The Onion

I don't read the Onion.

Can I put quotes in from Viz instead?

But of course.

Thank you.

Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line

WASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP—I need to convince him to reopen his water,” said the commander-in-chief, assuring aides they must have the royal family’s contact information somewhere since he’d spoken to the Crown Prince of Hormuz many times before. “I plan to warn him that he doesn’t want to take his chances on a war between Hormuz and America. After all, we are two of the world’s greatest superpowers and have long-standing diplomatic ties. I remember him being a very reasonable guy, so I am simply going to remind him what happened when Mr. Panama tried to test me.” Trump added that if he did not hear back from the King of Hormuz within 24 hours, he would have no choice but to attack the capital, Hormuz City.

Published:

March 30, 2026
JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be various woodworking projects and not the establishment of a messianic kingdom,” said Christ, the Light of the World, adding that He was looking forward to finishing the walnut kitchen island He had set aside for His martyrdom two millennia ago. “I realize many of you were looking forward to Me performing various miracles and casting Satan into a lake of fire, but I honestly can’t wait to spend My time building bookshelves, artisanal cabinets, and handcrafted chess sets—you can’t get that perfect rosewood for the pieces in heaven. We didn’t have power tools in Galilee back in the day, so I’m also excited to find out what I can accomplish with a band saw and a router, even if the righteous will, unfortunately, not be resurrected.” The King of Kings went on to request that His followers not pray to Him unless they were potential clients reaching out for an estimate.

Pam Bondi: ‘What Is The DOJ Hiding?’

Published:
July 9, 2025
WASHINGTON—Casting doubts on the agency’s recently released review of the late financier and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference Wednesday to ask what the Department of Justice was hiding. “The department’s memo claims there was no client list and Epstein died by suicide—that’s very suspicious, don’t you think?” said Bondi, who told reporters the deep-state swamp was attempting, as it always does, to shield the rich and powerful from the consequences of their depraved actions. “I have it on good authority from someone on the inside that it’s all rigged, plain and simple. The corruption runs deep. The DOJ cannot be trusted. I mean, there’s a missing minute from the tape they released of his prison cell door. Like, come on, if that’s not a cover up, I don’t know what is.” At press time, Bondi claimed the truth would never come out as long as the compromised leadership of the Justice Department remained in charge.

TRAIN TO HELL VIA RUNCORN.

Avanti West Coast have apologised after a commuter service to Chester was diverted through the fiery pits of Hell. The company assured customers the detour had been to unscheduled trackworks on the North Junction layout and there were no plans for future services to regularly travel through the subterranean abyss of unquenchable flames.

Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today https://theonion.com/biologists-confirm-not-much.../

From an articele called the X Stein files.

"According to the masseuse, the disgraced financier was lying on the table covered only with a towel whilst she got ready to give him his trwatment, when suddenly, Ghislaine Maxwell poked her head round the door. 'We've got someone joining you to give Jeffreys massage today,' she said. 'I'd like you to show the new recruit how to do it,'

Then, according to the statement, an enormous 7 foot lady Bigfoot walked into the room.

The masseuse then started to show her how to rub Jeffrey's back and neck, gently in little circles, working her way down his spine. But the Bigfoot was immensely strong and when she tried it herself, she immediately dislocated the disgraced financier's left shoulder and he began to howl in pain."