Am I wrong for not talking to my brother? How would you react?

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Hello! Id really appreciate some insight of an outsider, who is not my friend so there is no sugar coating. I just want to know if Im dead wrong or its normal to feel this way. So about a month ago I was having a heated conversation with my mom, basically I reminded her of something abusive she did to me when I was a child (she, sat me down on a chair, held my hand heated up a knife and was threatening to burn me with it if I ever said so and so in front of guests... I was 5) She denied it ever happened, and my brother walked in, him and I talked about this incident a few days before and he said it was awful of her to do that(he was present that day, and remembers more since he is older) So my mom kept denying she ever did that, I told her "he even remembers" when I looked at him, he said no "I wasn't there" "don't remember this at all" huge fight broke and I called him a liar and haven't talked to him since, its been 2 months, I have to mention he didn't make any effort either; I just don't feel at wrong here, I GET that he tried to avoid hurting my mom but that was wrong of her to do! I was hurt, and frankly I decided to not make any effort to talk to him again, ever. Unless he does. Am I overreacting? Was he right to lie in order to protect my moms feelings? what about my feelings? FYI we are both adults now. Im 28 and he is 34

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@lenagirl11,

This is a tough one: you say he was there, he now denies it.

Some people black out in traumatic situations. Maybe he was there physically but the scene like that is so overwhelming that perhaps he numbed out., Maybe not even sure what he saw. Maybe he is trying to placate you and agree with you about what happened. Maybe he is truthful when he says he didn’t see it. Or maybe he was protecting you when you two talked about it days before.

You say he is now protecting your mother. Did you talk to him about that? If so he may say it’s because he doesn’t want to get involved between the two of you.

For your validation I suggest that you go to professional counseling and then bring your mother into it later. Is this one of many such acts that she did to you?

People rationalize their awful behavior. My mother was an alcoholic. Many times I had to get her off the floor after passing out and rescue her financially when she was in her 50s 60s and 70s. By the 80s she denied that she ever even drank! There was no use arguing with her at that point. And what good would it have done?

If nothing else your feelings need to be validated. Please sit down and talk with someone about this.

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@lenagirl11,

So, wait, he said a few days before you were talking to your mother that he recalled this incident - and then when pressed to confirm your accusation, clammed up and threw you under the bus?

If that's the case, then you have every single right to be angry. Google the term gaslighting and you'll see what this is, and how damaging it can be.

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@jespah,

Thanks for your reply. And yes that's exactly what happened, me and him talked about it, he even reminded me of details I had forgotten, since I was 5 and he was 12 at the time. He recalled very clearly everything and said that was wrong of her, but when came time to talk to my mom about it he basically denied everything! That's why I was hurt and I feel justified and not talking to him, I just feel he wronged me. I would ve been OK had he said, Hey I dont want to get into this please or something, but nope he actually said it never happened and he doesn't know anything about it ...

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@PUNKEY,

Thanks for your insight, however he actually remembered that day, details and all and we spoke about it 2 days prior to the conversation with my mom. He even said that that was a terrible thing etc From my understanding his logic is that he was trying to avoid putting my mom in bad place, trying to not portray her as the bad guy basically. That really hurt as I was not trying to have a fight with my mother just wanted some sort of "Hey Im sorry" or anything instead I was the one portrayed as a liar ...

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@lenagirl11,

I'm 7 years older than my brother, if what happened to you, happened to him I would have had your back. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed, you were betrayed. Shame on your brother.

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@glitterbag,

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I m usually pretty fair (and firm) with people. I don't feel bad not talking to him but I still wanted to get another opinion, since the "gaslighting family" will soon be telling me that Im overreacting, he didnt do anything wrong yada yada.

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Am I wrong for not talking to my brother? How would you react?

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