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Fri 21 Mar, 2014 03:18 am
Dear Friends,
This is my motivation letter required to enter for a master program in e-Governance Technologies and Services , tips and corrections.
I am writing this motivation letter as part of my application to the e-Governance Technologies and Services master's program, Tallinn University of Technology, scheduled to start in September 2014. In which I am very interested. I believe this degree from your esteemed institution which is one of the most reputed technical universities would help me deepen my knowledge and help me achieve my career goals.
I graduated in 2009 with a Bachelor's Computer Science from Al Azhar University - Gaza. During my undergraduate years I acquired a comprehensive knowledge in mathematics and computer science .Having graduated, I developed a solid foundation in the principles of web development and programming.
Since then, I have worked in several fields including websites and applications development, maintenance of computer, maintenance networks and administrative assistant.
Through my work as a Web developer in ministry of social affairs in my country I understood the importance of e-governance infrastructure in all government ministries. During the works we have had many technical problems and code as the problems of multiple databases in applications of the Ministry of Social Affairs and multiple programming languages which program through which these applications, which affect negatively the objectives set by the Ministry, such as integrity, transparency, faster processing, data integrity, maintaining the strict confidentiality of the data. It deals with issues of high sensitivity in society.
With all the above, I hope to be given the opportunity to achieve my goals and became an influential person in the development of e-government in my country after the end of my studies in the program. I hoped to become the services provided by the e-government for the Palestinian people routine as a citizens of Estonia, e-services have become routine: e-taxes, e-healthcare, e-police, e-schools.
Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.
Yours faithfully,
@khaledmohmed,
It's not a bad essay. You do seem to be randomly capitalizing (or not - are you posting from a phone? That sometimes causes that). E. g. when mentioning the Ministry of Social Affairs, you should be capitalizing that phrase, just like I have.
You also need to hit a carriage return between paragraphs. That makes for clearer reading.
In the first paragraph, In which I am very interested. <-- this isn't really a sentence. It's more of a clause that should be attached to the prior sentence. In fact, I'd change your first paragraph to something reading more like this -
Quote:I am writing this motivation letter as part of my application to the e-Governance Technologies and Services master's program. I am very interested in this program at the Tallinn University of Technology, scheduled to start in September 2014. I believe this degree from your esteemed technical university would help me to deepen my knowledge and achieve my career goals.
See the difference? The sentences flow a bit better, but the same information is gotten across. Plus it reads a little less "me, me, I". I realize that this is first-person but too many mentionings of "I" or "me" are discouraged. I'd see about being able to grammatically correctly cutting a few more of them. You still need to emphasize your previous work experience and education, but you should be able to do that without constantly leaning on first-person pronouns all the time.
Hope this helps, and best of luck to you on getting in!
@khaledmohmed,
for starters, this is a sentence fragment. "In which I am very interested." The intent of the letter by its very nature is due to the fact you are very interested. If you eliminate it, the letter would be improved. Furthermore some of what you have written is too wordy and repetitious.
As an example, you wrote, "I believe this degree from your esteemed institution which is one of the most reputed technical universities would help me deepen my knowledge and help me achieve my career goals". See if you can reduce this to something more simple. A suggestion: eliminate the phrase 'your esteemed institution as you already call it "the most reputed technical universities".
Keep it simple and more direct. Speak of highlights of what work-world and academic accomplishment as well as social accomplishments (professional or otherwise) that could highlight your 'cut-above' the average qualities as well as being a contributor to the community. Of course, try to eliminate the over-use of the personal pronoun "I". You could site, if applicable, an understanding of how this master's programs will help you learn how to help a corporate employer with budgetary revenue savings. Being a practical business awareness of bottom-line issues shows you Are in the real world, too.
I'll let others comment further. Trust me- they'll be along shortly. Good luck.
@jespah,
Thank you very much jespah
I try to write the second draft and post it here
***(I post from laptop- not phone)***
@Ragman,
Thank you very much for your feedback
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