Preliminary A2K Elections (#1)

Hmmm... can I change my vote?

Exciting Election Campaign Yields Mixed Results
Love and Beauty Party attempts to stave off looming defeat by co-opting candidates

Atookai Today
Atookai City, 25 April 2005

After a first heady week of campaigning, the A2K elections remain an unpredictable race as polling day approaches. Results so far seem to put Sozobe and Dys in clear leads in two of the three primaries, while Farmerman and Dlowan are set for a photo finish in the third. Candidates meanwhile are joining forces in what is sometimes a murky scene of intricate and volatile pacts and tit-for-tats.

Analysis

It's been an eventful campaign in these first A2K elections, that much everybody agrees on.

An eye-catching piece of electoral reform pushed into existence by SCoates, the "A2K elections" have spilled into as many as ten separate threads. Three primary races are still in full swing right now, with the final vote scheduled for May 4-6.

A hearts-winning zest for campaigning, however, has gone hand in hand with a fair share of mud-slinging and backroom dealing, with individual candidates increasingly allying themselves in one of three distinct groupings.

The results in so far in any case show clear hints of who has a good chance of winning, and who's headed for defeat.

Primary #1

In primary #1, Sozobe is enjoying a clear lead, with no less than 24% of the vote in a field of nine. Gustav Ratzenhofer, who was considered the clear favourite beforehand, so far is trailing in second place with 17%. Nimh is in third place with 12%, but has from the start pledged to throw his votes behind Sozobe's candidature.

Though the elections so far have seen no shortage of surprises, it is hard to imagine how the Sozobe juggernaut can still be stopped in this race. Her lead is all the more impressive considering she hasn't actually campaigned herself at all. A wild card in the race however is the candidate who threatened to kill everyone who didn't vote for him, Slappy Doo Hoo. He currently has 9% of the vote.

Primary #2

Primary #2 for now is still a dead heat of a race, with Farmerman currently ahead with 23% but Dlowan close behind with 21% of the vote.

The primary has been the scene of some bitter clashes between rival campaigns, but nevertheless - or perhaps because of it - the race is lead by two candidates who kept a low profile throughout, and in fact seem to share similar outlooks and convictions. Lord Ellpus, a latecomer to the race who enjoys tremendous personal popularity as one of Atookai's favourite comic personalities, has comparably fared surprisingly weakly, and now is in third place with 13% of the vote.

Primary #2 is definitely the most colourful of the races. Georgeob1, currently at just 3% of the vote, has implied he'll stage a putsch after the elections; SCoates, the man who pioneered the elections in the first place, is putting up a spirited solo fight which has taken him to 7% of the vote, and mystery candidate Zippy (at 9%) is touring Atookai with a campaign bus, exhorting voters to support Farmerman rather than him.

Primary #3

Dys took an early lead in the primary that was launched with a delay, and is still comfortably ahead with 20% of the vote.

Behind him, however, a field of prolific candidates is shaping up a challenge. Joe from Chicago, the sharp-tongued intellect, is at 13%, while Eva and Noddy share a third place with the late Cavfancier at 11%.

Eva is the leader of the Love and Beauty Party, which has outdone all other campaigns in terms of outreach and activity. It has promised fountains of chocolate and fast cars for all Atookaians and famously added an almost-naked model on its election posters to attract the male vote, only to take her off again later.

Though Eva herself has fared rather poorly, the party has made headway instead in co-opting fellow candidates in the primary. Noddy was the first to give the nod to Love and Beauty, followed by Littlek who has 8% in this race. Even Dys himself is heard to quip that he "sold [his] vote to Eva". If that's true, that would virtually guarantee Love and Beauty victory in Primary #3.

Of love, bribes and grumpy old men ...

The Love and Beauty Party was actually a latecomer to the burgeoning alliances in the election campaign.

The first coalition that emerged was one that initially seemed to all but guarantee a clear victory. When Gustav Ratzenhofer, Kickycan and Lord Ellpus joined forces, it was enough to momentarily cow rival candidates. The three funniest men of the board seemed to pose an unbeatable ticket.

Results, however, have not met expectations so far. Gus and Ellpus are trailing and Kickycan is doing so weakly it is murmured he might switch tickets instead. Some commentators do observe that Gus himself has so far refrained from campaiging. If he gears into action, the dynamic of the race might still change. Others though insist that the ticket seems spent before it even properly took off.

They point in particular to the scandal surrounding the attempted bribing of electors by shady henchmen. After it broke, it was easy for rival campaigns to dub the "GKE" ticket as the "Grumpy Old Men" or "Big Money Party".

... and a surprisingly serious alternative

The biggest surprise of the race so far must be the excellent results of the Sozobe/Farmerman ticket. The two candidates were joined in a campaign that saw a distinct focus on programmatic issues and few of the attention-grabbing public appearances that characterised other campaigns.

The secret behind their success is said to be sheer likeability as much as the clear choices the ticket has made on policy, espousing a broad Progressive agenda with a particular focus on farmer's and animal rights. It is reflected in their slogan, "You know it makes sense ... do it for the sheep."

Off the record, however, staff members of rival campaigns complain that the two leaders remain largely invisible themselves, and instead rely on external campaigning of sometimes dubious character. Who exactly is Zippy, they ask, and one even went as far as suggesting both candidates would have two votes less if it wasn't for outright fraud.

Zippy himself however volunteered to comment to this newspaper in person. "Sozobe and Farmerman are simply the best candidates around", he told us, "and since I can be a bumbling fool myself I would rather see my supporters vote for them than for me".

An eye-catching campaign turns out good news for partygoers - but is it good for the party?

The Love and Beauty Party coalesced quite late in the race, but soon dominated media coverage of the race with hedonistic campaign events and ubiquitously cross-posted campaign material.

Its "all for everyone" approach guaranteed some of the campaign's most festive moments. But detractors in turn dubbed the campaign the "Sex and Bribes" party.

Either way, as results started coming in it soon became clear that none of its candidates was making much of a dent. Dagmaraka and Gautam so far are not well placed to make it past their respective primaries at all, and Eva might only just make it.

The Party seems to be making a spirited attempt to stave off ignonimous defeat, however, by co-opting ever new candidates, with notable success in Primary #3.

The strategy is not without risks though. The campaign has several times trumpeted the support of candidates who later turned out never to have been asked about it themselves.

Sometimes the gamble pays off, as when Littlek happily accepted having been included. But rival campaigns are questioning in particular the repeated use of Primary #2 runner-up Dlowan on Love and Beauty election posters. Dlowan, they note, was in fact openly doubting possible allegiances until today.

Breaking news: just today, Dlowan in fact opted for the Sozobe/Farmerman ticket instead.

The dark horse of the campaign is Frank Apisa, the highly independent candidate in Primary #3 who rushed to the scene with some delay today pledging to "piss off tons of people". He currently holds 4% of the vote.

i can say "it's hard work" with a very serious face. and maybe if i drink enough with the boys, i'll eventually discover god and become a born again christian. i have a few days... i'll work on it.

No bunny. I am true to my colors. I am not a coat that drifts as the wind blows, as we clever Slovaks say. We will pray for you and for other mistaken souls and welcome you back anytime you decide to come back home.

<pffft, where the dang is my winchester gun?>

ATTENTION:
Love and Beauty Party announces that during the Sunday mass we will pray for all the lost and misguided souls in this world. Come rejoice in the spirit of love and belonging.

There will also be a Welcoming Ball for our new members: present will be famous cartoonists, there will be a cat show, flow of hot chocolate, and a music-of-your-choice ball.
Australians especially welcome!

Oh no, we didn't send her. In fact we are praying for her lost soul for many hours now. Somebody else has done it. Ask at the headquarters of the KEG party for comment.

yes, there certainly are worse cases in the psychiatric ward. that gives us all hope that she will get better soon. our prayers are with her.

VOTE FOR GUS,
'COS HE LOVES US.

Breaking news: Dlowan proclaimed stricken with the same disease as Kickycan of the KEG party and has been ushered immediately to a psychiatric ward for a complete general examination.

Love and Beauty Party is announcing a Welcoming Ball, with braised rabbit as a main course for dinner. All welcome, members or not!