Campaign Manager Arrested on Ethics Charges
(AP) NEW YORK CITY -- Today at 4 p.m. EST, agents of the A2K Election Board, assisted by officials of the Associated Press, stormed the headquarters of the gustavratzenhofer/kickycan/Lord Ellpus campaign and arrested its manager and press spokesman, kickycan. Multiple counts of ethics violations were cited.
Heavily armed A2K agents interrupted the campaign manager as he was attempting to hijack the AP wire service to distribute malicious and misleading information about political rivals, the Love & Beauty Party. An insider tip was credited with giving A2K the precise whereabouts of the nefarious kickycan, who was reported to have been overheard planning the scheme with his fellow party members, Ellpus and ratzenhofer. Kickycan was apprehended after a short but violent burst of gunfire which injured two AP officials. The campaign manager was seriously wounded by a gunshot to the head. He was taken to the nearest hospital where he remains in critical but stable condition, under heavy guard. Attending doctors have indicated that he will be under constant observation for the next few days, as paranoia and incoherent ramblings are to be expected with this type of head injury. They hope to limit his contact with the outside world while they administer heavy doses of opiate-derived medications in order to control his condition. A hospital press conference is scheduled for 10 a.m. tomorrow.
Spokesmen for the Love & Beauty Party declined to comment on the arrest, but their leader, Eva, released the following statement: "We wish to clarify previously printed reports relating to our party. We have no ties to any cult organizations, nor have we ever been associated with any person or group that believes in ritualistic sacrifice, necrophilia, kidnapping or torture. Mr. Herbert Cloen was dismissed from our employ once it was discovered that he had secret ties to several right-wing Christian evangelical organizations that are opposed to our Friday night chocolate orgies. Our thoughts and best wishes are with kickycan at this difficult time. While we are saddened by his recent allegations against us, we wish him the best and hope for his speedy recovery."
