!! Liked your last post, JL.
Dreaming is so seductive too. So, so seductive. Foul temptress!
Somewhere here Ash spoke about pouring hot tea in someone's lap. And I've read stories, in Zen books lol, about incidents like that to help 'wake up' somebody.
Makes sense to me now! It's that zolt, that push, shaking up of old crap.
This is just a bit of a ramble, my apologizes in advance. Working out a thing out of my system...
In my life, I have often been drawn to rather extreme activities. Some healthy, some rather harmful. BUT - it's that feeling of being alive I've been after.
That zolt. That 'wake up'.
Lots of violence and physicality in my life, periods of strong shock.
Can relate to self-harmers, in a fashion, bc of the risky reckless activity I have pursued or been in the environment of.
Lots of time and mind on negativity, death, a fascination with horror and gore.
The main thrust behind it being: to feel real, to feel anything, to EXIST.
Point: focusing on pain can be a way of avoiding dealing with pain - and reality! It just sorta clicked today. How that isnt necessary. Isn't going deep enough. Is where I've been stuck for so long.
Been avoiding by holding to pain. My mind has a twisted time of that, and I was trying to shake it with my mind.
And, yeah, I meditated today. lol
............More and more enlightenment seems to me to be actually being a human who can really live. Not trying to control the whole deal, just showing up and letting it be.
But enough now. lol. Makes me happy that. A weight lifted.