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He's keeping secrets....

 
 
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 08:51 am
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, best friends for two years before that. We don't live together and we both have kids from previous marriages. Recently, I found out he had a Facebook page that he had activated about a month prior...he said it was only for political information (which checked out) and he did give me the password. He refused to display his relationship status as "in a relationship". He claimed that he didn't use Facebook the way other people do and his relationship status was insignificant to him, but he refused to change it and refused to send me a friend request. After arguing back and forth, he deleted the page. I don't feel like that resolved the problem... I'm most worried about him keeping secrets... (this has happened before, with porn, female friends, major family upheavals, important events with his children). The pattern is secrets from me, he says to avoid arguments, which causes almost all of our arguments. Please help! I love this man... He lets me be myself and makes me so happy when we're not fighting... He doesn't acknowledge the betrayal of secrets... Is this a deal breaker? Are the secrets an indication of deeper deceit? Or just residue from his broken marriage (four years over) like he claims?
 
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 10:08 am
If he lets you be yourself, why don't you let him be himself?
maxdancona
 
  3  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 10:08 am
@Gypsy-soul,
I agree with your boyfriend on this.

A healthy relationship is built on trust. Two people agree to be together, and to be faithful to each other (as they define it). A healthy relationship doesn't mean you give up your private life. You are in a relationship with him. This doesn't mean you get to control him, or to demand he answer to any investigation. I don't know why he ever would have given you his FaceBook password... this is not something that happens in good relationships.

I don't think you are being fair. And, I don't think that what you are demanding makes a healthy, trusting relationship possible.

If you can't accept you boyfriend as he is, and are unable to trust... you should think about ending the relationship.

This is for his benefit as much as it is for yours.



Gypsy-soul
 
  1  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 10:40 am
@chai2,
Good point.. I want to be included, invited...
Gypsy-soul
 
  1  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 10:42 am
@maxdancona,
Also a good point. I would have rather been added as a friend than have his password, I didn't ask for that, it was his solution. Thank you for your feedback, he says the same thing about trust
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 11:13 am
@Gypsy-soul,
Gypsy-soul wrote:

Good point.. I want to be included, invited...


But you're not. So get over it.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  4  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 01:00 pm
@Gypsy-soul,
In a good relationship, partners talk to each other about what they would like.

There is nothing wrong with you asking to be included on his Facebook, particularly if you can explain why it is important to you (and it shouldn't be because you don't trust him). There is a big difference between "asking" and "demanding"; for one thing, if you ask he has the right to say "no". It is healthy for people in a relationship to have some space from each other.

My advice would be to talk openly and respectfully. And, make sure it is a two way conversation. You should say what you want in the relationship clearly (understanding that no one gets everything they want). But you should also listen to what he wants and needs.

In good relationships, both partners work to understand, support and trust each other.

If your goal is to be included more in his life (which is a fine thing to want), then you can ask for this. Again, remember that this is a conversation that needs to be worked on... it can't be a demand. I would certainly respect it if my girlfriend told me this. If your goal is to pry into his life to keep him from having secrets, it is a much different thing.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 01:45 pm
@maxdancona,
...and, if after being asked, he says he isn't going to comply, you'll have to accept it and complain no more, or make a stink and let the fights continue.

0 Replies
 
Gypsy-soul
 
  1  
Reply Thu 1 Dec, 2016 09:41 pm
@maxdancona,
What do you think it means that he would delete the page instead of adding me as a friend? It was about politics, we discuss and agree (mostly) on politics... I can't really understand it outside of malicious intentions (very possibly my emotional overreaction)...
P.S. I don't think the argument was particularly explosive or damaging...more of a discussion
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Fri 2 Dec, 2016 02:05 pm
@Gypsy-soul,
I don't have a clue. I don't know your boyfriend. You are in a relationship with him... maybe you could ask him?
0 Replies
 
 

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