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Can you help me with my essay?

 
 
Tue 27 Jun, 2017 10:00 pm
Hi! I have to write an argumentative essay for tomorrow. Here is a introduction. What do you think?
(Don't pay attention at the opinion, I'm just following my teacher's line of thought)

It has to be something short (500 words m.o.l.). I'm thinking about the arguments right now, but I don't know how far is this from a flawless starting point regarding punctuation and lg.
Thanks!

"On September 14th 2001, US President George Bush declared war against terrorism, a conflict without precedent, against an abstract enemy, borderless and without a deadline and clear goals. Fifteen years later, we can clearly see how these armed conflicts turned out to be as effective as the Vietnam War (1955) or as justified as the nuclear attack on Hiroshima and Nagasaki (1945). Once again, it is more relevant to question what the need of war is. The truth seems to be as simple and absolute as this statement: War is not for patriotism and counterterrorism; it is a tool used by militarised countries to submit developing countries."
 
TomTomBinks
 
  3  
Tue 27 Jun, 2017 10:30 pm
@FDavidGomes,
Vietnam war didn't begin in 1955 (at least not for the US)
Look up the word "submit"
Too many commas. Try using shorter sentences and make clear, simple points.
Don't introduce more than one idea at a time. Explain one, then move to the next.
Good luck.
jespah
 
  3  
Wed 28 Jun, 2017 03:42 am
I would also add - he's President George W. Bush. I know that may feel like nitpicking, but it does distinguish him from his father (much like John Quincy Adams and John Adams).
FDavidGomes
 
  1  
Wed 28 Jun, 2017 08:20 am
@TomTomBinks,
Thanks a lot! I'm checking the meaning of "submit" and I see that I made a silly mistake. I believe "subdue" was the proper word.
0 Replies
 
FDavidGomes
 
  1  
Wed 28 Jun, 2017 08:24 am
@jespah,
Thank you!!
0 Replies
 
dalehileman
 
  0  
Wed 28 Jun, 2017 11:38 am
@FDavidGomes,
Still I liked it Dave and you're on the right track. How I wish though I dint hafta suppress comment 'cause it keeps me here too long
0 Replies
 
FDavidGomes
 
  1  
Wed 28 Jun, 2017 05:23 pm
@FDavidGomes,
Thanks to you all! I've finished the essay.
Here it is:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fFUbEl6P3jZVNJrhAh1LPBL0rv8wX9sR-6gENLuB54k/edit#heading=h.vgi0y0jdk3zk
0 Replies
 
 

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