feels like i spent a week walking 'away' from my poetry and a week 'going back' to it.
kind of a round trip
Always good to hear from you, Edgar
Endymion wrote:yeah - it feels like i spent a week walking 'away' from my poetry and a week 'going back' to it.
kind of a round trip.
Good to see you're back from the trip & writing away again, Endy!
Hi Olga -everyone
On another thread, Aidan said that she'd read 'Without Reason' and mentioned the symbolism - which I realise now does not work without the original one word title, which I had in my head the whole time I was writing it, and which I was too cowardly to stick to. I was wrong.
Here it is again, with its original and proper title -
**********************************************
IRAQ
I
We were following the storm
Set on course for the mighty reform
Tender to the ways of our enemies
We conversed with eagles
In filthy places
Where blood scattered mosaic
Clung like leeches to our skin
And the only breakthrough came
When the joker laughing told the truth
Of course we knew our way
The haunting of fortunate men
On some f*cking trip
Into our own hearts
We grew superstitious
Nervous
Soaked in strangeness
Our heads turned
By a sudden beat of wings
Shadows crossing water
Dream voices held no substance
Until the boot splintered wood
Drawing us in
At night we burrowed under crystal air
Cold like Burn's Night in Inverness
Colder
And without
The immense quiet a certain loneliness
We sat hungry in our defence
And were like the stars
Shining out our belief in life
We were immense fools
Hardly men at all
Learning to survive
But hell
We kicked up some dirt, didn't we?
Sometimes we laughed like dogs in the night
We were in love with our purpose
Sure, so sure
Right, so right
As we walked the land
Searching for signs
Shadows cutting lines on broken faces
Mad old men burned blind
Did we deserve our crime?
Watching the clouds drag
We stalked a barren moon
But found only Venus
She was betrayed
Standing out alone
Eyes watching fearfully
Come here
I want to hold you
Pull you close
Hook you to my heart
Wrap my arms around you
Breathe you
Feel you warm to me
As I kiss
The sorrow smile upon your lips
II
Thank you for the e-mail, my friend
It seems I am still here
Knocking back the hours
How 'bout you?
Found your way home yet?
I heard you bled on the old man's plan
Crossing out his pencil marks
With your resistor
Wish I could have been there
To see his dumb bluster
Did he believe his vision?
I think I remember now
He was a marked man without reason
We showed him Venus intact
And he deceived us
Left beauty smashed to pieces
So we buried her heart
And followed his dust-trail to the border
Of course, we were crazy by then
I don't know about you
But she's a part of me now, my friend
Endymion 2007
Free
Be a free man
Un-strap the burden
Lay it down
Take back all mistakes made
By colossal misunderstanding
Of youth, un-tried
Untested
Forgive thyself
In this dusty desert we call life
Be free of guilt
Humanity shamed
Listen to the gentle rain
And remember
You are already saved
Endymion 2007
I really, really like that last one, Endy.
Both the "sound" & flow of it & what you're actually saying.
...
hey Endy
Awesome work
ever sense you're back you seem more...inspired...or...moved... or whatever the right word is...
Thanks for the encouragement - it means a lot
**********************
Wrote this poem tonight - it's a bit of fun
Get Me Out Of Here
Stand up
Let me look at you
You'll do
Smart as they come
This way, laddie
And give us a smile
A mirror frown
Will scare the ladies
Try it out
Come and meet
The wealthy and elite
Politely greet
Nod
Converse and retreat
Try not to let them see
You're drunk
And spun
By their hypocrisy
They meld
Wrapped in their own
Fascinating selves
Dresses spun
By a thousand slave elves
And 'gentlemen' who raise glasses
To themselves
Duty done
Taxi to the hotel
Change of clothes
Go underground
To where old men read to you
From folded newspapers
And the music is about life
Not death
And there are women dancing in jeans
The whiskey may not be
Of the same quality
But you can't have everything
Endymion 2007
Endy- have you ever noticed how there are common themes that run through the writings on the original writing forum from time to time? I was struck by it when I read your poem. In the past week, after a long dry spell in terms of contributions at all, there've been poems written about worms, gophers, and the allure of the underground. Do you believe in synchronicity?
