one more

Ohh, I like this!! Nice flow, nice everything!!!

hmm..the rhyming scheme isn't really doing it for me on this one

im not good at rhyming... my apologies... byt im trying to get better at it stuh... really i am

There are some good things going on here, Seed... a little depressing and I'm wondering what "stalk" you are talking about <eyebrows raised> but not bad. Not bad at all. Certainly better than a lot I've seen.

<ahem>
I think if you dropped the "to be" in the line about "not enough to be paid," and you change "I'm" in the second to last line to "I am," then it would flow even better. I also suggest that you change "the" to "this" in denoting the room and (frankly) if you change "everything" to "it all" it works better for me. I also inserted a "me" in there just because it makes the poem have more meaning. (The specific vs. the vague.)

Then, as in editor would do, you put a blank line between the first part and the last, add some punctuation and you get a darned good poem!

Endless light upon broken glass
My life is shattered, turned to ash.
Never to walk, never to talk,
Bought my death by the stalk.
Cheap as it was, not enough paid;
My soul unused, I had to stay.

In this room I viewed my life.
I saw it all from kids to wife.
Yet nothing can stop me, I am sure
I want this over; I'm no longer pure.


(Seed, I apologize if you don't like my heavy-handed editing. Once an editor, always an editor. )

thanks very much Piffka... always welcome critism and editing

Are you sure you don't mind? I did feel I was overstepping.

Are you going to tell me what stalk means?

nope not overstepping at all... part of the reason i post here... stalk... as in when you buy some foods back in the old day you bought them still on the stalk (maybe its the wrong spelling) as in you bought everything... so when i said "Bought my death by the stalk" everything i did caused my death....

Ahhhh. That spelling is right, I'm just not in tune with the usage.

Very interesting and mature poem, one that seems to be looking back on your life. I guess it is a little surprising to me, because I saw your photo and know you can't be older than 25. It's what they said about Edna St.Vincent Millay with her first poems -- she's too young to write with that much pathos. (Later she did get old!)

im not even married... it more like looking back from the future... if you get that...

I get it... makes perfect sense to me. After all, you talked about glass which I "saw" as a mirror. I was pretty sure you wouldn't be married either. It looked, from your photo, like you were living in a dorm. <if so... bummer!>

that was from army barricks... nope not married... only 22...

It looked institutional.

When will you be twenty-three?

august

<smiling> My daughter will be 22 in March and my son will be 21 soon after. I like your age... you are so open to things and you have lots that you can (and should) be looking forward to and expecting out of life.

You were in the army and now you're going to school? <she pries a little> Just wondering how you came to be about.

came to be about? ( i am in the army national guard... so still in the service)

Writing poetry.

i can pin point it to the day actually. i was a junior in highschool.... liked a girl. she liked me... talked and talked... only she liked the bad boy image. me being the bad boy that i am ( note heavy scarcasim) didnt meet the bill. heart broken and no real way to let it out I decided to write it all down. when i wrote it came out in poem form. well at least what i call a poem. and since then just been writing as an outlet.

That's interesting -- not a bad boy, a sad boy. I'm trying to think what all you may have written then. Did you truly understand the bad boy image? Or were you questioning why you weren't a bad boy?

Anyway, that story will look good when you publish your first book of poetry. I did say I liked this and I am very fussy (as you'll note by the semicolons).

Are you in the National Guard full-time? My son, who is in ROTC, was trying to 'splain to me something about his going into the Guards instead of the Reserves, but I can't remember just why.

i didnt understand the bad boy image, tried to be one... couldnt pull it off. it wasnt me... i couldnt do it and it showed that i was just trying to be one. now i just try to be the guy i am (works a lot better that way ya know) my girlfriend thanks im harilious and loves the poetry i write for her ( Fairtale was for her)

funny side note. the girl i liked ended up getting pregnant and dropping out of school and getting married.

as far as the national guard goes, i only do the one weekend a month thing. i like it. im in line for sgt. i make a difference if and when i iever go over seas. might sound corny but Im serving my country. (one reason i try to stay out of the political threads)

I dont know if i will write a book. would need someone like you to do the editing cus as far as punction goes... there pretty much is none in my work. though i did have my short story super pickle published in college... (its posted on this board too)