He (34m) is still in contact with me (25f) after break up. Advice?

Reply Mon 14 Dec, 2020 11:52 pm
I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family know about me but we haven’t been able to meet due to Covid. He used to call his parents every Sunday but since we’ve been dating, it’s become less and less. To me this is also a sign of being in a relationship with someone. We normally see each other a few times a week, sometimes less or more depending on our schedule. He invites me to all the 'big' things in his life, for example, we were going to go to his medical ball together (he would've been seen with me in front of other girls if there is anything nefarious). When we drive or hangout in different areas together, he likes to look up the prices of houses. He's also said in front of me how cute kids are and that he can't wait to do that one day. Signs to me he's testing my reaction and seeing if I want that as well.

A few months into dating, he asked to make sure that we’re not seeing other people. He isn’t into casual sex and I think exclusivity is important to him. A few months ago I was anxious about what we were - he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend and I thought this is something that he would’ve wanted to do. He’s traditional, wanting something serious such as marriage/family. We had a few talks about the direction of our relationship, he said there were a few things he was a bit concerned about, a few things we maybe didn’t have in common (he’s very risk-averse and overthinks everything). His concerns were things like ‘I like anime and you don’t’ ‘I like fiction books and you don’t’

He’s studying so after that conversation he said he would decide at the end of his exams, his exams have finished now. He went away recently with some of his University friends, he was unsure of whether to go (seemed like he wanted to be with me, haha) and wanted to see me before he left. I’ve felt good about everything between us post-exams as I had a feeling he was going to slowly contact me less and less and try and see me less - due to his uncertainty.

One night on the phone, I told him that I wasn’t quite sure whether continuing to have sex with him was a wise idea as we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. He was confused that I said it was casual. I said ‘well, we aren’t in a relationship’ and he said ‘you are my girlfriend’ I’m certain he went onto say ’I thought we’ve known this since we started dating’ so I then asked him ‘well if I was to meet a new friend of yours that I haven’t met, would you introduce me as your girlfriend? And he said yes. Unfortunately, he has to repeat his exams so I may not be able to see him for a while, I do need to clarify that he actually meant this.

I just wonder why he had this hesitancy a few times when we had the discussion a few months back though? There was even a point where I suggested we should end things because he wasn't so sure and he agreed. Maybe this is natural though and a reflection of his risk-averse attitude about things. There were just some uncertainties on his part. He said he could've been overthinking it. As a result, it sort of made me more anxious and I suggested we should end it.

We were the other day asking to see me and said it’ll be good to have a proper chat about things as we’ve both been putting things off, as so he said.

I got to his house, he said yes I have been his girlfriend all along and he doesn't know why I would think otherwise. He said that he feels it’s not going to work because of our age gap and he claims we're very different people. I personally do not see this as I feel like we share the same values, we're compatible in a lot of areas etc. He told me that he finds me beautiful, loves my sense of humour and that we get along and have fun together. I did mention that we handle conflict differently but our only arguments have been over text/call and since that's such a poor form of communication - it's hard to tell.

He started to cry (this is the most emotion I've seen from him), saying he won't be able to cook me any more dinners and our memories shared together. He then went back and forth and said he doesn't know if he's making the right decision, that he will never find someone like me, I am out of his league etc. He said maybe he's just one big idiot after all and he's made a stupid decision. I was calm in my response and he said "why don't you get angry? this is making it more difficult" in a somewhat cute way. He just kept saying that lately everything has been solidified in his brain that it's probably the most responsible decision. He asked me if I thought he was being unreasonable.

Now I feel like since we've been arguing quite a bit the past few weeks and he's been stressed, possibly his decision is skewed. I hadn't seen him in 2 or 3 weeks due to exams and I asked whether maybe we just got cold feet because of us not seeing each other. I remember months ago he said he sometimes questions us in absence.

We spent over 4 hours talking and it was like he didn't want me to leave nor did I. He then asked if we should go to dinner together. He finally walked me to my car and he couldn't stop crying.

Something in me decided to message him the other morning after I left:

Me - Morning 😊 I don’t know if messaging you is the best idea, but I hope you haven’t woken up too sad. If you ever want to catch up on neutral grounds, a coffee or lunch, don’t hesitate - I still consider you a friend. Even under these circumstances, it was nice to see you last night and I am saddened I won’t be able to have more of them with you. That’s all ❤️

Him - Morning! I was in two minds as to whether to message you with the same sentiment 😅 I feel very much the same. Like you say it’s always nice seeing you, and it’s hard for me to think we won’t be sharing more moments together. I really hope you’re feeling ok today ❤️ Enjoy the rest of your weekend 😊

Me - Aw, well if you’re keen to catch up in a week to come or a few months, let me know. I’m trying to not make this any harder for us but it is difficult. I didn’t react with anger because that’s genuinely not how I feel about us. I miss you, enjoy your morning eggs ❤️

Him - Will do ❤️ miss you too, at least you can have your eggs with olive oil today 😅

Me - These thoughts are best discussed in person but I’m not sure if that can happen and they’re weighing heavy on me. I do think we could work through the issues as I feel there are more positives than negatives. I am aware that the past few weeks have been pretty nasty for the both of us but I’ve been particularly harsh on you. If I don’t hear back from you, I will, of course, assume you do not feel the same way and will accept your decision.

Him - I thought I did explain that although the last month or so has been really difficult, it hasn’t been the main reason why I reached the decision I did. Of course I’m always really happy to talk to you about anything though, so if you still want to talk things through naturally I’m happy to do that 😊

He went onto say that he hates that he's upset me and that it's all really difficult for him but he *thinks* it's all for the best.

I asked that if we decide to have a chat, when is he free as he is starting a new job (again, could be a reason for the breakup) next week.

We caught up and went to the beach together. We had a good time, he just feels at the moment he thinks it’s the best decision, although he isn’t fully confident he’s doing the right thing. He said maybe in a year it’ll make more sense and we realise we’re fit for each other. He said that he told his mother we broke up and she got really angry. Something was quite odd, he told me his friend (who I know) broke up with his girlfriend but they’re back together. We then went back to his for a cup of tea and we talked a bit more. When I left, he said he wants to see me again in a week or 2.

We spoke on the phone the other day and I told him it’s really painful catching up with him and I don’t want to feel like an option to him or being left on the back burner, he said that wasn’t his intention and he would never do that as he has too much respect for me. He said it was hard catching up with me recently as well. He said he agreed to catching up because he felt like it was something I wanted. We spoke a bit more and he said that if he has a change of heart in the future, he won’t just sit on it. He’ll tell me. He told me he hopes I know how beautiful I actually am. I sort joked that all I want is just for him to cuddle me like he used to. He said “Hahaha, don’t be saying stuff like that, this is all hard enough already” I told him that he could call me anytime if he’s feeling rough - he told me it was very sweet of me. We spoke about his recent hair cut and he was sort of texting me, using emojis/words that he used to. He sent me a strange follow up message saying “if it’s any consolation I’ve just been lying around with a bad cold all week”

What are your thoughts?

**TL;DR** 8 months into dating, he finally broke the news to me that we should end what we have based on our age gap and some differences. I have a feeling it could also be because he’s starting his new job as a doctor (admittedly stressful)
Reply Tue 15 Dec, 2020 06:40 am
He's not the only one who's overthinking this.

You got very serious, very fast. Now he wants to pull back.

It's possible he's met someone else who he wants to have sex with. Maybe he already has.

Or maybe he just got cold feet because of exams.

So you'll have to gauge things.

I would say pull back until his exams are done. As in, you send him one text, telling him good luck and you will be spending time with your family to give him a chance to study without interruptions, and you'll talk again once the exams are over.

And that's it. No good morning texts, no how are you phone calls.

You leave him alone, just like you said you would.

And if he has failed his exams once already, then he'll thank you for this, if he's got any sense.

It's up to him to either study and pass, or overthink the relationship, or date someone else or whatever. You'll know what kind of person he is by what he does with that time. He will know what kind of person you are by what you do with that time.

And keep in mind something I learned long before you were born. A guy I had been seriously dating got bored and suggested we see other people. He wasn't prepared for me saying, "Sure! I'll go call Mitch now!" (Insert appropriate name of your choice). Seeing other people, for him, meant messing around while I would sit alone at home and wait for him to get it out of his system.

He was wrong.
Reply Tue 15 Dec, 2020 09:16 am
jespah wrote:

And keep in mind something I learned long before you were born. A guy I had been seriously dating got bored and suggested we see other people. He wasn't prepared for me saying, "Sure! I'll go call Mitch now!" (Insert appropriate name of your choice). Seeing other people, for him, meant messing around while I would sit alone at home and wait for him to get it out of his system.

He was wrong.

Oh God jes, you made me remember something.

A serious, as in years together boyfriend, asked me if I would consider a three some. I was honestly intrigued, and thought for a moment before answering, considering the possibilities.

I said, “Well, yeah, maybe, if I was in charge of picking the other guy”

I never saw someone back track so fast in my life.

I have to say I was a tad disappointed. I had already picked out the guy

Reply Tue 15 Dec, 2020 10:31 am
It wasn't Mitch by chance...?
Reply Tue 15 Dec, 2020 10:57 am
He finished exams. Did you read what I wrote? Thanks.
0 Replies
Reply Tue 15 Dec, 2020 07:52 pm
jespah wrote:

It wasn't Mitch by chance...?

I can neither confirm nor deny
0 Replies

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