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Mon 7 Jun, 2004 11:37 am
Master of Ceremonies: Let's welcome Harper to our Comedy Club stage tonight, let's give it up for the lovely and talented Harper!
Harper:
Thank you!
You think you got problems, you have not got problems, girlfriends... I just got back from my gender therapist Dr. Emily Strangelove, Ph.D LCSW, LMFT I have been diagnosed with GD, gender dysphoriaalso known as GID Gender Identity Disorder... but oh how lucky I would be if my gender issues were my only problem! Not only am I a woman trapped in a man's body but I am trapped and drowning in a bowl of alphabet soup as well. First off, you already know I have GD and GID , I am TG, transgendered, TS, transsexual, I started out as merely a CD, cross dresser just don't ever accuse me of being a DQ, Drag Queen that I am not!
I also have problems getting people to respect my PGE, preferred gender expression, which is of course, female, I don't like to single out any one group but I don't know what it is about young female Haitian cashiers at Publix, but they occasionally call me sir. Moi? Sir? Can you imagine that?
So what lies ahead in this incredible journey towrds womanhood? HRT, hormone replacement therapy, FFS facial feminization surgery, ...as if my face is not already feminine enough... maybe BAS Breast Augmentation Surgery the the big one GRS (gender re-assignmemt surgery)also called SRS (Sexual Re-assignment Surgery)
OUCCHHHHHH!!!!
Now contrary to popular opinion, they don't take your c*ck and whack it off...um, whack it off, that's a poor choice of words...believe me, it has already been whacked off enough, thank you...no, what they do is split it down the middle and turn it into a p*ssy! Just what I always wanted! A Banana split p*ssy! Up until now I have only had them with whipped cream! Hey ye but if you do that remember to use plastic sheets, it can get messy.
Oops I almost forgot! I will need electrolysis, there are no initials for that except I call it EPEE, extremely painful and expensive electrolysis! Dr. Emily says she thinks I am also OCD and I have ADD, (obsessive-compulsive and attention deficit disorder, which is rather a blessing because every time I started compulsively obsessing on something, suddenly the ADD kicks in and I forget what I am obsessing about!
I also suffer from MS, no not the sclerosis type, no I am not one of Jerry's little girls, oh wait no
that's Muscular something or other, no my MS is morning sickness...morning sickness
but Thank God at least I know I am not pregnant... even though it's been ages since my last period! Now...I am guessing that the half gallon of white wine I consume every night to ease the pain has something to do with the MS so now it looks like I got AA in my future.
I don't know though... I still long for those simple days when I thought I was just an ordinary SWM (Straight White Male)...Oh you don't buy that, well it's true! Yeah, as a man, I was straight, this sounds strange to a lot of people but I am still only attracted to women, so after my SRS I will become a POLTS, a Post Op Lesbian TransSexual!
AND you think YOU got problems, you have not got problems...I am married too... to a DC, a Devout Catholic, actually a DCAC, a Devout Colombian American Catholic, she thinks I am PBTD, oh haven't heard that one, right? Possessed by the Devil...So every night she grabs her little bottle of holy water and tries to perform her own exorcism:
The Power of Christ compels you!
The Power of Christ compels you!
Of course, she does it en español
El Poder del Cristo te ordena!
El poder del Padre te ordena!
El poder del Espiritu Santa te ordena!
Oh it burns!!!!! (doing Regan reacting to the Holy Water!)
Your mother sews socks that smell!
Can you help an old altah boy faddah? I'm catlik!
Anyway, I know things are bad, they are worse than bad, they are crazy, it's like everything has gone crazy, so I don't even go out anymore and suddenly the world I live in gets smaller and all I ask is please just leave me alone with my heels, and my eyelashes, and my hose, my bustier and my wigs and my bustier and my cover girl and I won't say anything, just leave me alone, well I just can't leave myself alone, I think first I've got to get mad, I have got to yell:
I am mad as hell and I am not going to take this man thing anymore!
So, I am going to get up right now. I am going to go to the window and open it and stick my head out and yell and keep yelling:
I am mad as hell and I am not going to take this man thing anymore!
I am mad as hell and I am not going to take this man thing anymore!
Ok I feel better now!
Now getting back to my transition...one of my biggest fears is that during this transition I will develop EOA, early onset alzheimer's, Can you imagine? When I get up in the morning I won't remember whether to put on my bra and panties or my Tshirt and Boxer shorts!
OK I can see my time is almost up, I want to thank you for coming out to the _____, I just love playing here, of course, on the other hand, I don't got no place else to go, I don't got no place else to go, I don't got no place else to go-o! Thank you.
I can see why that other forum banned you.
Umm, I don't mean to be harsh, but I couldn't find the humor in it. Perhaps it's not funny to me because you have to say the routine in a certain way...
Either way, keep trying. You'll get a real kicker some day!
Comedy doesn't seem to be your thing.
I did try to laugh, but couldn't.
What about a sketch based on a very feminine POTS who insists she likes women, so she isn't gay (male), God forbid, but is developing this strange taste for men, but no, she ain't gay (God forbid)?
Craven,,,i totally agree.
Hello guys,
I posted this more to tell about me than to get confirmation that's it's funny. It is not funny at face value, it is the way I act it out that makes it funny and I already know it is funny because I have tried parts of it out.
Huh? Who says we didn't notice the Exorcist references? Mayhap we simply didn't comment on it.
fbaezer wrote:I did try to laugh, but couldn't.
What about a sketch based on a very feminine POTS who insists she likes women, so she isn't gay (male), God forbid, but is developing this strange taste for men, but no, she ain't gay (God forbid)?
Actually, in real life, that very often happens. I don't know where to go with that though. But I might be able to work it in. Are there any other stand up comedy routines posted here?
I liked the bit about OCD & ADD
~~
I've always wanted to ask someone in your situation-
why do you want the surgery? Why is having female genitalia so important? The surgery sounds really painful and risky (not to mention expensive).
By the way, if your avatar is really you (and perhaps I'm being naive in thinking it might be), you don't need any facial surgery.
And about electrolysis - is laser hair removal not effective enough?
Comedy has always been one of my first loves. I would be interested to see how you progress over this next year or so.
Quote:Anyway, I will be performing this to a mixed crowd Saturday night (straights and gay woman mostly) I will let you know how it turns out.
Harper, hello. I think I would laugh at this with the right delivery, and that it is potentially hilarious with the right crowd.
Have a blast on Saturday night...let us know how it goes.
Perhaps the routine is better if you have some knowledge of this, or something. I think that you have potential, though; but, it might be hard to base your comedy on something very taboo.
Is your wife going to leave you, after this ;(?
Didn't mean to come-off as thin skinned but I already know this bit is hilarious especially when delivered to the right audience. I am going to do it at Luna Star Cafe, North Miami, Saturday Night, then I will perform it at my theatre workshop after which I will try it out at the Improv at Kendall.
BTW a good part of this was "ripped off" from Paddy Chayefsky. Some famous writer once said "Good poets borrow, great ones steal."
I was watching some comedian last night, I didn't find her particularly funny but I wasn't in the right frame of mind though. The audience was roaring however, I noticed that if you wrote down her bit and read it,it wouldn't be funny at all. Her delivery and mannerisms were great.
bromeliad wrote:I liked the bit about OCD & ADD
~~
I've always wanted to ask someone in your situation-
why do you want the surgery? Why is having female genitalia so important? The surgery sounds really painful and risky (not to mention expensive).
By the way, if your avatar is really you (and perhaps I'm being naive in thinking it might be), you don't need any facial surgery.
And about electrolysis - is laser hair removal not effective enough?
Maybe I should start a new thread about TG/TS, a transsexual is someone who feels he or she was born in the wrong body. For many, they go through years of denial until they just can't stand living in the wrong gender anymore. The SRS is the last step for me but perhaps the least important. More important is living in the right gender which I am doing nearly full time now. One of these days I will write about what it is like for a former man to enter the secret world of females. It is a whole new world you guys don't have a clue about.
Laser works only on dark hairs, there is still controversy over whether or not it is permanent. Remember, this is a comedy bit based on truth but not literal truth.
dròm_et_rêve wrote:Perhaps the routine is better if you have some knowledge of this, or something. I think that you have potential, though; but, it might be hard to base your comedy on something very taboo.
Is your wife going to leave you, after this ;(?
The subject matter is not as taboo or as unfamiliar as you might think, at least not in the cosmopolitan area I live in. If I were ever able to go mainstream with this, the uniqueness of the topic could be one of its strengths.
Sadly, my wife are divorcing. In many cases, couples work through this but the majority split up.
Just on the page, I found it a bit funny, but in a sad sort of way. However, that may be it's underlying strength. I can't really pass judgement without seeing it done live.
As a simple piece of writing relating to your life however, I found it a very interesting read.
cavfancier wrote:Just on the page, I found it a bit funny, but in a sad sort of way. However, that may be it's underlying strength. I can't really pass judgement without seeing it done live.
Nice feedback. Of course, comedy is based on tragedy!
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