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Fri 11 Mar, 2005 11:31 am
This is a revised version of an original poem from 11/03.
'Notes'
(for JD)
About those notes:
You know, (no, you don't really)
notes that I still write to you,
foolish notes you've never seen
-and birds -I think of birds' notes too-
I mean those birds that sing their mating songs,
Do they keep doing, doing, doing, doing,
even though the thing went wrong?
or does a bird just go away?
Does he finally fly?
Will he simply stop his song?
Or does it slowly, slowly, die?
...Still the solitary notes continue,
still repeat a quiet song,
slowly, softly, sadly, singing
...too long...too long...
...too long...to long...
-jjorge
TO THE READER:
Please don't worry. Although the poem comes from my own experience, I am not currently feeling THAT sad.
Ah, jjorge, I remember this poem quite well. I love your revision, but I would suggest that you change the last line to "...perhaps I've been here too long...."
I also remember your thread on Abuzz concerning Our Town. :wink:
Letty wrote:Ah, jjorge, I remember this poem quite well. I love your revision, but I would suggest that you change the last line to "...perhaps I've been here too long...."
I also remember your thread on Abuzz concerning Our Town. :wink:
Thanks letty. I'll think about your suggestion.
The abuzz thread was 'Thoughts On Time and Mortality'. I may have downloaded that thread onto a disk before abuzz expired.
There were many wonderful threads on abuzz. It's sad to think of them as all lost now.
I think I've got it Letty. (see change above)
Ah, jjorge. That flows, really flows. I love it!
thankee my friend, and thanks for your help.
still tinkering with this
jjorge, remember the advice of Langston Hughes.
"If it comes out of you; it will be true."
I am no longer inspired to write poetry, my friend. You please continue for me.
Letty wrote:
...I am no longer inspired to write poetry, my friend....
There is a candle in your heart,
ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul,
ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?
You feel the separation
from the Beloved.
Invite Him to fill you up,
embrace the fire.
Remind those who tell you otherwise that
Love
comes to you of its own accord,
and the yearning for it
cannot be learned in any school.
Rumi
That was beautiful, JJorge. I still write for myself, my friend.
When I feel a glimpse of the muse, jjorge, I will invite you to offer a critique, ok?
Letty wrote:When I feel a glimpse of the muse, jjorge, I will invite you to offer a critique, ok?
I'm not very good at critiqueing but I will if you like.
STILL tinkering with this poem, including the name.
Latest version:
Birdsong
Do birds just keep on doing, doing, doing,
even though their thing went wrong?
Do they keep rueing, rueing, rueing?
Or will they finally cease their song?
Do birds sometimes give up? give up and fly?
- hurl themselves against the wind, against the sky?
...or does their song just fade and die?
(does a bird know how to sigh?)
Still the solemn notes continue,
ceaselessly, a tender song,
slowly, softly, sadly, singing:
'too long...too long... ...too long...to long...'
-jjorge
jjorge, Welcome back, my friend. I love the repetition in your bird song. <smile> "...do birds sigh..." That line particularly struck a chord with me.
I love the entire thing, however.
Hi Letty. thanks for your comments.
How are you doing?
Lately I may not show up as often as before but I truly cherish my A2k friends like you and Piffka and msolga and Edgar et al.
affectionately, jjorge
Ah, you are a dear man, jjorge. Speaking of Piffka. I haven't seen her about in a bit.
She could be on vacation.
Well, who'd of thought I'd still be tinkering with this.
OK, this is DEFINITELY the FINAL form! ................(for now)
Notes
Do birds just keep on doing, doing,
even though their thing went wrong?
Do they keep rueing, rueing?
Will they finally cease their song?
Do they at last give up and fly?
Hurl themselves against the wind?
Disappear in boiling skies?
(doe a bird know how to sigh?)
Still, the solemn notes continue,
Still, he sings, a tender song,
Slowly, softly, sadly, ringing:
"too long...too long... ...too long.......to long..."
Well, jjorge. Welcome back, dear.
Aside from a couple of typos, and the last "to..."
I think your revision is approaching it's final destination.
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