1
   

Should I walk away or stay and try one more time

 
 
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 05:07 am
Hi Everyone,

I married a 26 yr old man from Lebanon and I am 35 female. I did a lot and invested a lot to bring him here. When he came things were rocky with adjusting to cultural differences as well as personality differences. I had been concerned with some of his actions and kicked him out in July 2015 (only after him being here for 6 months). I took him back and from there things went down hill. He has a habit of living a secret life and will make multiple accounts on Facebook and IG. I found him talking to girls online and from that point I asked him no social media (he also didnt want me on there as well). We both agreed and promised. Fast forward through our relationship and we endure lots of fighting over trust issues and me asking him to leave then coming back. In October of this year I asked to look through his phone because he wanted to look at mine-fair is fair. I found a post he made advertising online looking for women. At this point I said it was over and he begged me to stay stating that he made that when things were bad and nothing ever happened with it-he only posted. I lost all trust but stayed because I truly love him and believe in staying in a marriage and not leaving. A week ago I broke down and looked at this phone again. I found in his internet browsing history he was on Facebook again and his history showed about 10 girl names he had clicked on (I couldn't log in so I don't know what this entailed). Also he had googled a picture of one of the girls he worked with and searched for her on Facebook as well. Before I told him what I found, I asked him if he was on any social media and he replied no. I said none at all? He said no. I showed him the screenshots of all the pictures I had taken on his phone and only then did he say ok I was. He constantly lies to me and then only admits the truth when cornered. I ask him how he can do this and he says he doesn't know why he does-he does it to avoid fighting.

He said he wants me to stay and we try couples therapy-but for me how will this change his behavior? He told me that the reason he keeps doing these things is for a distraction because things are bad with us and he feels like I judge him and am never happy with him. I told him if he was so unhappy he could end it or suggest counseling or talk to me--his method of dealing with it broke all his promises and led him to constantly lie to me and ruin any trust. Of course to add to all this his company is closing and he will need to relocate to another state and wants to me go. I cant do this and chance losing my job when we are bad. He was so upset over losing me he told me he would not take the job and try to find another one here. I feel that maybe because we are so unhealthy that he shouldn't lose a good job opportunity and this is the chance for us to end it. He is very upset and feels that I am running away and giving up. He said he loves me and accepts all my faults and why cant I love him and accept he has faults. I am very confused and feel that if trust is gone and someone keeps betraying you they will keep doing so. I just wanted to hear any other comments that someone can offer. I should mention that I was married before and that marriage was ruined by that husband cheating multiple times. I told my current husband what that had done to me and how damaging this was and he promised he would never hurt me in that way. I feel so betrayed and hurt.
 
View best answer, chosen by Betrayed-wife
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 06:29 am
@Betrayed-wife,
No matter what he was doing on Facebook, he told you he was off social media and it turned out he was not. So, he lied to you about that. And you already don't trust him and the relationship has been rocky all along.

Why the hell are you hanging around in this train wreck of a marriage?
CoastalRat
  Selected Answer
 
  3  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 09:03 am
@Betrayed-wife,
Quote:
He told me that the reason he keeps doing these things is for a distraction because things are bad with us and he feels like I judge him and am never happy with him.
Now this is classic. He blames his actions on you. He ignores his part of the issue and attempts to make you feel guilty by claiming that you are the one running away. He wants you to accept all his faults because, well, you know, he is perfectly fine with accepting yours. (Does he hint at what your terrible faults are that he is so accepting of?)

I have one question. In any of your conversations, while apologizing and telling you how you should accept his faults, has he even hinted at wanting to stop doing what upsets you that he does? I don't see where he is taking any responsibility for his actions or any desire to stop. I get the idea that he simply wants you to accept the fact that he is going to continue to do what he wants.

Bottom line, you have lost trust in him. He either needs to put forth a concerted effort to regain your trust or the marriage is over. Marriages do not survive ongoing trust problems.

As an aside, and I am hesitant to even suggest this, could it be that he has gotten what he wanted from you? You were an older (only 9 years I know, but still older) woman who helped him come to this country and married him, thus allowing him to stay here and he is not really interested in changing for you because in his culture women/wives are treated and viewed quite differently than they are here. Just something else to think about.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 09:16 am
@Betrayed-wife,
Betrayed-wife wrote:
He said he wants me to stay and we try couples therapy-but for me how will this change his behavior?


counselling is for both of you, not just him.

if you're not willing to go into counselling with an open mind, there is not much point.

you don't trust him. he has lied to you. you are not interested in what could come out of counselling (part of counselling can be helping couples come to a healthy end to the relationship)

pull the plug
Betrayed-wife
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 09:34 am
@CoastalRat,
He said he would stay off social media in July then again in October when I found the post looking for single women. He keeps promising and then when we fight over anything he breaks down and turns to online for distraction and making his ego better. Then I catch him and it's a cycle. I know the age difference is big and he seems legitimately to care and his mother even says she sees real love in his eyes for me. It's a mess for sure.
0 Replies
 
Betrayed-wife
 
  0  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 09:36 am
@ehBeth,
I just don't see how counseling would change him as a person. Maybe he is to young to be married and faithful
Betrayed-wife
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 09:37 am
@jespah,
He does lie but the reason I stay is because I love him and didn't want to give up on marriage.
0 Replies
 
Betrayed-wife
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 09:37 am
@jespah,
He does lie but the reason I stay is because I love him and didn't want to give up on marriage.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 09:38 am
@Betrayed-wife,
Betrayed-wife wrote:

I just don't see how counseling would change him as a person. Maybe he is to young to be married and faithful


maybe counselling doesn't need to change him as a person

you can't go into counselling with expectations of what the outcome will be

you both need to be open to what will happen in counselling

I don't see that possibility in what you have posted
0 Replies
 
 

 
  1. Forums
  2. » Should I walk away or stay and try one more time
Copyright © 2017 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 09/25/2017 at 01:52:12