Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solution?

There is equality between men and women under law. Within the house is another story.

Dominance of one spouse/partner over another is a problem that I have no idea how to correct. It seems to me every time I see or hear about a case, my first question is WHY DO THEY STAY TOGETHER??

So to answer you question, these sterotypes are not going away.

Radical changes take place slowly. Personally, I think in the States we've passed the tipping point. Domestic violence is being reported and dealt with in the legal system. It is no longer a "family" issue. It is out in public.

Obviously there are still violent men and submissive women in the US--we've started reform, but we have a long way to go.

I recall very clearly my optimism in 1980 about women's position in US society. I carried a briefcase, subscribed to "Working Woman" magazine, and started a career in corporate computer support. I even read "Womens' Dress for Success" and wore navy-blue suits. At the time it seemed likely the Equal Rights Amendment would be passed.

Almost all males I've spoken to support the idea that women Should (and Need To) work to support the family. Our incomes have become economically essential. Yet clearly discrimination, stereotyping, and prejudice against females is alive and well in 2005, that is 25 years later. Sometimes it seems to me our working has made only a minute difference in the idea that women are "inferior." Er, why is that????

So... what can I and others who care do, personally? I have some ideas and I hope others will have more...

First, let's talk about it... if domestic violence and prejudice/stereotyping go hand-in-hand, let's talk about stereotyping as a CAUSE of domestic violence.

Nobody likes domestic violence (as far as I can tell), and if we can get rid of it by getting rid of preconceived notions about females' place in society, let's question those notions whenever we hear them.

We can simply state the facts as we know them... ideas about males' power and control over females are the primary cause of domestic violence. This message needs to go out to both males and females.

Second, let's teach children that they are People First, and Male/Female second.

I've seen so many girls who want to grow up to be Princesses that I despair! Who is teaching them this? What is the likelihood of this actually happening?

Why not encourage girls to be Senators, Astronauts, Corporate Executives, or even President of the US? And why not teach boys that violence is no longer an acceptable way to solve problems in this society?

Third, let me state clearly that I didn't, and still don't, dislike men. I love them and am happily married to one of them. I hear a lot of complaints about feminists being angry b*tches who hate all men. There is, in my opinion, some grain of truth to this notion.

Let's work to rid ourselves of the feminist stereotype... feminists can be kind, gentle, and caring. They can wear make-up and dress formally. They can see, as clearly as males can, that there are 2 sides to every story, and they can hear the problems of males as well as the problems of females. They can be rational and calm; they can encourage true equality of the sexes, which does NOT mean punishment of males for "past sins."

Wherever we go and whatever we do, these ideas (about males/females) are all around us. Can we calmly question these ideas, and hope the one person we talk to will talk to others, and so on?

"Why do they stay together?" is a very good question, and FCADV attempted to answer it in the form of: "Why doesn't she just leave?"

FCADV says this is the wrong question. A more productive question might be "Why does he continue to break the law?"

FCADV gives many valid reasons why she stays. First and foremost, evidence clearly indicates that a female who leaves a violent relationship is in a great deal more immediate physical danger than one who stays.

If she is to be murdered, it's a lot more likely that it will happen AFTER she ends the relationship. Violence almost always increases after she leaves, thus her fears are justified. If she defies him by leaving, she and her children are a great deal more likely to be harmed or murdered. She may also find her pets killed and her belongings destroyed when she leaves.

Other reasons include her concerns for her children. She may not be able to financially support her children without 2 incomes. FCADV says "Nearly 1/2 of all female-headed households with children live in poverty, as compared with only 8% of male-headed households."

Her religious ideas about marriage may keep her in the relationship.

Her partner may be extorting her by threatening to report (false or true) claims that she abuses drugs & alcohol, thus saying he will take the children from her if she leaves.

She may believe he will change and become non-violent. He may tell her he will never do such-and-such again, and she wants to believe him. I see many women who believe they can change other people if only their love/caring is strong enough. This is entirely untrue in any situation. The only person one can change is oneself. I try to spread this idea around a lot.

Other reasons... it costs money to leave, sometimes rather a lot of it. If she needs to hire a lawyer to represent her interests, she may literally be unable to afford justice. FCADV says "Major cuts to legal services have hindered even the limited options for legal redress that battered women formerly had."

Some women stay because there is nowhere else to go. Shelters are often full. The one I work at is full, and we are not permitted to take more due to fire regulations. We must turn away women and children in need.

Many women are purposefully isolated from friends, family, and community support by their abusers. They may be denied access to a vehicle, money, or even a telephone. They may believe, after many years of hearing it, that they are stupid, lazy, crazy, sick, or unable to deal with "the real world."

I've been at the shelter for about 6 weeks now. Twice, I've had a hotline call from a female which was closely followed by a call from a male who apparently used *69 to re-dial the last number dialed. In both cases the male was hostile and asked questions like, "What is this place? What did she want? What did you tell her?" Now I might suggest, after a hotline call where the male may soon come home, that the female dial another (more innocent) phone number immediately after hanging up, to cover her tracks, so to speak. This sort of thing is frightening.


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to post some of this stuff! I hope lots of people read it and remember it.

In closing, let me state... these stereotypes will certainly not go away unless we try very hard to make them go away.

Re: Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solut


I would think it would help a lot, but I would imagine there are sociobiological reasons for domestic violence also, which might be more difficult to tackle. For better or worse, men are different from women, and I would imagine that 'naturally' (I please be reassured that I do not equate 'natural' with right, or more excusable), male/female relationships are not equal. I tend to think that the undesirable aspects of human nature are best dealt with by being reapplied in harmless ways, rather than repressed, hence sport, violent video games, etc. The danger, of course, is in providing an outlet, you may also promote the feeling. Difficult.

Regarding ways of changing ideas, Pixar seem to be having a good go at providing male parental role-models/alternative stereotypes, Monster Inc. didn't half make me feel broody...

Re: Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solut


It's possible that you were just complacent, just ignorant, both,or possibly the folks running the class you attended are a bit out to lunch as well.

Since the same patterns of domestic abuse are seen (in very similar numbers) within the gay and lesbian communities and the single greatest predictor of whether or not someone will be abusive is whether or not they observed abuse as a child the "men excercising power and control over women" argument doesn't hold up for long.

Johnson and Ferraro completed a study (circa 1999) that encapsulated severl earlier studies and categorized domestic violence into 5 major categories. Three of those categories - "Common Couple Violence", "Violent Resistance" and "Dysphoric-Borderline Violence" have nothing to do with power or control at all.

A 4th category, "Mutual Violent Control", is completely about control but it is a control issue with both partners. Women are just as likely to engage in this type of abuse as men.

Only their last category - "Intimate Terrorism", has a power and control base that represents the issue of male dominence over women. Unfortunantley, this is the category of abuser that is most likely to make the evening news because this type of abuser is the most violent type. As a percentage of the sum total of abusers though, it is in the minority.

Re: Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solut


Your first sentence makes me wonder whether you're serious... certainly the "as well" part doesn't strengthen your argument. Maybe you should review the rules for this forum.

To return to the facts at hand, the part about witnessing abuse being the single greatest predictor of violence is true according to the FCADV "canon," as is the fact that gay & lesbian coupled have the same rates of violence as hetero couples. Yet they don't seem to think this negates their "power & control" theory. So you think this theory is not very useful, or only useful in a small number of cases?

I've wondered whether the solution could be so... simple as they describe. Not easy to accomplish, mind you, but simple. On the other hand, could judging humans as humans rather than following stereotypes really be a bad thing?

They also taught us that the "Cycle of Violence"* model used to describe this type of abuse for 30+ years only applies in (they say) 51% of known cases. The rest fall into a "Campaign of Violence" model which may have only 1 incident of violence in the whole relationship.

* He abuses her, he apoligizes and says it'll never happen again, things escalate over time, and the cycle begins again.

Re: Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solut


I'm entirely serious and there is absolutely nothing in my comments that violates anything in the site terms of service. You posited that perhaps you had been either complacent or ignorant and simply agreed that those were possibilities and added an additional possibility.



I think their theory has limited application. The theory (aka "The Feminist Theory" as it's known in Sociology) applies only to one segement of the total abuser population and it based on biased data (I'll get to this in a moment). It doesn't deal with the entire spectum of abuse. The fact that the rates of domestic violence are the same in gay/lesbian relationships as they are in hetro relationships immediately calls the "male power and control over women" theory into question since these are male-male or female-female relationships. If the problem is male power over females then the problem shouldn't be seen at all (or in greatly reduced numbers) in same-sex relationships.



Of course it isn't a bad thing but there is also a danger in that the theory itself promotes other stereotypes which aren't good either. The theory also ignores (or plays down) all of the other segements of the abuser population.



The numbers here (the 51%) comes from studies conducted primarily by womens advocacy groups on domestic violence and there are serious questions about that methodology. The studies were conducted over 35 or so years by going to women's shelters and asking clients in those shelters about their experiences. The problem with that sort of data is that the survey results become skewed based on the population segment being questioned. It's like studying the quality of education by only talking to white males attending private schools - the results aren't likely to be representative of the entire population.

Other studies (which have their own faults as well, their numbers are probably low) have shown that some 45% of the entire population (both men and women, adults and children) of the US has suffered one or another form of domestic violence. Of that population about 10% falls into the power & control group and some 85% of that is violence suffered by women from men. When you extrapolate that backout you end up with some 4.5% of the total population being victims of male abusers with power and control issues being the causitive factor. The abusers of that 4.5% of the population are the target of the feminist theory proponents.

There is certianly no problem with trying to go after that population but doing so at the exclusion of the remaining 40% of the population that are also abused isn't, IMO, likely to produce the desired results. The concept of blaming men and power & control issues exclusively is just as likely to result in an increase in victims of abusers that fall into the "Dysphoric-Borderline Violence" category. As that abusers of the remaining 40% continue to abuse others they are creating future abusers - some of who will fall back into that 4.5% being victims of males with power & control issues.

Now, from what I gather you are working in a women's shelter so I would expect that you would be more likely to come into constant contact with that 4.5% of the population on a daily basis and maybe that's why they have presented things to you in the way they have but it's important to remember that you are dealing with a small and distinct portion of the population and that there is a much larger population of abused out there that you may never come in contact with (professionally) and what works in the segement you deal with doesn't necessarily apply to all of the other segments.

Mind you. I'm NOT saying that men with power and control issues shouldn't be addressed - they certianly should be. I'm just saying that there are a host of other issues that need to be dealt with too if we are going to see meaningful reductions in the total levels of domestic violence.

BorisKitten; the problem is a very complex one; based upon the entire history of humanity, and our failing strugle to become truly 'civilized'.

All the vestiges of our primitive past; religion, nationalism, property, and sex, merge into a matrix of misinformation, and traditions that inhibit every effort to break out of the meaningless ties of the past.

[we need a divorce; a divorce from the bonds of biological terrorism]

Re: Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solut

I'm no statistician, but you seem to be making an error here. You state that 45% of the US population has suffered abuse, then seem to assume from this that 45% of the US population have committed abuses. There might be one abuser who abuses 45% of the population, or 99% of the population might be abusers, but only abuse 45% of the population. Could you source your statistics?

Very interesting topic Bkitten!
I agree with Noddy, laws do change for the better on
domestic violence. Police officers receive special training,
there are more shelters for women of domestic abuse
and there is counseling available.

To be honest, my concern are mostly the children involved
in domestic violence. I recognize a battered women syndrome and that many abused women will go back to
their abuser in hopes for a better situation - until the
next incident occurs. Yet these women have an option
to call the police, to get help when needed and to get out
of an abusive relationship. But what about the children,
who are mostly abused as well?

Boris, I remember your story and how you have emerged
as a beautiful human being trying to help others in similar
situations. Did you have a place to go to, or someone to confide
in, who would have taken you out of the house?

Domestic violence is often a concealed, dark secret the
family guards very carefully. Children have no one to confide in:
their mothers are usually victims as well, and
they are afraid, frightened and intimidated by the violence
at home, they rarely call authorities for help.

So many abused women will go back to their violent spouses,
dragging the children along without considering
their frightening situation.

Does anyone remember the Nussbaum/Steinberg drama?
Hedda Nussbaum was abused for years by Joel Steinberg.
he tormented and terrorized her in ways, that is beyond
our comprehension. Yet, Joel also abused their daughter
Lisa repeatedly, and she ultimately died due to the injuries
inflicted upon her little undernourished body.

The police was called on numerous occasion by Hedda,
unfortunately, she always went back to Joel. It was her choice to make, my question is: Why wasn't Lisa taken from the home? Why wasn't
there an investigation to see if the children are abused as well, which is mostly the case. Why aren't children removed from homes where domestic violence is a repetitive offense?

In order to stop domestic violence, we must look to our
children and educate them first,
so why don't we do more for them,
when they're indeed in such a violent surrounding
without any support system for them?

Re: Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solut


You are absolutely correct.

The problem with these sort of stats is that there is no real source for the number of actual abusers. All of the studies rely on abuse that is reported (typically either through court records, mailed surveys or in shelters) and they don't accurately account for one person abusing multiple others so this sort of thing is fairly common in discussions of domestic abuse but I should have been more careful in how I worded things.

Good catch!

(I went back and edited the original post to try and keep teh wording consistant. )

Re: Domestic Violence, Politics, and Stereotyping....A Solut


Here I must agree completely. I think attributing all domestic violence to this one pattern must be simplifying things, partly because people and their relationships are just more complicated than FCADV's description.

That doesn't mean the description isn't useful or helpful, but my gut feeling says the theory over-simplifies the issue (which is why I wanted to start this thread in the first place).

After much thought and reading on A2K and other places, my conclusion has to be, if we somehow managed to rid ourselves of gender-based stereotypes and prejudice, domestic violence would NOT simply vanish.

On the other hand, this doesn't mean that bringing these stereotypes to the attention of others is a waste of time. I think that effort is still very much worthwhile. I think all stereotypes are an excuse not to think for ourselves, and thinking clearly is a big part of what allows us to be civilized in the first place.



So around half of all people in the US have suffered from domestic violence? YIKES!

I find this shocking. I hope other readers do too. My feeling is that, in the US, we go about congratulating ourselves on how civilized we are. Maybe that's a position we should rethink?



Ignoring any fault with these numbers... Yes, I do work in a shelter for WOMEN AND CHILDREN ONLY. So who knows how many males are excluded from my work? Not only that, many other segments of the population are excluded from my job.... for instance, all of the women who don't need a place to live. So clearly my view is skewed.

So far the majority of the women I've met in the shelter describe abusers' behavior in very much the same way FCADV does. These women have remarked many times that descriptions of their abusers' behavior are so similar, they have an eerie feeling sometimes they are all talking about the same person. More than once, the very same sentence has been uttered by 2 or 3 abusers almost word-for-word. These women have been blamed for the abuse by their abusers on the basis that they did not fulfill their societal role.

I do think a meaningful reduction in domestic violence could be accomplished by ridding ourselves of gender-based stereotypes. I just don't think it would disappear completely.

Things were VERY different in the US when I was abused as a child in the 1960's and early 1970's. Things really have improved since then.

Virtually all of us (5 siblings) reported the abuse outside of the family at one time or another... to the family doctor, our teachers, and religious authorities. Not only was nothing accomplished by our efforts, the efforts often backfired, causing a report back to our father which increased the abuse. It's a great deal more likely now that the result of such efforts would be positive.



I've talked to many of these women, and have been shocked by their disregard for their own children. Many times I've redirected conversations away from talk of their abuser to their children... and many times I've felt these women were so involved with their abuser they did not have emotional room left over in which to fit the needs of their children.



There are little shreds of good news for children in these situations. Our shelter is small, only allowing room for 16 individuals. Yet we have 2 counsellors for children only, one working in the shelter (part-time) and one in the office for Outreach services.

In addition, DCF (the Department of Children and Families) has removed some of these children from abusive families. They will, on a report of child abuse, go into the home and inspect the children and their lifestyle, even checking the refrigerator to see if the children have sufficient and healthy food.

Yet I know of several cases where the father (the abuser in these cases) reports the mother as abusing the children herself. In one case I know, the abuser was given sole custody of the children on this basis.

DCF is perpetually overloaded with cases and understaffed, making mistakes like this more likely. The good news is that we as a society are at least trying now, where 30-40 years ago there was no hope at all for kids in these situations.

We have 10 children in our shelter right now. I try hard, on my shift, to pay attention to them, to give them just a little time to play as kids. Yesterday I spent an hour blowing bubbles with a 4-year-old girl. I was so happy to see her laugh! Her previous silence was really heartbreaking.

Indiana's Shame Teardrops for Katelynn
Indiana's Shame Teardrops for Katelynn:
My little one is being abused by a father and his new wife . The state has overlooked and downright ignores the abuse. THis is in the face of overwhelming evidence that was never admitted in a court despite many to have it reviewed. THere were doctors reports, counselors, child advocates and even photographs of her being abused. THe CPS refused to even act on it even when her doctors and other professionals were calling on behalf of her safety. I am know threatened with jail for trying to protect her even in the face of the fact there are and have never been to my knowledge allegations of any kind of abuse against me .
She was turned over to her abusive father and his wife . Her brother and I have not been allowed to see her or even speak to her in many months. I have lost my savings, my house ,and jobs trying to pay attorney and court costs trying to protect her and finally I face the real possibility of losing my freedom thus leaving her without anyone to fight this unfair system , she and her brother are trapped in, on there behalf. So, I, no we need help. I still believe there are people out there who stand up for what is right and I hope I will find you . I do this for the love of Katelynn


TEARDROPS FOR KATELYNN:
""Still,
if you will not fight for the right when you can easily win without bloodshed,
if you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly,
you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival.
There may even be a worse case.
You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory,
because it is better to perish than live as slaves."
~Winston Churchill

"Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties,
and so bear ourselves that if we as a people last for a thousand years, people will still say,

This was their finest hour!"

Indiana's Shame the Abuse OF Katelynn:
Partial Chronology
Note : this DOES NOT include 500+ additional pages of evidence an attorney gave me

1996:
* I separate from abuser after I am assaulted by abuser.

* Little daughter returned by abuser hurt sees family doctor.

* Abuser assaults me and kids while trying to abducted little daughter.

* Police statements taken.

* Arrest warranted issued for abuser and protection order put in place. Other
court Excludes little daughter from protection order.

* Abuser arrested outstanding bench warrant found in next county abuser
extradited.

* Minister of abusers church bails him out.

* I file for divorce and temporary custody granted to me and restraining order
placed Against abuser little daughter excluded from restraining order.

* I request Guardian Ad Litem for little daughter.

* Ad litem submits report recommends abuser visits every weekend. Judge grants
1996:

* Temporary Order issued

1998:

* Letter from Domestic violence counselor abuser refuses contact via phone or in
Person. Court does nothing.

1999:

* Little daughter crying of owie in butt from girlfriends son.

* Little daughter seen by family physician, refers to sexual abuse hospital.

* Little daughter is seen at sexual abuse hospital.

* Little daughter returned crying abuser's girlfriend slapped in face, spanked
repeatedly for pottying in pants and is jerked out of bed.
Little daughter seeing child psychologist

* Little daughter returned crying is hurt when abuser and girlfriend involve
little daughter in domestic violence fight. Abuser and girlfriend separate.

2001:

* Little daughter returned home sick, it is winter little daughter has no
outerwear abuser and parents kept. Abuser?s parents refusing to return.

* Little daughter crying abuser takes little daughter to abuser?s parents house
calls mother dirty names, new girlfriend plays spanking game with little daughter ,
new girlfriend accuses brother of spying.

* Little daughter crying Abuser's new girlfriend threatens little daughter not
to go near mother, drags little daughter is dragged by shoulder blade across 5
people

* Sitting in chairs, forced to pray on knees for being bad, threatened mother if
refusal and beatings.

* Little daughter crying returned by abuser , abuser and girlfriend threatens to
beat her for being bad since they can't force her to pray.

* Court threatens to give little daughter to abuser if little daughter doesn't?t
go on visits

* Little daughter threatened to be struck repeatedly by abuser if she doesn't?t
tell Abuser what little daughter told mother.
* I speaks to child protection services about concerns. child protection
services speak Children. Says he can't help.

* Abuser remarries at wedding little daughter is burned with curling iron on
forearm. burn is blistering, seeping fluid and about an inch and 1/2 long.
And her underwear is removed.

*Abuser returns little daughter with bruising on upper arm and forearm brother
sees

* I speak to town police they refuse to get involved. Town police send me to adjoining town.

* Police statements taken and child protective services open investigation.

* Within week after child protection service talks to abuser on phone only

* investigation dropped by child protection services.


* Child protection worker visits my home.

* Family doctor makes report to child protection agency against abuser after
doctor Visit regarding abuser.

* Legal services mails letter stating no funds to help.

* Little daughter agitated and crying . There is red mark from kneecap to ankle.
Little daughter talks about wife rubbing her butt ?feels like sawing in half?
booby traps, her book of wrongs, taken to another county where wife beats her,
chemicals sprayed in her eyes and more.

* I report again to child protection services. Little daughter tells worker
herself.

* Child protection services refuses to help, says they can't get involved since it civil matter.

* I go to domestic violence shelter. Advocate advises child psychologist,
and keep journal.

* Little daughter starts therapy with domestic violence recommended.

* Little daughter returned crying brother no longer welcome for tell child
protection Service worker about abuse.

2002:

*Legal services mails letter stating no funds to help.

* Little daughter agitated and crying . There is red mark from kneecap to
ankle. Little daughter talks about wife rubbing her butt feels like sawing in half?
booby traps, her book of wrongs, taken to another county where wife

beats her, chemicals sprayed in her eyes and more.

* I report again to child protection services. Little daughter tells
worker herself. Child protection services refuses to help.

*I go to domestic violence shelter. Advocate advises child psychologist,
and keep journal.


* Little daughter starts therapy with child psychologist referred by domestic violence safe house recommends.

* Little daughter returned crying brother no longer welcome for tell child protection
Service worker about abuse.

* Little daughter returned crying says she is so hungry.

* After abuser refuses to bring little daughter home I speak to town
police. Town police refuse to get involved.

* Little daughter suicidal over book of wrongs wants to die. Little
daughter says she cannot fix all her wrongs little daughter is tired.

* Abuser's wife tries to run me and children off road. I flee with
children to safe house.

* Court places Protection order against abuser's wife on behalf of me and
little daughter. Ad litem compels visit on contingency abuser promises to keep
wife not around little daughter. This is not complied with. ad litem doesn't believe.

*Little daughter's Psychologist goes to child Protection Services with me to
demand casa for little daughter since part of abuse happened in nearby county.

*Child Protection Agency refuses casa worker for little daughter and
refuses to investigate.

* Little daughter referred to new woman counselor.

* New counselor files initial assessment . Summary notes little daughter
suicidal , intensive fear of abuser and adjustment disorder stemming from abuse.
Counselor places little daughter on suicide watch while in safe house.

* While in safe house ad litem compels me to turn little daughter over to abuser.

* Abuser promptly forces little daughter to divulge location of safe house,
threatens little daughter with violence, call mother names to little
daughter, picks fingernail polish off little daughters fingers with
abusers fingernails, abuser tells little daughter again child protection agency on his
side.

* Safe house counselor promptly issues safe phone to me they are
concerned for our safety.

* Safe house child advocate files statement of little daughter telling
advocate of abuse

Indiana's Shame A Brother's Cries for Katelynn:
What follows is a little of what her brother can talk about. Brother says other is to painful to talk about know and the the only other eyewitness to her abuse cries to save his baby sister:

Dear Hero's,
I witnessed my mother face overwhelming odds in gaining justice for my sister.
Most of the law and legal officials in my area refuse to help. You see my sister
is being abused by her father and his new wife. In this area everyone has played
hush-hush, and my sister continue for a while. The court problem arose, when mom
attempted to press charges against him. even with my sister told the CPS and
police what happened nothing happened. You see my sister came back to our house
with 2 bruises about the size of a quarter bruises on her arm, and she said that
her step mommy got mad and picked her up off her feet. I used to think of this
step father as a real father was there. I heard my precious little angel yell
DADDY! He ran in there, I thought that the
father did something to help his daughter. Instead he decided to comfort his
wife. As the abuse went on My sister was told by her grandmother that "If you
don't shut up i'll whip you". Her father even threatened her life. From this her
father decided to file for custody of my sister. After a one sided court battle,
in which the GAL wrote bias reports. On of the courts arguments to give her father Custody was
that i reported the abuse to CPS, and the police. You see I saw this court
attempt and succeed to sacrifice my sister because appearances are deceiving.
Just because you look good doesn't mean you are good. Currently the only thing that can be held against me is my age.While i am currently job hunting and do have a part time job, that won't
enough. The Week that my mother pressed charges that was glossed over. The court also might try to say no because of my race. In the court papers there was a ban put on me seeing my sister while she was forced into foster care. Apparently having the same mom doesn't count.
Also what follows is some of what katelynn's brother saw: My moms marriage to my baby sister father was very rocky. One of the reasons they broke up was because of My older brother. He was very hard on my brother. During the marriage her father was thrown out of the house at least twice
because of what happened to my brother. Her father would often punish my brother
to hard. . Once to punish my brother her father took him to the backyard of our
house and shot his ninja turtles with a bee-bee gun. I watched out the window of
our bedroom. The second to last time her father was thrown out my mother would
only let him come back until he went to counseling with my brother. One visit I
went there and played Mario brothers on the nintendo there. The last time her
father was thrown out was after dinner. On a different night after I ate dinner
I then went to bed in my bunk bed. Yet I couldn't fall asleep. I heard Mom and
her father arguing. My mom said "get your hands off me", "don't throw coffee on
me", "and get out". Around this time they argued a lot so all I did was
listened. I woke up the next morning and he was gone I was shocked, yet I
shouldn't have been. While they were separated this time I went over to see her
father at his mom's house. At this time I was around 10 or 11 years old, and her
father had been like a father to me. Around this time we moved to a new house
and it had to be fumigated. When this happens we didn't go back into the house
for the rest of the day. My mom for some reason asked if we could stay the night
with her father. Being the true gentleman he was e said no, go live in your car
for all I care. Then one day her father came over and attacked my mom and my
family and tried to take my sister. It started by him coming over. When that
happened my mom told me to go up stairs, yet natured called and i wanted to know
what was going so I watched from the bathroom which wasn't far from the living
room so I listened to them argue some more. The basic argument was that her
father wanted to take my sister from my family and never return. One moment I
looked out and the next moment I look out and her father was bending my moms arm
back while my relatively new born sister was in her other arm. I don't know what
came over me but I went over and tried to restrain him. If I wasn't around ten
at the time I would have succeeded. Yet I didn't her father let go of my moms
arm and bumped his elbow to my face. With this time my mom yelled for my 17 year
old brother. At that time he ran down the stairs but her father was already
waiting for him and clocked him good. While he lay on the ground stunned her
father tried to hit him again. Much to his dismay my mom jumped him to prevent
him from hitting my brother. He stopped and some how ended up near the door
where my older sister came out of nowhere with a broom, and she got him then.
Her father than took the broom away and broke than stormed out. At the time I
watched stunned I couldn't believe what had just happened. I found out later
from reading the papers her father went from there straight to the local police
and told that he came over and attacked my family and that we wouldn't give up
my sister. I went with my sister to her dad. Later after my mom called the
police, first the local, no one came, then she called the county once more no
one came, than she called the state and then the local police came up. They took
a statement from my mom. There was talk of pressing child abuse charges yet my
mom said she didn't want to have my older brother and sister, and myself testify
in court. So she filed charges for attacking her. Then my sister's father gets
anger management and 2 years non reporting probation. Her father than later
began dating a woman. At first I didn't care. My sister always scratched her
head, so my mom went to the hospital to see what was going on. The doctor told
her that my sister

Indiana's Shame A Brother's's Teardrops For Katelynn:
I am katelynn's brother. katelynn was old enough to talk. Everything revolves around when her father is seeing a woman. It just exploded than. It started with the spanking game. and went on to her coming home with a black eye. They than forgot to feed or feed very much food her on a regular basis. The only reason I know about some of this is because I was there on some of it. I was allowed until my 17th birthday when mom went to the police the first time. I haven't been to see her father sense then ironically it was in toward the end of 2001 and at the beginning of 2002. And as you can see it only got better from their. It evolved to being chased by anyone and everyone and most legal officials and psychologist trying to help her father take her. The thing is looks are deceiving. Just because you look homey doesn't't mean you are. My mom worked hard to support my family and I will always be proud of her for that. Yet I never thought it would be used against her. The thing that strikes me the most is the GAL. In all his reports he writes about everyone but kati's dad and his wife being responsible for her getting hurt while in their care. I never knew it was katelynn's responsibility for her father's wife hurting her. This is in one of the last reports by the GAL. . Pictures and doctors reports tend to argue otherwise on that. Oh!, and there is the excuse that her dad's wife is too small to hurt anyone. She is quite petit, yet unlike katelynn she is fully grown and has her full strength. Naturally I hold Katelynn's dad and his wife in low regard. I don't want to overwhelm you, but this has custody battle has grown to consume this part of my life. I won't stop until katelynn is free! . These people still have katelynn and last time they found out someone was trying to get katelynn away from her father they placed her in foster care for about two months. And they have shown a pension for going after katelynn, and while I want her safe I won't risk her safety at all! The most ironic part is when my mom was married to katelynn's's father, him and I were always together. I was about 5 or 6, and he was the father figure I never had than. And now I am one of the people he despises most. The reason mom divorced him was because he was abusive to my older brother. My mom divorced him and the first custody battle started. And we eventually reached this point.

Interesting topic, and a great thing to talk about!

First, i want to say: It's wonderful that you are trying to help and educate yourself. What a great act of caring!

As naive as this may sound, I think talking about this openily is one of the most important things in stopping it. It has to be a given, or nothing can be accomplished.
Talk about it openly in private AND public. Never let an act of abuse just 'pass' without making a point of showing you will not tolerate it.

Abuse is usually perpetuated under the cover of secrets, fear, and shame. It's hard to fight for a way out if you can't imagine any other options.
There needs to be support systems available; there is no doubt.
In my opinion, we need more 'grassroots' support, and less gov't intervention. Families and individuals need to take a stand, and be there for those in their community. We need to be aware that other people's problems don't just affect them. The work isn't charity: it's protecting our own.

People need to wake up to the fact that the US is a violent place to live. Canada is not the paradise that many make it out to be either. We've got our problems like everyone else. Domestic violence, rape, and abuse are prevalent. More often than not we are being hurt by people who are supposed to 'care' about us.

It's important to dissolve the stereotypes, but I truly believe that alone won't make domestic abuse go away.
Men, women, and even kids! are active abusers.
It's not just the stereotype that drives the behavior.

It's pretty basic that a human that abuses is trying to gain control because their own life feels out of control to them. A strong developed personality does not abuse.
This can manifest in all sorts of ways. They may feel out of control for all sorts of reasons. Ultimately, they need help.
The first priority though, is to get the ones being hurt out of the situation.
They are in a disempowered position. They need help and a lot of patience.

So, what to do?
Here's my ideas:
1) Don't put blame on the 'culture'. Take personal responsibility not to abuse, and to stand up for those being abused.
2) Work to strengthen your own family and community ties.
3) Be aware that you can't change everything or help everyone.
4) Know that if you manage to help even one person to overcome an abusive situation, you have done a lot to the bettering of the situation.
5) Listen and give voice to those who were abused.
Those who have come out of abusive relationships, and have moved beyond it, are powerful assets to the cause.
6) Become educated and educate your kids.

thanks

rdlght, what a horrifying story! I don't understand why, given the huge amount of evidence, your daughter has not been protected.

If I were you, I'd ask for more help. Have you told this to your local newspaper? How about writing to your Congressman?

I would try to publicize your situation as much as possible, to local or national politicians, reporters, and national authorities like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Maybe the internet has other places you can post your story as well.

I'm deeply saddened that "the system" has apparently failed to protect your daughter. Being overworked & underpaid is part of the problem... but if people aren't helping, it's time to ask other people to help.

I can't imagine how this has affected your life. My heart goes out to you. Please keep posting on A2K and let us know how things progress. How I wish I could just fix this for you!

flushd, wow, those are great ideas!

I agree that more grassroots support is needed. It seems government & its organizations are so stretched with lack of funds & employees, they're almost helpless in the face of such rampant abuse.

I hope lots of folks read your wonderful ideas, and act on them! Thanks so much for your thoughtful post.