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The Most Beautiful Snowflake- A short Poem

 
 
Reply Mon 6 Jan, 2003 08:54 pm
"The Most Beautiful Snowflake"
I stepped outside to watch the clouds glide.
Upon looking up I saw the most beautiful snowflake I had ever seen transcending me past the clouds making them now invisible in my mind.
It had the most beautiful rays of the sun gleaming from its side.
Though instictivly knowing that it would soon dissapear and end.
Did this stop me from reaching out to bring it inside?
No I would for it was my new temporary friend.
I watched it's flight, earthward bound just before the fall of night.
Even to this day from birth to plight.
I will never forget the most beautiful snowflake.
For in my heart still living on in or out of my head.


Dedicated to a very special friend, may you be the best mother you can offer to your'e daughter. And find the right man to be a great father. Very Happy
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Piffka
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2003 01:40 am
Mellow -- You've asked me to read your poem and give you my opinion. I've read it and I think that it has some good points and some places where you need to tighten it up. Are you sure you want to hear my criticisms? I am a tough critic and have been called a pedant by more than one person.

First, you have picked what I consider to be a good subject. Nature is always good and evanescent nature is particularly good because you can use it in symbolic ways to show the transcendence of all things. A snowflake is therefore excellent. However, a snowflake is also difficult because it is cute. And it is hard to describe because it is so small. You have to be very careful.

It is also important that while, on the one hand you describe it in a unique way, it also must resonate with your reader. In the second line you say that you see the snowflake transcend. Forgive me, but that doesn't make much sense to the reader, or at least to me. I'm ready there to hear that you've spotted the snowflake. I want to be there with you and watch the snowflake. I assume that it is coming down, floating, whatever... but transcend doesn't quite make sense, possibly because it is a transitive verb and probably because it originally meant to climb or climb over.

Transcend would be good to use somewhere in the poem, but not here to describe how it is falling. Transcend, if you looked it up, as I will suggest later, also is frequently used to describe God or gods. That could come in handy!

I would also refrain from saying the snowflake was "my friend" because writing a poem about a snowflake runs the risk of being cute and anthropomorphizing the flake isn't going to do you any good here.

There is also some logistical jumping around that you need to watch. If you block it out you:
Step Outside watching clouds
See Snowflake
Bring it Inside where it melts
But you also don't bring it in because it is your friend
Then you watch its flight, but now it's nearly dark.

I'd reconsider how you've set out the "dramatic action" because it needs to hang together just as a play does. That's what helps to bring the reader into the poem. Maybe you need to add a little more action, maybe you need to be sure that everything moves logical forward.

The ending lines are sort of gimme's too. Obviously as the poet, we understand that you haven't forgotten the object of the poem because you're writing about it. When something doesn't need to be said, it is best to leave it that way. Instead, tie the transcendence of the life of the snowflake into whatever makes the most sense to you... either God, or a memory and how it can "melt" or a person's life and how it can slip by and out of sight.

Sometimes it is best to start with your ending couplet and make it as perfect as possible. Tight, good words and the perfect rhythm. Don't worry about rhyme, but the words should make sense and be vivid. I would look up each word in a very good dictionary that describes the etymology. Make sure, for example that you aren't describing something falling by a word that means climbing. You see?

You have some good images here. I like the idea of the sun's rays gleaming from the snowflake -- but be truly outrageous and say that they are burning from within, not just reflection off the side.

You don't need to say that you instinctively know it will melt... we all do, so use that as an implied image.

Another good image you have is that it is earthward bound. You could tie that in with the symbolism of a snowflake and a lifetime, if you wanted.

OK. That is a small critique. Hope I haven't offended you. Writing poetry is a strange and difficult craft. There are some standard methods that make things easier, like blocking out the action, writing your ending couplet first so that you know right where you're headed, keeping your metaphors straight. The words you use are the very most important tools you have. Every one should be hand-picked to be perfect. Learn about each word, where it came from, if it was originally Anglo-Saxon or Old French. That information can help you in odd coincidental ways, in this poem or in a future one.

Good luck, MellowGemini and I hope I haven't offended you with my long and strong critique.
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MellowGemini
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2003 02:26 am
Thank you Piffka, and no your advice was right on. See the poem is very deep it has to do with my ex girlfriend from along time ago. something that I knew from the beginning wouldn't last. Though me her, and her family still remain very close. It is hard for me to write about her not because I can't let her go. But because of just the honor and respect I hold for her. Out of what I first observed about her potential. yr's before it emerged from her. I just wanted to put into metaphoric tongue as simple as possible allot of memories and simply the word PROUD!!!!

I wrote it so quick on impulse that it was hard to put it all together tight.
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Piffka
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2003 09:04 am
MG -- I see now how this poem works for you and for this special relationship. I forgot to mention one other thing which you might want to try to add to the poem. Snowflakes need cold to survive. You never mention anything about the cold... maybe you could use that as a metaphor for your love of this girl.

Good luck.
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bisonman80
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Dec, 2003 12:53 am
It's beutiful

Man... this is beutiful... i dont agree with the other guy, even though im sure he is very trained for this sort of thing. I love poetry, i believe that its best when its first written, or "born" as i like to put it. Keep writing... and you with naturally become better at it. I also have had a pretty similar experience with someone... and afterwards i wrote alot of poetry and wrote some music with my guitar. Any way of expressing yourself is positive in general, and it definitely helps in times when we need help, and believe me, we all do sometimes. Like I said before, keep writing... don't stop expressing yourself and your feelings. Share them with the world!
Very Happy
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