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How to respond to "you're throwing that in my face" argument

 
 
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 12:10 pm
Throughout time I have by far done more to help people than I have ever gotten in return from most. I'm not just tooting my horn here or expecting accolades here, it's just the facts. When it comes to my kids who are all now in their 30's I have, in my opinion, given both from the heart both with love and money to extremes. I most recently gave my daughter over $42,000 to bail her out of financial plight on a business deal she dreamt up that went awry. It broke me and I am still in financial turmoil as a result. I have never thrown this in her face. The other day I was going to take her and her husband, Grand daughter and his two boys (who are not my daughters) out to dinner for my Grand daughters birthday. As we were leaving, and on the spur of the moment, I invited a female friend of mine who had dropped by and didn't tell my daughter. We were driving separate cars, my daughter in one, and the girl and I in another. My daughter went for gas and was broke so I gave her $20.00 for gas and she went to the gas station a block away. When I pulled up by her she saw I had this date with me and she called me on the phone berating me for having this woman with me. She had met her before and she was with me over at my daughters on Christmas and never said anything negative about her., but this time she screamed at me saying several reprehensible things and though I was not on speaker phone she was screaming and the girl heard what she was saying and started to cry and get super emotional. I became very angered and embarrassed by my daughters behavior and told her that I was paying for dinner for everyone and that she had no right to tell me who I can or cannot bring to dinner. I realize this was a spur of the moment decision on my part and I kinda sprung her coming on her without warning, but the argument escalated and I ended up not going because my daughter was so rude. She said that because I said I was paying for dinner I was "throwing that in her face!" I have had the "throwing it your face" argument from my children before because I repeatedly loan them money and never get it back and when I ask if they are ever going to pay me back I get the , "why are you throwing that in my face" argument. My question is. When it is clear that you do immensely more for someone, including your kids, then they have ever done for you, and you get in an argument such as the one described above and you remind them that you have always been there for them and they don't seem to care about your own happiness but rather their own, is it wrong for me to remind them of things you did in the past for them? What is the proper response for the "you're throwing that in my face" argument?
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 12:22 pm
@Iconoclasm,
"It's been nice giving you money. And now we're done."

Or something like that.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Sorry if that's harsh, but you have donated (these are not loans; surely you have realized that by now, yes?) plenty to these causes. You aren't paying for rudeness.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 12:23 pm
@Iconoclasm,
Does all of that mean that you didn't take your grand-daughter and her step brothers out for her birthday as planned?
__

As I read all of the above, it seems that you and your daughter both seem to have tempers.

About the dinner itself. If your daughter is too broke to pay for gas, it might have been good if she'd perhaps suggested you order in a nice meal for everyone to share at home.

__

Separately, did you call the woman you are seeing "the girl"? hopefully you don't do so in front of your daughter or granddaughter.
0 Replies
 
Real Music
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 02:26 pm
@Iconoclasm,
It sounds like your daughter is a spoiled brat who wants to have everything her way. She should be grateful to you for all you've done for her. At the very least she should give you full support to anything that brings you happiness. The only time she may be justified to hold back her support is when she believes you are harming yourself. In that case she would be trying to protect you. Is she trying to protect you from harming yourself? Or is she simply being a spoiled brat that could care less about your happiness?

If your daughter had an issue with you bringing your date, she should have communicated that to you in a calm and respectful manner. Also, you might have mention to her who you were bringing along.
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Violet35
 
  3  
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 02:39 pm
@Iconoclasm,
It's never a truly reciprocal thing with our kids. I have one who's 30 and totally independent and self-supporting. He's never asked for a dime. I have a teenager, too, who thinks I am a walking ATM, but I also have siblings who "borrowed" money from our parents ALL the time. I never went to them for money, but my younger sister has, and she acts like your daughter does. I think it's OK to remove the MONEY from the scenario, and just ask yourself, "Is this an appropriate or respectful attitude from my "adult" daughter, on ANY level?" She really has no business injecting herself in to your personal life, and it's OK for you to set her straight on that boundary, whether you've given her cash, or not. That way, you avoid the "Are you throwing that in my face" assault, altogether. You can say things like, "I ave always been supportive (supportive being the KEY WORD, here) of your choices. I expect the same respect in return."

You're a grown ass man (assuming you're a man from this post?) , and she needs to understand that. She shouldn't get a VOTE on who your guests are. PERIOD.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Feb, 2016 07:02 am
@Iconoclasm,
I think it is time you stop enabling your kids. It is one thing to help when needed, but it is quite another when you start bailing them out of every jam they get into. My kids are both adults. I will never let them go hungry or go without a roof over their heads as long as I am able. But, neither will I jump in and hand them money every time they get into a financial pickle. Had my kid made some financial blunder to the tune of $42,000, it would have been left up the him to work his way out of it. Dad would not have been helping out other than to make sure he had food and shelter.

This is why we have so many kids feeling entitled to everything today. Parents are way too quick to bail them out and they come to expect it. Being responsible for their own missteps is a foreign concept to too many kids today.

Let them know that the money tree is dried up and they are on their own. Then stick to it no matter what.
0 Replies
 
 

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