Should I be with my husband for life with depression or go to my boyfreind?

Forums: Decisions, Relationships, Marriage, Depression, Cheating
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I was born and brought up in a very orthodox, well respected middle class family in a village in AP. I fell in love with my classmate when I was doing my MBBS. But I was afraid of my parents. I kept on telling my parents that I will get married only after I get into post graduation. I have this unreasonable fear of whom I am dependent on since my childhood. I was afraid of my parents before marriage and now I am afraid of my husband. I thought I can tell my parents when I am settled and not dependent on them. But, they want me to get married anyway and found a guy who is 100 times richer than us an forced to get married. I told them that I will not be happy if I get married and I cried for a month and did not talk to them. But they forced me and got me married. I thought of leaving home but I thought about my parents respect in the society. I prayed to god that at least the guy should be sadist so that I can leave him.

It's been 2 years now. We don't have any children now. My boyfriend and me got into postgraduation within a year after my marriage. We were responsible from the beginning and studied hard to make our love success. But, I am married now. My husband is very nice guy. The only thing is he is very short tempered and very career oriented. He never spends more than 5 to minutes a day with me. Because of my unreasonable fear as I told you before, I am afraid of him. But, I am pretty sure he loves me such. But, I never love him. All I have towards him is pity. I am nice to him because it is sin to make him unhappy for my mistakes. There wasn't even a single day that I didn't think of my boyfriend. I have been crying all these 2 years when there is no one around me. I still want to leave my husband and go. But, again I think of my parent's respect and if my husband can find another girl or not if I leave him. I told my mom that I am not happy even after 2 years. My mom is now crying that "I don't know you love him, I know that only he loves you, you told us a lot not to get you married, but we didn't listen, all this happened because of me." and she is crying a lot and saying because it happened we can't do anything now.

What should I do now? I really want to get separated, but my parents lose respect in the society if I get separated when my husband is a nice guy. Please advice what should I do.

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@samhitha08,

Quote:

What should I do now? I really want to get separated, but my parents lose respect in the society if I get separated when my husband is a nice guy. Please advice what should I do.

Both myself and most of the people on this website is not of your culture so all own opinions is color by that fact.

From a Western cultural viewpoint the answer seem clear on it face and that is your lifetime welfare and any future children welfare out weight any shame your parents will endure if you divorce your husband. With special note that they knew up front how you felt about this marriage and yet force you to married anyway.

You might wish to post on websites that contain more of those raised in your culture to get other viewpoints.

Good luck to all of you.

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@samhitha08,

Make neither choice! You should live alone 'cause you can't commit to either and shouldn't choose. You should learn to accept and deal with being independent. Your culture is drastically different than ours here in the west, but independence from oppression and being controlled is still highly valued. free yourself from this yoke and take back your life. It will eventually stele down and your spirit will be far happier in the long run.

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Quote:

Samitha said: But, they want me to get married anyway and found a guy who is 100 times richer than us an forced to get married. I told them that I will not be happy if I get married. But they forced me and got me married.

They had no right to force you.
Marriages are only proper if the two people WANT to marry each other.
You didn't want to marry him, so therefore it's not a proper marriage and isn't worth a dime!
Get MAD at your parents, it's THEIR fault you're unhappy, so if you want to walk out and go to your boyfriend you have every right.. Smile

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@samhitha08,

Completely ignore Romeo. His only connection to other countries is thru Film and old television programs.

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@samhitha08,

Leave, immediately, pack one suitcase and go, that will be one suitcase more than many immigrants brought to the U.S. with them.

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@samhitha08,

You were brought up orthodox, but you are not orthodox in your mind.
You admit your fears are unreasonable; you fear your parents, who only wants the (albeit old-fashioned) best for you; and you fear your husband whom you say is a nice guy.
You weren't forced into marriage; you made the decision to sacrifice love for the sake of your family's social position.
You say your husband loves you, yet you cry because of your self-pity.
Your mother understands now, and shares your anguish, but you are committed and can not do anything about it. Doing anything unorthodox now will bring your family more shame than if you just said "no" to the marriage.

You ask for advice? Well, here it is - and you are not going to like it one bit.
Make the best of a bad situation, and dump the boyfriend. He is the center of your unhappiness, and you are incapable of making a rational decision at this time. Your boyfriend nurtured an illicit romance with you, knowing you cannot leave your husband, who loves you. Will your boyfriend marry a two-timing divorcée? Has he no social consciousness? In this country, the stereotype is the husband that's two-timing his wife whom he'll never leave and promises his mistress undying love. Rolling Eyes

Get religion lady and be respectful to your family, if not yourself. Throw off the shackles of childhood fears, for you are educated and can fend for yourself. Stop pitying your husband and learn to respect him - you both have weaknesses that can be overcome with each others help - work it.

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@samhitha08,

Quote:

Should I be with my husband for life with depression or go to my boyfreind?

You don't have a boyfriend until you're divorced. Everyone suffers depression throughout their life no matter what. So go ahead divorce your husband. You'll still suffer depression when you get a boyfriend whether you like it or not. Differnce is, the severity of the depression you encounter. May be worse. Could very well be less. Go for it as in divorce then obtain a boyfriend.

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@Jack of Hearts,

Quote:

You ask for advice? Well, here it is - and you are not going to like it one bit.
Make the best of a bad situation, and dump the boyfriend.

Of course she can leave her husband and given that her husband himself deserve a woman that happen to love him she would be doing him a favor.

A force marriage as someone had already stated is not a valid marriage from the start.

As far as her giving in to her parents neither of us was raised in a culture where parents have such power so it kind of hard to claimed that it is her fault in not growing a backbone sooner.

Once more she should take note that both of us are not from her culture an our opinions are western opinions.

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@anonymously99,

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You don't have a boyfriend until you're divorced

She surely does have a boyfriend what she does not have is a valid marriage and therefore a valid husband as she did not give her vows of her own free will.

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Does anyone know what AP stands for?

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@chai2,

I'm guessing Annapurna
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annapurna
or Andhra Pradesh.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andhra_Pradesh

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Hello everyone,
Thank you all for your replies.
AP stands for Andhra Pradesh, a state in southern part of India.

@Jack of Hearts
I am not in contact with my boyfriend now. He told me when I my wedding was fixed that he is not going to disturb me and he will not contact me anymore. He stood on his words. He also told me that he is not going to marry anyone and if ever I go back to him he will marry me. My close friend from medical school is also a close friend to him and I came to know from her that he is doing residency in US.

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Thankyou BillRM for understanding the situation verywell.

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@chai2,

AP = AsParagus

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Quote:

"AP stands for Andhra Pradesh, a state in southern part of India"

Well that explains it, nonchristian countries have primitive oldfashioned ideas and customs. I mean, your parents forcing you to marry somebody because he's rich is not a good thing.
"Jesus saved you from the empty way of life handed you by your forefathers" (1 Pet 1:18 )
As four great prophets once said- "Money can't buy me love"

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@Romeo Fabulini,

Quote:

"Money can't buy me love"

Money is what was required for this phone of which allows me to access the internet. The internet I've grown to love.

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Please ignore Romeo. He's almost a cult member whose only skill is posting meaningless bible verses.

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Quote:

Wilso said: Please ignore Romeo. He's almost a cult member whose only skill is posting meaningless bible verses.

Jesus said:- "In my fathers house are many mansions, I'm going on ahead to get them ready for you, then come back to take you there with me" (John 14:2-6)
"I will not drink wine from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father's kingdom." (Matt 26:29)

But if you don't want to come to the party you don't have to.. Smile

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Listen you **********. Posting your meaningless **** on other threads maybe annoying for everyone who has to deal with you, but when you start giving relationship advice to someone from a culture you've got no knowledge of, you present a danger of doing real damage. So **** OFF to where you can't do any damage.

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Should I be with my husband for life with depression or go to my boyfreind?

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