Sat 30 Jun, 2018 10:02 am
I am 53, and I am a victim of probably the worst bullying when I was younger, that I have heard of these days. I am by no means minimizing it, quite the opposite - I have some advise that hopefully will help. While I do not spend my time YouTube videos of perverted kids taking videos of others getting bullied (instead of stepping in), I cannot help but wonder if it got better, the same or worse. I can say from what happened to me, it is slightly better. Yes I know your pain..
One other thing I want to mention, bullying does NOT stop at school days. When you get older there is a more sophisticated version of it at work. Cliques will never go away. People are generally "herd" types - thus why all the social media to "fit in". However that goes beyond the scope of this post, and I really want to focus on what happened to me, advice I can give the children of bullying and a solution that adults REALLY need to address (which will never go into effect - and I'll explain the reason for that too),
And a final note: Bullying is NOT ABOUT RACE, it is about power usually due to jealousy, inadequacy and bad parenting. I was a little white boy, and I got it worse than any kid of any color - as you will see. sometimes fate hands you a bad set of cards. It is up to you on how you deal with it.
To prevent offending those of religious families - I will use the word "fate" to keep it neutral. It is not meant to offend anyone.
As far back as I can remember, I had a very bad childhood. I was sexually and physically abused by my parents - when I say physically, I am referring to the usually beatings that left marks and the RARE occasion of blood splatter. but my miserable life did not stop there. While I was not handicapped in anyways, I was slow to think, and under 80lbs, which made a great target for the jocks. You know the game, so wont go into details. If that was all I had to worry about in school that would have been the norm, but there were two teachers that picked on me as well (for most of the grade school and 9th grade), they would use me to as a target to humiliate me in class - and with the exception of maybe one or two kids, the whole class would join in and laugh. One teacher that doubled as a coach, knew I was not the sports type so used a foot ball to bean me in the face, stating "...see if you have good reflexes class, you would beable to catch the ball, not like jake here that just stand like an idiot" hahahahaha - ya right.
Living in the country also had it's nightmares - many of you could relate to bus rides - o those were the worse - as there was no place to site - right? I was a target from the high schoolers, the home made zip guns were painful (without giving too much detail - they were fabricated out of bic pens) back of the neck!! But I had an angel - Gail. Senior girl, very hot (and I was like in 6th grade at the time and of course quickly developed a crush), and very not so nice to bullies! A country girl that no one messed with. She had her own car, but that time is was being repaired, so she took the bus on occasion. So the days she rode, she always sat by me - she knew I was a target - she said I was different. At the time, I did not understand, I do now.
When I got older, I had to walk to school, about 5 blocks or so... another random nightmare - seniors would push me in a ditch, throw garter snakes down - now to a kid my age they (snakes) seemed HUGE and the 3 or 4 seemed like HUNDREDS, they would occasionally lock me in trunks (which today has given me claustrophobia bad - can't even do a MRI these days).
And after school I got more abuse at home...I did try to hang myself, but the nail I had for the rope did not hold,, I used to punch walls and make my knuckles bleed, the logic was that I can related to that physical pain, but the emotional pain I could not handle.
These are the highlights of the worst of it, but it was a daily thing fro mhome, school teach, peers and back home again. From my point of view at that age - where could I go? teachers? My impression of them is to pick on me, no friends, and no family nearby that really could help.
ADVICE kids only read
I never tell kids of bullying it will get better - because it will not. It is the way things are in nature. strongest survive, the weak get weeded out. People telling them different, is lying to them. Even as an adult, bullying still exists, it is just more sophisticated and slimy. But instead I tell them this: Fate is prepping you. It will never give you anything you cannot deal with. It will, and I mean it WILL make you stronger. You will have times when you want to just die - I know I have been there many times. That is were you have to find something - emotional - to hang on to, for me it was books - fantasy, I could escape if just for a few hours when I could read with no interuption - These days, gaming is great. an escape. I use that to this day (on steam and thousands of games). MMO's are great as you make lots of friends, and they only judge you buy your skill - not who or what you are.
.. School is a short time. You just have to hang on through it. then it is over. There is a phrase I heard, but I don't know where it came from, but you WILL HAVE SCARS!! But always remember, those scars are when you never gave in. Keep them as souvenirs - and use those reminders to help others. Even if you can use one experience that got you through the day, that scar will be your insignia. I wear mine proud.
It is impossible to give some GENERAL advice for it to help you, but feel free to contact me.. I might be able to shoot some ideas on how to avoid your situation. But it is a constant battle. sometimes, it is just nice to talk to someone. I did not have computers when I grew up. so it was really hard - and every night - most the time, I cried my self to sleep and woke with a wet pillow - I know the pain.
I do not hide the fact I was bullied as I am successful to day. I do not have lots of money, but what I do own is mine. I have never been in jail or drugs. I remembered all the crap that happened to me in school, and at home, and USE THAT AS A LIFE LEARNING EXPERIENCE OF WHAT NOT TO DO!! I am well liked and that and you would be surprised what life returns as a kiss-and-make-up for you.
SOLUTION TO BULLYING Adults only
FAILED SOLUTION: SCHOOL IS RESPONSIBLE
One solution I hear that makes me see red is "Schools Fault" Even during the most violent incidents I have experienced, I never once thought "why doesn't the school help". So throw that out. Their "safety laws" extend ONLY to fire and other building issues. - they are NOT there to baby sit your kids - it is not a prison. They are paid to teach. Thats it! I was bullied when I rode my bike to town, if I happen to see one of the high schoolers, and that was worse as there was no one around !!! Who do you sue then? the city? So parents of bullied children: See my solution below.
sorry just wanted to get that out of the way. OK so what is the solution. One thing I learned in life is that the solution to the most complex problem is the easiest.
START ADDRESSING THE PARENTS OF THE BULLY.
Simple right? But we will never do that. Society will create organization (click bait), support groups(click bait) and all kinds of things that do not solve bullying. All these "groups" are to create money - another job if you will, and only go through the emotions of addressing the bully issue
You DO NOT NEED these groups to file charges on a parent of a bully.
So why is this not common? For one many political officials, law enforcement and even other public figures have bullies for children. they would be self incarcerating themselves. combine this with your everyday stupid parent - and you have a mass army of uncontrolled bullies.
In my life I have seen several cases of a big bully nailing some poor kids - BOOM 911 and you know what, the cops hate that crap too. Try it.
But there is a larger more sinister problem. Take a dog that mauls a child for walking by the lawn. More often than not, the dog is removed and there is a heavy fine on the "owner" (key word there) and in some cases, jail time and the dog is put down.
Now move to a bully, same exact situation - but the parents the "owner" is NOT addressed and the media focuses on the bully and what we should do with him - uh, really?
A dog is acting on instinct and attacks only - regardless of the situation, but a bully - is conscious of their actions - by upbringing and being told what is right or wrong. So their intention to bully a kid into submission or suicide is a pre-meditated decision. the parents trained him that way (yes I hear those saying tv games, peers etc.. - but I always say, it is the parents responsibility to clarify those situations so the child knows what part of the movie is good or bad and the friends they have - problem is most bad kids don't' have parents that actually take an active role in their lives anymore).
The other reason this does not work, because we have ANOTHER money problem. If we start penalizing parents for the kids they are teaching to be bullies, the more serious offenders(parents of serious bully) would be put in jail- Now what??? what do we do with the bully? Right - who wants to take a bully into their home while their parents are serving jail time (like the dog owner - why should he server jail time because his dog crippled someone ?), How about a boot-camp style for bullys that they stay there as long as their parents are in jail.
See this complications there? Yup, easy just to start groups, and "appear" that we are helping. Because the other option requires too much elbow grease and money.
The bullies know it, and the parents of bullies know it
So for me it works calling the police. In my neighborhood the police do not tolerate it, and the parents are usually if not always served a citation. I am not sure what happens if they get too many, but I know it goes on their record.
I am the father of two boys. Not the most perfect, but they were never bullies and I taught them to watch out for them, and help those too little to defend themselves.