Wed 15 Oct, 2014 07:34 am
Me and my girlfriend broke up around 3 months ago. It was quite a nasty breakup with lots of arguing, maybe due to the fact we have a 2 year old kid. For the first month there was minimal contact, only for meeting my kid. In this time she slept with someone which is ok as we weren't together, but it still hurts. But the last two months have seen me sort of move back in with her and my kid and things have never been so good. We all seem happier, especially our kid and have been getting on so well. We have both been avoiding the question of "are we back together or what?".
The breakup was her decision, although I was unhappy for a long time too. I'm just not sure if I should pack up and leave, move on with my life without her, or if I should stay and work things out. If I do the latter then surely this issue will come up again and I don't want to go through what I have again. However, she was the love of my life and I love my kid and have always wanted to be a proper family.
It's a decision I think I need to make before I ask her what's going on, because then I put the decision in her hands which is not what I want. Any advice on this???
You are "sort of" moved back in, right?
And you two didn't talk about this BEFORE you brought your stuff in?
That's not a good sign that you and she don't have these kinds of talks.
You say you don't want her to make the decision (if you two are back together) That says a lot about how you feel about her. It also says something about her - why would she let a guy "sort of move in" with her and her child" if it didn't mean something? She didn't talk to you about this and what it meant?
I would normally tell you to move out, get your own apartment and grow up - but since there is a child involved, you need to have a real talk with her and let her express how she feels. And how all this confusion affects your child!!
How about some couples counseling?
Why does asking put you at a disadvantage?
"Sally (or whatever her name is), what are we calling this?"
That's it. No fuss, no muss.
PS You can be a 'proper family' even if you don't all live under the same roof.
You make some good points. Well, when I moved out initially I just stayed with friends. Left all my stuff for her and the kid then I got my own place. But when it came to moving my stuff it never happened, there is only one of everything so we just both lived here and went with it. Now two months have passed we need to decide what's happening.
We did have these kinds of talks, and decided we would have some time apart and see what happens. But now we are in this situation I think we both put them off as we fear we won't like what the answer is. I guess we just need to talk about it then and get our feelings out...
I don't really think the counselling is an option for us though
The only disadvantage is that Sally chose to breakup in the first place, so I was thinking it would only be right that I decided what's best for me now we are in this situation. But yeah I think we just need to talk about it and see what we both want.
And I see your point about the proper family but it's tough only seeing your daughter at weekends, when you are used to seeing her every day!
You can make any decision you want to in advance, but the conversation needs to happen. You won't lose ground if you're the one who speaks up first.
And, I might add, if it's such a house of cards that speaking up will make it tumble down, you might want to rethink this whole relationship thing.
Well now I'm thinking the main reason I don't want to bring the conversation up is cos I want to be with her and don't want her response to be "it's time we really break up". It's a little confusing because we are living like a couple and have been for 2 months, just not put a label on it
It can't really be the house of cards I first thought it was
This entire relationship IS a house of cards if you can't even talk about the future.
BTW - no matter what happens between you adults, you can see your child as often as you want. It would be in the visitation agreement - that you would make sure you got.
We have spoke about things and the future a lot, it's just since we have been seeing each other again we have put this much needed talk aside. We are both really happy and think neither of us want to spoil it.
I have a mon to fri job so that means I would be a weekend daddy, I just mean I'll miss puting her to bed every night and seeing her every morning (on weekdays I mean)
Could you start with something comparatively simple, like telling your girlfriend that you are happy being with her and with your daughter.
Nothing more complicated than that.
When you broke up, were there specific problems that have been addressed since then?
Thanks for your help! I will try that and see where it takes us.
Yes there were many problems, on both our parts. We stopped showing each other affection, we're basically bored in our relationship and never really done anything together anymore. There was no sex for months and we just drifted apart.
Since we started seeing each other after a month apart, all of this changed and it's like when we first met all of those years ago...
Try to keep up with the changes you've both made (or at least your side of it
It's difficult to keep the couple part of a relationship fresh when there is a child.