@SkydropBill,
I'll tell you a story.
Awhile back, like childhood, I grew up in one of these "Be good and you'll get into heaven" churches. Only, I never felt like I measured up. I worked hard through high school, got through college, then my life kinda... stalled.
Didn't have any idea what sorta work I wanted. Did gardening for people, and fixed computers for my folks. I was frequently depressed, not just because of no direction though. I was kinda without a girlfriend, and growing to understand that I was trans and hated my body. I went to church, I went through the motions, but on some level, I never felt like I brought my whole self to the church. Like I was putting on a costume.
Years passed, and my life kinda... broke. The job I had went nowhere, but then I met this girl and I'm not sure if I can explain this, but her name was Kira and she had this catchphrase "No worries." When I went into midlife crisis because my life wasn't working properly , I kept meeting other girls (and sometimes boys) named Emily or Jackie or Sapphire (or whatever) with the same intense eyes and/or same catchphrase. I must have heard "no worries" like 50 times before I decided on the truth, that it wasn't so much a coincidence, but that God was trying to have a relationship with me.
Eventually, I decided I'm not trans but genderfluid, and became happier than I would have because I feel like I get to choose how I look and feel. Thwen COVID hit, and fucked everything up. Which is also a lesson. God won't let us get too comfy.
Wanna get closer to God?
1. Stop following the rules and take up your cross. AKA let you freak flag fly, only with taking up your cross, there is an implication that you accept the risk of whatever is weird about you.
2. Start developing a relationship with Jesus. All the people you meet have something to say, but at least some of them, God is speaking through them. Through the "least of these" to be sure, but follow any of them, not just the least, and see where this leads. God wants a relationship.
