If I were to find that new sense of joy and meaning in my life somehow which is a non-hedonistic version of joy and meaning that does not come through physical pleasure (good moods), then what would that experience be like for me? Is it nothing more than the experience of just simply dealing with your depression/absence of pleasure while having the mindset of moving forward, pursuing your goals/dreams, and doing something with your life?
I was answering that question in a way. The activities I mentioned were a few that pulled me out of 'just dealing' with depression and gave me actual pleasure. What I'm saying is - Don't be afraid to be totally hedonistic and don't feel guilty about it. I mean, if you are at the point where death seems more appealing than life, who CARES if it looks or even is hedonistic.
OR, Are you saying that even without any external or internal restraints there is nothing you can think of that gives you pleasure?
You have implied that you value seeing the meaning in life. Personally, I have gotten more pleasure in the search for that meaning than anything else I've done (and I've done a lot). I think it is the most gratifying, joyous, thrilling, dangerous pursuit you could ever find. It requires neither good health, money, other people's help, approval or anything else in order to pursue it. You have everything you need.