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Help Me Approach My Bi BF

 
 
Reply Thu 24 Sep, 2015 12:25 pm
I am with a man who has a bisexual past. We live together and I didn't know about it until after we moved in. I found out through small hints. I accidentally found a sex video and from there I was on high alert! I started snooping which is so out of character for me but I didn't know how to handle this info or approach him! I ended up finding pics on his phone and questionable writings. I reached a point where is secrets were killing me and severely effecting our relationship so I brought it up (In the worst possible way!). I accused him of cheating on me and of course he denied it (i'm still not sure if that is the truth) and our relationship almost ended. I brought it up again, a completely separate time after finding more pics & videos on his phone, and he finally admitted to having a bisexual past but says he hasn't hooked up with a guy in years, which is a lie because the video was dated from a month before we started dating (7 months ago).

We spent a month apart because his job moved him to NY. He is back and we have had time to breathe and think and we have a fresh take on our relationship but I still don't feel settled about this and especially what I have seen and the lies. Every time we talk about it he is embarrassed and the convo is short and awkward. I love him and want to make this work but in order for that to happen I need clarity and closure and reassurance that he is not sleeping with other men. I have been doing lot's of research on bisexuality and being in a relationship with a bisexual person. He says he has no desire to hook up with a guy but does that desire ever just go away? I mean he watches gay porn...

How can I approach this situation in a healthy, honest, and open way?

HELP!!!
 
jespah
 
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Reply Thu 24 Sep, 2015 12:49 pm
@helpmehow,
Start by not snooping anymore.

This is a mess. You don't really trust him (hence the snooping). He isn't necessarily perfectly trustworthy or at least is diminishing your concerns (hence he claims it's been 'years' since a hookup with a guy yet the video is dated much more recently than that).

Plus you now have long distance going on - a killer for a lot of relationships, even more stable ones than yours seems to be.

So, what to do?

How about talking to an impartial professional, either together or separately? Get some tools for how to deal with this, and what to say, and where to go from here. Regardless of his interests in other people or other kinds of sexuality, the bottom line is that you need for him to be faithful (unless you want an open relationship, which I am taking that you don't, from your post) regardless of the wedding tackle being sported by the people in the porn videos he watches.
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momoends
 
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Reply Sat 26 Sep, 2015 10:13 pm
@helpmehow,
being bisexual doesn´t mean cheating at all, or needing sex with both gender at the same time. Many men watch porn while having a relationship and it´s considered a normal thing. i have watch heterosexual porn occasionally but never "missed" having sex with a man while being involved with a woman. I don´t miss anything related to men while being with a woman. You have to be sure whether he has slept with somebody else and be sure he shares your vision of your relationship. If you feel insecure about he feeling completely satisfied with you as his only sexual partner, ask him directly. And again Bisexual doesn´t mean promiscuous
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