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Could anyone proofread my story for my test?

 
 
Reply Tue 16 May, 2017 01:34 pm
Hello, I am a 13 y/o boy and I have a test at school, one of the most important tests in the year actually and for English I have to write out some creative writing.
My essay is about a family of 2 brother a sister and a Mom ( the dad died) struggling through the Easter Rising
The Mom goes missing and one of the brothers and the sister goes looking (the other brother is sick)
Here is my essay:

TITLE:The Young Survivors
Mam was holding my brother in her hands.
He was coughing up blood on to my Mom’s sobbing face, I didn’t get why this was happening to us.
I looked outside and it was still the same, gunshots coming from every direction, blood splattered on every wall, buildings that had collapsed.
I knew Dad’s dead body was somewhere out there, but there were too many to look through.
I was with my sister, Via right before I went to bed.

I woke up the next day and Mam was gone. I figure she went to get something like the groceries but after hours of waiting she wasn’t back.
I was too scared to get out and look for her but eventually I got the courage to go.
I left my brother at home, but I brought my sister.
I looked out at the war-thorn street, wasn’t as bad as I thought as we lived in North Dublin.
We were stepping over bodies shouting for Mam, but there was no sign of her.

While I went around the corner of our apartment building I saw a man with his groceries whom got his ear shot off clean.
I had to block my sisters eyes as I didn’t want to scar her for life, I already was scarred anyways.
I started to worry after a while of looking for Mam.
I knew that she wasn’t around the area I was looking because she always wears the same clothes, a torn up apron and blouse.
I decided to go back home as my sister was complaining about her ear hurting.
“Will Mom be back?” asked Via with a terrified face.
“She’s just gone out with a friend.” I lied.

I put my brother and sister to bed.
“Good Night” I said to Via as I kissed her on the forehead.
“Not a good night!” She replied back with.
I blew the rat dropping of my bed sheet and went to sleep.


I woke up the next day in a bad state.
I had hoped I didn’t get my brother fever.
I slowly walked into Via and my brother’s room expecting them to be asleep.
My sister was wide awake.
“James, Is Mom back?” she whispered.
“Eventually she will be.” I replied
I was throwing up all day but had to put up with it.
Via wouldn’t eat for some reason, I guessed I wasn’t very convincing and scared her from eating.

I was cutting up some bread for Eoin, my brother when a mound of broken glass smashed in my faced.
My heart skipped a beat and I thought I was shot.
Via splashed a glass of water on my face to get the small shards out of my eyes which allowed me to see.
At this point It was obvious I wasn’t shot, but nearly could have been.
Via pointed out a hole in the cabinet with a led bullet stuck inside.
She didn’t know what it was so I said it was a fat nail.

I was about to cry, why is this happening to us?
I got up the next morning determined to look for Mam, without Via.
I said to her I will be going out to scavenge for some food and told her to mind her brother.
I came across the GPO where a massive shootout was occurring.
I had to do it.
I sprint around a rubbish bin to take cover and rolled it the rest of the way across the street.
I was fine only for that my favourite shirt was ripped from a stray bullet.

I was walking look for Mam becoming more and more hopeless.
But then I saw a glance of an apron!
Could it really be her!
I was crying of joy!
It was Mam!

It wasn’t joyful for Mam though, she got shot in the knee cap by a stray bullet and was literally left for dead.
I should’ve been crying, but I wasn’t.
I was thinking the worst had happened, but she just got shot in the knee cap.
I went around the long way to avoid the gore in the GPO.
During this time, I was helping her walk, with a torn piece of cloth from my t-shirt covering her wound.

We eventually got home after 3 hours.
I was still a bit sick, but my brother was fine now.
Luckily the bullet Mam was shot by wasn’t led so all she had to do was put pressure on the wound and wait for it to heal.
Via was the only healthy one in the family.
The war mightn’t of been over, but to us we were the real winners!
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