If I lie on my back, as soon as I go to sleep my throat closes and I wake myself up with a heavy snort. So I have to lie on my side to sleep. But my wife!! Many years ago she started snoring. A little at first, not very loud at all, and kind of intermittent, ya know. And then it got worse. I would wake up to her loud snoring, and within a minute it would lighten up to the just-barely-tolerable range, and I would start drifting back off to sleep. But then it would start getting louder and louder and ******* louder. So I'd roll over and say, "hey hey hey!"
The snoring would stop, and after a few seconds she'd say, "What? Why'd you wake me up?"
"Because you're snoring."
"I wasn't snoring," she said. And she said it in a way that let me know that I better not say something like, "The hell you weren't."
As time went by, my tactics changed. Whenever her snoring woke me up, I would start coughing and roll over in a way that made the bed bounce. Sometimes that would do it, and sometimes it wouldn't. Sometimes it would do it for five or ten minutes, and sometimes longer. The thing is, I never knew. It was a crap-shoot. She said I should try using earplugs. But I had already tried that, and found that using earplugs to stop the sound of her snoring was like using a piece of wall-paneling to stop a 12gauge slug. I didn't tell her that, but I was thinking it . . . because it was a fact!
Eventually it came to the place where I had to grab my pillow and a blanket from the closet and head for the couch in the living room. It wasn't comfortable . . . at all; not for sleeping anyway, and I could still hear her snoring. When I finally got a computer and the internet back in '06, I could roll out of bed, fire it up, and go on a forum and look for something posted that I really disagreed with, and then release all that pent-up anger and irritation on the poor sap who posted it.
How the hell she could sleep through her own storing is a mystery to me. Her blood must be fuckin' ninety percent melatonin and ten percent chloroform I swear to god. I wasn't getting any good sleep anymore. I would sit up and think about solutions to this problem. One night I was thinking that if they can make a silencer for a gun, why the hell can't they come up with some kind of an apparatus to neutralize this godawful thing. I envisioned some kind of a face-mask that the tormenter--er, loved one--would wear to bed which would muffle the snoring completely, or almost completely. Of course, the loved one would probably refuse to wear such a thing. But there could be a law. They could make a law, and then she'd have to.
About two years ago my sister told me about going on a trip with some friends. She said that the three of them slept in the same little cabin, and that she didn't sleep but maybe two hours that night because both of her friends snored loudly. While she was telling me about how awful it was, I thought to myself, well boo ******* hoo. You spent one sleepless night with two people who snore and you think you've suffered? I got a life sentence. A ******* life sentence!!
But about a year and half ago, I decided to buy another bed and sleep in one of the other bedrooms. And it's great. I don't know why I didn't do this long ago. What was I thinking? So my advice to you is to get another bed and sleep in another room. It's that simple.