Here are a few of my favorite exchanges with Hugh Jass
Hugh gives me marketing advice:
Dear Hugh,
Have you heard about NicATampon? It's the only smoking cessation
system in tampon form. I read all about it yesterday at
http://w
ww.imabimbo.com/introducing_nic.htm
I thought I could set up a lovely home based business by going
door to door selling this magnificent product. I went to Target
to purchase a box so that I could look up the manufacturers name
and address. When I couldn't find it on the shelves I found the
manager and asked him to get me a box.
He promptly had me arrested! While in jail I decided that I had
a great focus group to conduct some market research so I engaged
my cell mates in some girl talk. Each and every one of these
wonderful women expressed keen interest in NicATampon.
So, my three questions to you:
1. Can you think of an equivilent smoking cessation program for
men? My husband is willing to get arrested to conduct a focus
group but first we need to determine the nicotine delivery
system.
2. My new probation officer (Hi, Mr. Muttonchop!) says I can't
go door to door since I'm on house arrest. Is there a good way
to market this without leaving my house? A beautiful hand
painted billboard maybe? (This last part is a rhetorical
question so it doesn't count against my three questions.)
3. You know how babies are always sucking on pacifiers?
(Rhetorical question.) I was thinking if we could get those made
with a nice infusion of nicotine that we could really get them
started young with the urge to smoke. Then, when they grew up
they would need to but lots of my smoking cessation products! Do
you think I will need to apply for FDA approval? (Real question.)
There's a lot to life in a Marlboro brand pacifier!
boomerang
Hugh Jass Quick stats
Added on Fri, Oct 27, 2000 12:42 PM
b-rang:
1. The most effective smoking cessation device for men would have
to be a patch that is placed on the palm of the hand. That way,
the nicotine doses will easily absorb through the thin skin of
the penis and be immediately absorbed by the abundant blood
vessels in that anatomical region.
2. There are several options. Remove your ankle bracelet and put
it on your least favorite neighborhood dog (watch the hilarity as
your PO tries to track you down and finds a Shih Tsu). You could
sell your home and not buy a new one thus, being homeless you be
free to do your daily door-to-door market research/sales. Your
last option is a sketchy loophole. Buy Barbie's Dream House and
take it with you on business excursions.
3. It is a brilliant idea to create your market. You will,
unfortuantely, not be able to obtain FDA approval due to laws
regarding the sale of tobacco to minors. However it might be
worth it to make pacifiers in the shapes resembling human
genatalia. At the very least, this will increase chances of
smoking due to a heightened oral fixation. Or, when these
children, raised on Nadifiers (patent pending) go to therapy, the
doctor will say, "Look, I know I'm supposed to be sensitive and
nurturing, but you look like a 32-year-old dumb-@$$ with that
pacifier in your mouth. Why not take up smoking?"
Hugh gives me political advice:
Your Royal Hughness,
Thank goodness that GU'11 sent you those questions about
suppositories and George Foreman! She is a friend indeed for
snapping me out of my stupor to realize that I have been
neglecting you. You probably thought I'd run off with Pink to
make some money on the dog fights. I say "no way Jose" Bullseye
is grounded with a capital G! All this time I've really only
been a few steps away tangled up in Aa's Twisted Title question!
Also, of course I've been really worried about that acne girl. I
mean it must be bad if Newsweek covers your acne! Especially when
they put it before all that war mumbo-jumbo. I should know. I've
been trying to get them interested in my bunions forever.
Alas, something has really been bothering me lately and I think
you can help. Your advice is always A++ with a sticky star and a
note saying "Great Job Hugh!"
Okay, here it is:
Do you remember telling me that I should vote for the other guy
and not the blinky guy or the good posture guy?*
Well imagine my surprise when on Saturday morning my local paper
had the headline "Republicans Buy Nader Ads"
I quote here from the article: "...blah blah blah...Republicans
produced and are airing an ad for Ralph Nader hoping to swing
votes away from that good posture guy in Oregon (they pronounced
it Ory-gon), Washington and Wisconsin...blah blah blah ... it
(the ad) says "vote for Nader" even though he (Nader)has nothing
to do with the ads and can't even afford TV...blah blah blah...
Don't be fooled blah blah blah..."
End quote.
Now, (drumroll please) my questions:
1. You know how sometimes you get holes in the ends of your
socks?* When my toes poke out of the ends I call them my "toe
puppets". I held a (mock) presidential debate with my toe
puppets with Wilfred Brimley as the moderator. The good posture
toe won hands down! Is it okay if I vote for the good poster toe
puppet, er, canidate?
2. Did you know in Oregon (not Ory-gon) that we vote by mail?*
You couldn't even go somewhere to vote if you tried with both
hands! I was thinking of going around posing as a pollster and
asking who people in my neighborhood who they were voting for.
If they disagreed with me I thought I'd steal their mail. Is
this an ethical campaign tactic or something the blinky guy would
do?
3. Did you know Dionne Warwick hosts a psychic network?*
Remember that song she sang "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?"?*
If she was a real psychic couldn't she "see" where to go buy a
map?
Hugh light up my life,
boomerang
*rhetorical questions
Hugh Jass Quick stats
Added on Mon, Oct 30, 2000 11:04 AM
b-rang
1. As we all know toes, that poke out of socks are quite
entertaining. Martha Stewart aired an episode of her show
dedicated to fun things you can do on a cold winter's morn with
tattered socks.
But I digress. Toes, being part of your body, should have the
same sensory perception that you do. I bet the bunion toe had a
lot o' sass and you were slightly tempted, but I think you're
leaning towards the good-posture toe. If that is your
inclination, go with it. Blinky toe is still in the sock and
bunion toe is trying to use blinky's appeal to steal votes from
the posture toe. So, even if you wish to vote for blinky,
ensocked toe, you must vote posture toe, otherwise you end up
with bunion toe. These are the problems that arise in a primarily
two-big-toe...er...party system.
2 Stealing mail may sound like fun now but essentially, when
dealing with the US Postal service, you're dealing with Federal
offenses. I say encourage people to vote in your neighborhood or
promote your favorite toe...er...candidate.
If you feel the need to find out people's political stances
under the guise of Gallup, then it's always much better to kidnap
relatives and pets as opposed to stealing weekly coupons, holiday
cards and bills. Then, as Election Day nears, send ransom notes
saying "Love, [insert least favorite candidate here]" and a few
body parts -- not of those who you kidnapped (that would be
wrong), but get similar-looking appendages from your local
morgue. It sounds slightly cruel to play such tricks, but you're
doing it for the sake of the nation and to satiate your patriotic
spirit.
3. I can't get a good read on Ms. Warwick. However, I don't
think she ever claimed to be a psychic, but rather a proponent of
such supernatural phenomenon that would cause some to pay lots of
money to find out about a future that might exist if they got off
their lazy @$$es. In this case, we forgive her for not knowing
the way.
If she is psychic, then she is taunting those who don't know
the way. There is a certain mocking tone to the "Whoa-oh" portion
of the background singing. In this case she thwarts our
suspicions yet again. One day, b-rang. One day, we'll find the
truth.
Hugh gives me karmic advice:
Hiya Hugh!
I'm a little early this week but what the hell, right?
Okay, last night after his bath while King Costipata Hulahands
was lying on my best tickle your bottom bath rug I was trying to
explain the concepts of karma and reincarnation as illustrated by
my cat Cookie the Spook.
Using my best "Exciting Pennies - Adventures in Minting" voice I
told him that in Cookie's past life she must have been a soap
heiress as she loved the smell of clean clean people. (I would
have named her Colgate or something if I'd known about this when
she was a kitten.)
I told the King that in his past life he must have been a proper
fop and that's why he now farted so much. He replied that I must
have been Superman and that's why I had such bad vision now -
payback for x-ray vision previously. I continued that he must
have been horribly and tragically disfigured in his past life to
account for his rare beauty in this one.
We continued bantering in this manner untill we both fell soundly
asleep. It was fun!
My questions to you: do you believe in karma? In reincarnation?
I know your not a religious man - I'm not a religious girl for
that matter - but I do believe in karma - big time.
If there is such a thing as reincarnation I think I must have
been a zookeeper in one life and that's why my animals now rule
my life.
Who would you have been in your last life judging by who you are
in this one?
Your friend,
boomerang
Greetings b-rang! You're not early. You're always right on time.
True, I am opposed to organized religion, but that does not mean
I am not a spiritual person. While karmic repercussions could
merely be the result of the super ego and subcoscious atoning for
one's past offenses, I do believe that there is some
unexplainable spiritual quality within each of us that works
beyond our conscious perception. As for reincarnation, I can't
say for sure. However, I have had dreams and waking sensations of
having been someone else in the past. I've been a rebel slave
somewhere in the Middle East or Northern Africa. I've been a
knight, a Scottish laird, a misunderstood Enlightenment
philosopher, a cowboy, etc... These could easily be anomalies of
self-perception, but sometimes the feeling is too strong to deny.
Anyway, I don't believe in the theory that one is forced to live
more lives until a certain negative quality is squelched. I
believe that one's spirit, like matter, can be altered, but never
destroyed. So, any goodness from your past will surely travel
with you into the future.
All my best wishes to you and the clean, yet flatulent, Rajah
Qualahadj Spurkleheim.
Hugh gives me traveling advice:
Since I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I have literally seven
things to do before I go I thought I'd better get my question in
for the week so here goes..
Because air travel gives one the grand opportunity to sit very
close to strangers I thought I'd better brush up on my current
events so that I would have some ready topics just in case I end
up next to someone involved in "network marketing". (It's
happened before and I'm not taking any more chances.)
While reading the paper I came across a fascinating article on a
scholorship program called "The Miss Oregon Pageant". Apparently
the way this scholorship program works is that you must be very
pretty, able to sing an aria and hope to become a bioethicist or
some other thing that will "help make the world a better place".
Of course, this made me begin thinking of the whole nature of "
beauty" and "scholorship" which reminded me of an advertisment I
saw in the Parade section of Sunday's newpaper.
The ad was for a doll named "Morning Bird Song" at it was a
Native American bride doll.
I really like Native American names. As we have discussed,
Little Mo's name is Brave Laughs While Sleeping and, I don't know
if I told you this part, mine is Nuckle Sandwich. Morning Bird
Song sounds a little phoney and made up, to me, but that's really
beside the point.
Okay, the problem with Morning Bird Song is that she had blue,
blue eyes. Throughtout my life I have known many Native
Americans but not once have I known one to have blue eyes
(sometimes kinda green though).
So I came up with this idea. I would like to fund a scholorship
for makers of "beautiful" dolls. I would like to see these doll
makers actually study the people they are trying to recreate in
their doll making.
This leads us to today's questions:
1. Is this appropriate crammed into the airplane conversation?
2. Is this an effective ploy to stop network marketers from
speaking to me?
3. Should I give my scholorship money to beautiful people who
make normal looking dolls or to normal looking people who make
beautiful dolls?
4. Do you know anyone who would like to apply for my
scholorship?
Thanking you in advance.
Your friend,
boomerang
Ah, b-rang,
Is it possible you're taking this doll thing a little too
seriously? Most people can easily distinguish between mannequins
and real people (except for that one time I got drunk, cruised
for chicks at Macy's, and had to pick splinters out of my thighs
the next morning) because there is a limit to realism in the
visual arts. This has been the case ever since pictographs were
used by ancient cultures to express ideas. Egyptian
heiroglyphics don't look like actual people, but they got the
basic idea across. Luke Skywlaker didn't lose his hand until the
"Empire Strikes Back," but his "Star Wars" action figure had a
push-out light saber in his arm in lieu of an actual appendage.
My feeling is that there needs to be a willing suspension of
disbelief when it comes to the visual arts and especially dolls.
My point? Morning Bird Song is not pure Native American, but
rather Mestizo (of mixed European/Native American descent).
1. Is this appropriate crammed into the airplane conversation?
---I think we need to veer away from political correctness and
appropriateness. As a society, we've come to a point at which
we're afraid to say anything anymore. Think about it. This stuff
is on your mind. If you vent your insights incessantly on the
flight, you're doing what's best for you. BUT, because your
aero-neighbor will complain, he/she will most likely receive a
free round-trip ticket to anywhere in the continental United
States (offer not valid in Topeka). It's a win-win situation.
2. Is this an effective ploy to stop network marketers from
speaking to me?
---Yes and no. The efforts to be taken to get funding for the
scholarship will put you in touch with many organizations which
would most likely lead to excess direct-mail, Internet and
telephone marketing. On the other hand, if you respond to them
with all this information on a consistent basis, they may just
willingly take you off their calling lists.
3. Should I give my scholorship money to beautiful people who
make normal looking dolls or to normal looking people who make
beautiful dolls?
---Both. Then, when it comes time to award the winner, you simply
say, "Beauty is subjective, therefore, I'm keeping the money, you
superficial swine!"
4. Do you know anyone who would like to apply for my scholorship?
---Yes, but as standard contest rules dictate, he isn't eligible
because his doll requires lubrication for ultimate pleasure.
How I envy your experiences at abuzz.
Imagine you would say "I'm out, I don't like it here" :wink:
