[Warning: Graphic Details] Should I forgive my ex-boyfriend/best friend for this betrayal?

Warning: Potential Triggers and Details of Rape

I am a freshman in college. I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. We’d been dating since Halloween. I had a hard time breaking up with him; he’s like a puppy. He’s so enthusiastic and caring, but I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore because I felt kind of too clung-upon, if that makes any sense. We parted on good terms, hugging it out. He gave me a break-up gift. We’d gotten along ever since. He told me he loves me, and I believe him. I could tell he fell hard and fast, and that’s what made breaking up difficult.

Every now and then he would put his hands on my waist when we would talk, and I would gently reprimand him.

Since breaking up, I’ve gone to a couple parties with him and some friends. They’ve all been fine. He’s had a hard time with the breakup, but he’s assured me that he would get over it, it would just take a while. At parties, he would encourage me to go and meet people.

But, this past weekend, February 11, I went to another party with him and two other friends. I was having a great time. Two of them went back to the dorm. The party was at one of my ex’s friend’s house. The party was dying down. There were just the hosts, their girlfriends, and my ex and me, and I decided to stay instead of going back with my other friends because I was having a great time. After the Uber left though, my ex’s friends started asking me about why I broke up with him. When the question of where we were going to sleep came up, they were like the couch pulls out into a bed, and we could sleep on the same one. I said I could take the small couch, but then it was like, the pull-out has plenty of room. I reasoned to myself that he could have one side and I would have my side, so I agreed. It wouldn’t be too bad.

When I got in bed, he came in too. He wrapped his arms around me and started spooning me. I guess I could handle cuddling. He started groping me and kissing me. I refused to reciprocate. I kept my lips sealed. I was tired and a little drunk, and I thought he would stop. I tried pretending to be asleep. It didn’t work. Eventually, I stopped pretending. I tried waving him off. No success. He scraped his teeth roughly on my breasts. He squeezed them painfully. He told me that he’d made love to me before, but he wanted to **** me. That it was all he could do not to rape me. Eventually, he actually put his finger inside down there. At this point, I protested even stronger. Full out telling him to stop. Several times. He continued. Then he pulled it out. He said, “I just raped you.” I shook my head. He said, “You told me to stop, and I didn’t, that is the definition of rape.” He acted like he was going to continue, but then he jumped out of bed and ran to the balcony, which scared me so I called his name. He told me to let him cool down. He came back. We went to sleep. He put his arms around me again.

I don’t even remember the order of events clearly. I know what happened, but it’s a blur. At one point I said I felt like a hoe, and he slapped me. I don’t know why or how his hand was on my neck. He knows I don’t like that. But it was. He pressed a little. I dared him to do it. Even then, I knew he wouldn’t do it. This was before the actual rape. The whole time, I was facing away from him in fetal position, just hoping he would get the message and stop.

When we woke up in the morning, we didn’t say anything. His friend drove us back to campus. On the way to our floor, he asked how much I remembered. I told him, “Everything.” I looked up the definition of rape. I didn’t feel like I’d been raped, maybe sexually assaulted, but not raped. He didn’t put his penis in me. And we’d had sex a couple times before. It didn’t and it did feel like rape. I trusted him. I trusted him completely. And he did that.

He blames himself so much. He said he can’t stand to look me in the eyes, that they’ve changed. I have shaky hands when I think about it, which is most of the time. I can’t concentrate on anything; my mind goes back to this. Every now and then I’ll tear up and my heart will go to at least 100 bpm.

He doesn’t know how I appeared to be taking it so well. He was like, “I’ve lost you.” And I reassured him that he hadn’t, to just give me some time. He said that it would be better if I was slapping him and screaming at him and hurting him. What I don’t like is that I felt a sick feeling of satisfaction when he said that. That I was glad it was hurting him. I didn’t even shed a tear until 24 hours after it happened. I think it had finally started sinking in. I sobbed myself to sleep at 6:30 in the morning.

I don’t know why I still hold even a modicum of trust for him. We talked 24 hours after it happened. I was in the same room with him alone at 5 am. I avoid him for the most part. I’m short with him. I want him to hurt and that worries me. I feel bitter. But I think I can forgive him eventually. Never forget. But then, it’s like, I don’t know if I want to. I’ve never been one to hold a grudge, but is this the straw that broke the camel’s back?

I feel like I should have been more firm and not so gentle with him beforehand. Then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Or if I’d gone back to the dorm with my other two friends then it wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t gone out partying, it wouldn’t have happened.

If it were anyone else, someone I didn’t know or had just met, then I would have fought. I grew up with two older brothers; I’m pretty scrappy. But I felt frozen in indecision and betrayal and disbelief. This person knows more about me than pretty much anyone else. Only one other person knows me more. And he’s an ex, but we didn’t really start bonding until we broke up. Now he’s my best friend. He’s also my most recent ex’s roommate.

I told Ex #1 about the rape as we went to watch 50 Shades Darker. I think the rest of my friends have noticed my strangeness. I asked one friend in private what someone would have to do that you couldn’t forgive. He said rape. I think he may have seen one of my tabs. That was too spot on. Should I tell my friends? Another friend, when I asked about forgiving someone, said that he felt everyone could be forgiven. When I asked about even if they didn’t want forgiveness, he asked why someone wouldn’t feel like they should be forgiven.

I told one of my friends that doesn’t go here anymore that I was raped. She wants me to report him. But I can’t do that to him. It would ruin his future. I didn’t tell her who it was, that it was someone we both know, who’s in our friend group. Someone she got along with so well.

So should I – can I – forgive him? He’s in my friend group. He’s already said he’s going to take next semester off.