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Looking for grammar and structure correction on college transfer admissions essay

 
 
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 02:55 am
Hello reviewers,

I'd love some correction on on my GRAMMAR and SENTENCE STRUCTURE as I'm not the best writer in the world.
This is Transfer Personal Statement Essay.
I was former nursing student looking to transfer to study Healthcare Leadership to continue my education at University of Washington

I'm not quite sure if it is a good idea to write reason Why I have dropped out of previous institution, but I thought I need to address it as they will be dumbfounded to see my junior-status-nursing transcript.

Criticism, Compliment, and any Thoughts of Advice over my essay is also deeply appreciated.
Thanks for reading it and any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

Here is the prompt, right now my essay is 975 words.


Personal statement (750 - 1,000 words)

The personal statement should be a comprehensive essay outlining significant aspects of your academic and personal history, particularly those that provide context for your academic achievements and educational choices. Quality of writing and depth of content both contribute toward a meaningful and relevant personal statement.

You must address the following topics: (required)

Academic History: Tell us about your academic career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices. Describe any situations that may have had a significant positive or negative impact on your academic progress and or curricular choices. If you had a significant break in your education, or changed career paths, please explain.
Your Major and/or Career Goals: Tell us about your intended major and career aspirations. Describe your plans for preparing for your intended major. What led you to choose this major? If you are undecided, what type(s) of career(s) or major(s) are you most interested in exploring? How will UW Tacoma help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?
Cultural Understanding: Thoughtfully describe the ways in which culture has had an impact on your life and what you have learned about yourself and society as a result. How has your own cultural history enriched and/or challenged you? NOTE: Culture may be defined broadly.
Educational Challenges / Personal Hardships: Describe any personal or imposed challenges or hardships you have overcome in pursuing your education.

You may address the following topics if they apply to you: (optional)

Community, Military, or Volunteer Service: Describe your community, military, or volunteer service, including leadership, awards, or increased levels of responsibility.
Experiential Learning: Describe your involvement in research, artistic or athletic endeavors, and/or work (paid or volunteer), as they have contributed to your academic, career, or personal goals.[/]


Quote:
Much to my original dismay fourteen-years ago, my family and I left the Fatherland to immigrate to the U.S. when I was ten. To me, the motherland was place of restricted freedom where everybody was expected to follow set of arranged pathway for a success. I can recall planning out my childhood as me and my brother flew over the Pacific, and I informed my brother who was fourteen at the time that we could finally live in a house with green house. (We had frequently dreamed of playing soccer on a grassy field as the national team did on TV). We settled in Tacoma and I soon started to enroll in American schools. My parents were able to find stable jobs and we began to assume the ways of the American life as time passed by. Similar to the Berlin Wall, the wall of indoctrination built into me by the Party was eventually torn down by the freedom-loving American culture as well as its unbiased education system. My thoughts can now flow freely to new corners of perspective and understanding. Things are no longer black and white to me; I am able to think for myself. Through naturalization, my family and I obtained U.S. citizenships after five years of living in what I’ve considered my second home. However, I have not discarded my Korean citizenship status since I wanted to retain a sense of identity of where I have came from. As a dual-citizen of both Korea and America, I feel that it is my duty to help in fostering relations and friendship between two allied nations whose American’s soldiers have sacrificed themselves in a battle between the South and the North Korea to help build democracy in the south 65 years ago.

Upon completion of high school, I have proudly transitioned immediate into Seattle University. With memory of the customs ordeal still fresh in my mind, I chose to embark on a learning path that will ultimately expand and enhance my knowledge in nursing. At University, I took classes such as anatomy and physiology I, II, biology, series of psychology, series of philosophy and theology in order to fulfill the requirements for a nursing school. After being accepted into the nursing school, the studying did not become easier, in fact I was faced with the intellectual and mental challenges that came along with virtues that were embedded in profession of nursing. With more elegant mindset of dedication and efforts, I have managed to gradually control my studying habits which has helped me to push myself to the limit to approach my goal closer.

The crisis came when I became despair and dishearten from the rest of the world when my fiancé has left me. Over the past three years of my life in Seattle, my social life has been on the edge with no real friend that I can sit down and openly complain, talk, and share stories to. (Not to mention there were only 3 male students in the cohort out of 90). I’m no anti-social nor person who holds grudge against anything, in fact, I’m optimistic, bright and welcomes new intuitive ideas when talking with people. The problem was I simply couldn’t connect with the people that I was around, and gradually saw myself spending majority of time alone. By the time my fiancé has left, I did not have any supportive personnel to rely when I was struggling emotionally and mentally at a frustrating times while countlessly staying up all nights for school. Due to the circumstances, I was unable to give my hundred percent effort in school, and I have lost interest in things that I used to love to do such as being in an intramural sports teams at school. As a result, my grade had suffer, and I was living a life someone that I wasn’t myself. I had no choice but to take leave of absence from the school and it was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life.

Thankfully, as I slowly transitioned into the local community colleges, I was able to vacate myself from my previous state of mind and focus more on my education. Essentially, my previous advanced education had a tremendous positive impact on my education and who I’m now today. Being in a struggle at a moment in my life has allowed me to open up my eyes to see how everyday lives are precious moment to capture while giving thanks for everything I have. Over the period of time, I have become more matured and empowered person than who I was years ago through supportive family, friends and local church members around me. As I return to pursuit my educational goal at University of Washington, I fear nothing as I only have option to succeed

Although my career in medical field has provided me with a lot of valuable experience in hands on experience through direct patient care, I’m also aware that having a formal education in this field can undoubtedly propel me even closer toward my goals. For this very reason, I’m more than certain that the Bachelor of Art in healthcare leadership offered by the University of Washing, with its focus on individual, community and global healthcare issues will help me obtain the knowledge and develop the expertise necessary to become a future healthcare provider. Above all, I’m attracted to the UW’s diverse student population at campus and I strongly believe that my cultural difference can tremendously enrich other students and staff while improving myself and skills in its given environment. After I’ve earned my B.A., I plan to pursuit master of healthcare administration to expand my knowledge and to explicitly gain a better view of how healthcare system operates so that one day I can make difference in healthcare system in United States.
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jespah
 
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Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 06:48 am
@kimsoo522,
I can tell you in the first sentence that you'll need to rethink this.

Of course the admissions committee has intelligent people on it, but you're not doing yourself any favors by throwing out terms like dismay and vacate. I'm not saying to dumb it down but the verbiage just looks pretentious from here.

Also, lots of people have heartaches during their college years. I don't think the admissions committee wants to hear it. What good does it do to mention it? Unless you are trying to provide a reason for subpar grades (and even then, no, it's not likely to work as an excuse), leave it out of your essay. Yes, it's a personal hardship (and it did cause you to leave one school), but they're talking about stuff more like caring for a sick relative or your mother dying or you getting into a car accident and rehabbing your leg for six months. It's unfortunate your fiancé and you didn't work out, but don't put that information into this essay. I would just write that you were depressed and had no personal support system.

Let's look at the requirements.

Academic history - how did you do in nursing school? Did you like any of your classes? Were any of them impossible? Did any of them give you the heads up that this wasn't what you wanted to do with the rest of your life? Explore those sorts of things in the essay.

Career goals - what do you think you'll do with your education? Sometimes the answer is just, you'll go onto more education.

Cultural understanding - your life changed radically when your family left Korea. Talk about that. But ditch terms like motherland and fatherland (a term that to a lot of people evokes Nazi Germany).

Challenges and personal hardships - consider how you aren't a native English speaker. The culture is extremely different from the country you were born in. You can weave these two elements together.

Fortunately, the essay requirements are pretty clear. We so often get these essay requests and they are incredibly vague. This essay request is giving you the structure on a silver platter. Follow it.
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